Writing down conversations helped me identify manipulation, lies, blame-shifting

takeadeepbreath · September 26, 2021, 10:15:59 AM

My wife (undiagnosed NPD, ASPD, PPD) accused me of something so heinous and criminal 10 months ago, that I had no choice but to finally try to get to the bottom of what the HELL was going on.
For years, when trying to describe my dysfunctional home life, I would half jokingly tell people I needed a psychologist or social worker to come 'live at my house for a while'. I knew there was something off, wrong. . .that I couldn't quite pinpoint. It seemed like it was something beyond 'me and my W argue too much'. I could see, we practically never could come together to work as a team to work on issues or problems. Ultimately, I would put the blame on myself. . .'I guess it's just me' or 'maybe I'm just not relationship worthy'. So as I continued to give up friendships, jobs, career choices and catered to most of her requests and demands, (and it still didn't seem to help and gain her trust) it just seemed like I was waiting for some kind of breakthrough to happen - when I would finally 'figure out' what was going on.
And then there it is, finally . . . there written down in front of me. What spoken conversations with her could never get to the bottom of . . . blame-shifting, devaluation, mind games . . . (all attempts to maintain control?)
What finally got me closer to understanding the truth was documenting and writing word-for-word (most often through text messages with her) full out 'conversations' that took place between us. Formally, text messages between us were used strictly for care coordination and relaying basic facts (JM has the dentist tomorrow at 10 am . . .) Now I was writing down conversations, which would start off verbal (of course they would go nowhere if I let them continue ), and I would continue the conversation through texting, or email. Those years of attempting to reach common ground and talk through issues and problems had almost always left me bewildered, confused, broken down - my talking points somehow always completely dismissed, and feeling devalued and defeated. What eventually unfolded in written documentation was her consistent attempts to maintain 'alternate truths' (is what I first used to call them. . . later realizing I could simply call them lies) - which included 1. changing the subject of a conversation whenever she felt like, 2. blaming anything, everything, and everyone but herself for any issue, 3. gaslighting (I can't believe there is a name for this, one of her manipulation techniques) and 4. blatant psychological abuse, including name-calling, and 5. Other techniques, such as pretending not to be able to understand what I was saying, giving silent treatment, or basically doing whatever the heck she wants and not involving me or allowing my input on major decisions. On written display, was a complete lack of any ownership - absolutely no shared responsibility on her part for any issue or problem. And also a privilege belief system, which allowed her to do whatever she wanted, at any time.
Slowed down, and written down - I finally saw what was going on. It was now obvious when she tried to change the subject of a conversation during text messaging (although she still tries her best, and still never admits to anything. . .). She had gotten away with years and years of changing the attention/subject of a conversation when she didn't like the way it was going. . .I was unable to see what was happening right in front of me. . . . she was always finding a way to bring up something unrelated (she would usually change it to something I did . . ."what about when you. . . ") in order to not have to take responsibility for ANYTHING.
Soon it also became clear - her lack of ability to truly care for me. At least I have reached a new level of being able to stand up for myself and gaining some self-respect.
Anyway, I'm still going through this, we still live together . . I called a divorce lawyer recently. . . I made a counseling appointment.
I have kids, I think I need a lot of help to navigate me and my kids through this. I think validation from other people who have been through anything like this, who might understand a bit, will help. It has helped already, reading some posts.
I've never been one to ask for help. My family, growing up, had not been the best at talking things out (or validating my feelings). . ."ultimately, I don't need anyone", eventually became a basic coping value for me. Now, and reading these posts - I realize this is hard, this is hard for everyone, interaction with/exposure to PD. And I need help, ideas for what works and doesn't work, and validation. A common theme I see - people needing to reread their own writings or text messages/emails with PD to validate the truth, (I have to make sure I am not overreacting, not crazy). I can't believe this Mindf**k, years of being subjected to this TORTURE. I can't believe I'm still going through this. . .I guess ultimately, this will make me a stronger person, able to always make and stick with clear boundaries of respect, able to identify mind games more easily, and able to help other people.

11JB68 · September 26, 2021, 12:56:46 PM

Welcome. Seems you are in the right place. Check out the tool box.
I was in a similar situation, kept feeling like I wish there was a fly on the wall/tape recorder, as after our arguments (circular) I would be exhausted and had trouble remembering who started what etc, felt like no one outside would understand if I tried to explain.
Started writing in a journal whenever something happened. Finally confided in a friend, who actually understood!

SonofThunder · September 27, 2021, 06:37:38 AM

Welcome takeadeepbreath,

I second 11JB68's suggestion of a focus on the toolbox. I also want to point out my opinion that statistically on this forum, there may be more females dealing with PD men than the reverse. Therefore, finding other men here, who are dealing with PD women/wives may be vey helpful in your reading and conversation here at Out of the FOG.

For example, looking back at my past posts, you will find some other men, with whom i am in conversation, regarding experiences with our uPD wives. Instead of us having repeat conversations, you may be able to read the past and current conversations and glean from them or jump right in since they may be similar to your own experiences.

I agree with you, that journaling, has been very advantageous for me as well.

Welcome to Out of the FOG and I look forward to reading your input into discussions here in the forum.

SoT

takeadeepbreath · September 27, 2021, 04:35:23 PM

Thank you for the welcome reply and validation 11JB68 and SoT . After the documented conversations and uncovering what was going on ( manipulation, all that other %^*^#$* . . . I don't even know what to call it or truly how to talk about everything yet), I confided in a family member (who is involved with an XuNPDh) about it - which led me to look into PDs, which led to the more complete lightbulb moment.
I see I have so much to learn, thank you for suggesting the toolbox. Kind of overwhelming / a hard pill to swallow - seeing how new I am at this. I think I was looking for that article titled "Your step-by-step guide, exactly what to do after you've had the lightbulb moment".

Very glad and thankful for this forum. 11JB68 thanks again. SoT thanks for the invitation and suggestion - I will look at yours and others older posts, makes sense.

Takeadeepbreath

SonofThunder · September 28, 2021, 06:05:33 AM

Quote from: takeadeepbreath on September 27, 2021, 04:35:23 PM
Thank you for the welcome reply and validation 11JB68 and SoT . After the documented conversations and uncovering what was going on ( manipulation, all that other %^*^#$* . . . I don't even know what to call it or truly how to talk about everything yet), I confided in a family member (who is involved with an XuNPDh) about it - which led me to look into PDs, which led to the more complete lightbulb moment.
I see I have so much to learn, thank you for suggesting the toolbox. Kind of overwhelming / a hard pill to swallow - seeing how new I am at this. I think I was looking for that article titled "Your step-by-step guide, exactly what to do after you've had the lightbulb moment".

Very glad and thankful for this forum. 11JB68 thanks again. SoT thanks for the invitation and suggestion - I will look at yours and others older posts, makes sense.

Takeadeepbreath

Happy to have you on board. That "step-by-step" you were looking for is the long trail journey of unfolding education and trial/error that most of us are on, as we apply the toolbox to the very unique situations we each have. Yet although each story is unique, we are mostly hiking the same path, with folks located at all areas along the path.

Enough education and awareness and we may be able to provide a "step-by-step" to the next generation BEFORE they get loved-bombed by a PD for the first time.

SoT

Stillirise · September 28, 2021, 10:02:36 AM

I just wanted to add, welcome to our little community. I've been here for over 2 years, and have gotten more insight and had more personal breakthroughs here, than from any other place. I started off confused, embarrassed, and not even sure I was in the right place. Now that I'm mostly on the other side (divorced from my uPDxh), my primary goal has shifted. I'm still here, so that I can try to help my children avoid ending up on the same path as either one of their parents—disordered, or enmeshed and enabling it. There's so much good here, in so many ways. I still visit the toolbox, when I need a reminder, and also find little gems of wisdom on the forum every time I stop by.

takeadeepbreath · October 01, 2021, 08:43:41 AM

Thank you SoT and Stillrise. It has been quite the past few days for me - after so many years of being in the dark. Reading posts and older threads, it has been really helpful - life altering awareness. ( I just realized there is a search feature to search topics in posts. )

It's amazing, if you know what to look for, how the awareness and truth unfolds. My recent everyday interactions with PD and observing her interactions with our kids - this heightened awareness, doing my best to not fall back to "what doesn't work", setting and clearly stating boundaries - I can see the impact it can make
I'm not kidding myself, I know how volatile and dangerous my uPDw can be, I still have a lot to learn. Seeing her be so irresponsible / unhealthy to and around the kids - I don't know how to handle that yet. I have some choices, and changes I need to make. . .

I'm feeling a bit exhausted, but in a different way, (I am making sure I do some self-care) - it's sort of like it's been a really tough work week, or maybe like finals week at school. This is NOT the utterly confused, and defeated feeling while being deep in the fog. Actually, I've had some of the first moments of peace I've felt in a very long time.

blossom · October 01, 2021, 11:56:52 PM

hi takeadeepbreath,

sounds like your lightbulb moment is very illuminating and you have so much strength to move forward for the best choices for the kiddos. its amazing how it helps us to realize how limited they are. i found a phrase that helped me like a mantra.. "he's just not capable, he's just not capable". it actually helped a lot.
glad you all are safe and getting some footing...

looking forward to reading your posts and updates.