New and Nervous

[LostDaughter]

Hi All,
I've come here for support in understanding my uBPDM. Recently, I considered going NC with her because the emotional stress was too great. However, knowing how to cease contact with her also filled me with anxiety and I also don't have the necessary tools and skills to cease contact with her in a "productive" manner. I ended up writing her an email (which is years overdue) explaining some issues that I have carried on my shoulders for the past 20 years. I avoided "you" statements, did my best to not place blame, and reassured her that I do love her and care about her, which is the reason I wrote the email in the first place. After writing and sending that email, I felt more at ease, and I no longer felt like there was a weight on my chest. At the end of the email, I told her that we could talk about it in a few days, after she had some time to process what I said and to give her some space. (I knew the email would hurt her, regardless of my intent.) She did not respect that boundary and "blew up" my phone for the next two days. I did not respond because I needed to respect my own boundaries and more importantly, I understood that this was her attempt to get me to engage with her. I did eventually respond and told her that we could talk next week.
She and I have not discussed the email yet and I am sure that there will be a lot of guilt, blame, and lack of ownership, but I am hopeful that I will stand up for myself and not allow her to walk all over me. I'm in the process of joining a NAMI support group and have started reading over the NEA-BPD website. I believe that with the support of this group (and others), I will be able to set firmer boundaries and learn who I am as my own person.

Thank you all for listening.

[bloomie]

Hi there LostDaughter. I am so thankful you are reaching out for support in all the ways you can as you make these important turns toward more balance and peace in your relationship with your mom.

Count me in as another adult daughter of a mom who manifests all of the traits for BPD. It can be tumultuous and incredible consuming to our detriment to not know how to proceed with healthy boundaries and limits with our moms. Seeking to build a toolset and support system for yourself is so wise and will serve you the rest of your life.

There are great resources at the drop down menus, sub forums, online resources, and great conversations all over the boards. Make good use of the content and when you are ready find the board that best fits your circumstances and dive in. We are glad you are here!