“Strong”, but not feeling it.

[Justme729]

I fight every single day of my existence to overcome the crappy things from my family of origin. Every single day.  My third child triggered an actual anxiety disorder and true panic attacks. I was in a good place.   She is still a hard kid as a preschooler.   If that was my only "trigger" If you will, I could cope with life.   However, we have a ton going on personally (short living situation while in between homes).  New job.   New schools.  New state. Everything is new.  I am terribly  triggered at work.  I am constantly in flight or fight.  My existence isn't welcomed by my team.  My husband doesn't get it.   He just sees our house we are building.  I can't function- the kind of tired that can't be cured by more sleep. I am having constant panic/anxiety attacks.  I can't sleep without the dreams.  My husband just sent me into a panic attack by being short with our children, giving into tantrums, and a snarky comment about buying stuff on Amazon.   He is stressed too.   He fuels off me.  When I'm good, so is he.  I'm the rock essentially.  And I'm chaos right now.   Money is his only trigger due to his own childhood trauma.   With my job situation and the house I am triggering his trauma.  We  usually have very open communication- but I did a bunch of emotional (yet necessary) shopping yesterday and didn't give him a heads up.  Just packages showing up on the door step.   He's fine- now.   But I'm still unable to get myself together.  I feel like I'm just in a constant state of panic/anxiety/watching my back.   I feel like I am that little girl who had no control and no say all over again.  I need a break, but I can't leave my job without really triggering my husband.   I want our stability back.  It feels like a catch 22. 

ETA-  my therapist keeps saying how strong I am and how much I've grown to be able to stand up for myself and assert myself professionally.   While I agree with her, it's a daily - multiple time per day issue.   My strength is wearing down and the issues are impacting others.   (My other colleagues are being punished by PD team member for associating with me & im not ok with it)

[bloomie]

Hi there Justme729 - I'm sorry this has sat for a bit without a response. I am wondering if it would be a better fit for the Working on Us Board and would get more input there? Let me know and I can move it for you.

In the meantime... It sounds like an awful lot of pressure on every side. That exhausted feeling that sleep won't relieve is one I know well and usually tells me I am holding unreasonable levels of expectations of myself.

Adjusting to new everything is HARD! That alone, and supporting your family through that, is enough. Sometimes just finding a small window of time alone to really look at what I actually have control over and what I can reasonable tackle and do helps me refocus and settle.

Are you able to get in some outdoor time with simple walks or bike rides, stretching, playing on the floor with your kids? Are you nourishing yourself and hydrating? Avoiding too much outside stimulus like SM or screens? Sounds simple, and I know it really isn't, but it never hurts to think through practical things that can quiet down the atmosphere around you.

Your work team members are adults I am assuming. If they are on the receiving end of mistreatment they would need to address that. Understandable you are not okay with it, but it is not yours to make better or right.

The feedback from your T sounds encouraging and empowering and yet even the strongest of us needs respite, calm, peace, and to be supported and understood and in need of help sometimes. It's hard to ask for what we want and make our needs known when we are the 'rock' of the family, but so important to communicate honestly with our DH's when the load gets too heavy.

I hope you are feeling better today and things are starting to shift into a better place with all of the challenges you are facing! 🤗

[Justme729]

Thank you, I didn't realize there was a working on me.   That definitely sounds like a great forum to check out. 

We went by the new house and realized I've been disconnected from the process.   I saw on our deck.   Took in the views of the pond and the trees. I watched my kids play.   I saw in my spa shower.   We aren't to dry wall yet, but my bench is there.   I just sat there imagining the the completed shower.   The water washing over me, being able to shave my legs, that I could wash my hair without being careful of hitting my elbows.  We stood on the front porch and watched the kid's ride bikes in the cul de sac.   Their happiness, it made everything feel less intense.   

I talked to my therapist and something I realized is they took me off my medicine that helped me to sleep.  I started it during the pandemic when I had break through anxiety.   Same symptoms as now.  I got better as things stabilized in the mist of the pandemic.  But now I'm just struggling.  She said this is probably contributing to the intensity I feel- not being able to sleep well.  There is no escape.  So I reached out to my doctor for a new script. Fingers crossed. 

[bloomie]

Justme729 - you describe the scene of you all at your new home site with the bones of it coming together I feel as if I can see it. Such a beautiful image of you soaking it all in and being refreshed!

And such important realizations that your chemistry may be a bit off and contributing to these moments of break through anxiety.

So happy to see this update!