I'm so done with N/BPDm (TW: might be kind of intense)

[WonderGirl]

When I was a teen, my mom hated me. She never like me, but during my teens there was a particularly vile hate she held for me. There was nothing about me that didn't disgust her and she continuously, relentlessly, let me know. She picked, scolded, mocked (oh god the mocking), blamed, everything. Occasionally she would stop talking to me....silent treatment. I don't recall if I ever found out why, maybe I did eventually, but I don't remember. I would lie in bed crying my eyes out because no one liked me. I had no friends. No family near by. I was completely isolated and constantly tormented by her. I had a dad, but he was spineless. No one helped me. No one cared. She would do this thing that would make any kind of reconciliation my responsibility. One time she quit talking to me for a week or two. So hard to have your mom reject you exactly at the age you need your mom. Anyways, I walked into my room one afternoon and there was new blouse laying on my bed. I wasn't allowed new clothes very often, so this was a big deal. The thing was, it was too small and kind of ugly. But mostly, it meant that now I had to approach her to thank her for it. I had to make that first move. And I just couldn't do it. I crumpled on the floor and bawled. I was paralyzed. I felt like I was drowning in quicksand. I still don't fully understand that feeling, but I just wanted to die.

Eventually of course she found me and screamed at me for not thanking her for the gift and what an ungrateful nasty child I was, etc. I quite literally felt like a steaming pile of dog poo. There were lots of these incidents, but this one was at one of the darkest times of my life and it broke me.

Now, almost 50 years and 2000 miles later, she did it again. I visited her a month or so ago after a long absence. I wrote about that elsewhere, but left on a bad note after she trashed my friends and husband in the most awful way. I flew home and never heard a word from her. She usually asks if I got home ok. But I have no desire to talk to her so that was ok.

But then she sent a text on my birthday. Just happy birthday. And that same trapped feeling came welling up. Dammit! I've been in therapy for my entire adult life to deal with mangled mess she made of me, and one stupid text threw me right back into the FOG, along with the anger that goes with that. Because now it's MY responsibility to thank her or else I'm a once again, a big fat steamer. God I hate her. And then a week later I get a birthday card from her sister. I don't know if it's a flying monkey thing, but it will for sure be used as further evidence of what a horrid ungrateful person I am.

On the bright side, I am unlikely to hear about it, at least, not anytime soon. She will vent at my GCbrother, but he won't bother to contact me because it would interfere with his drinking. She might say something to my son, but he won't pass it on because he's smart and kind and actually does love me. (She adores my son, used to tell me every chance she got that I didn't appreciate what a good kid he was and didn't deserve him because I had been such an awful child).

I'm trying to negotiate more money at work right now and I'm finding this recent incident to be getting in the way. I am overwhelmed with a sense of unworthiness which makes it tough to convince anyone else that I'm worthy of anything. This happens a lot to me. I really do hate her for ruining me. The time and money and work to patch myself up has consumed my entire life.  And, as this story shows, I have not been all that successful.

Sorry for all of this. I'm just so angry and hurt and frustrated! I'll not see her again before she dies and I hope she leaves me alone in the meantime.

[Maz]

Hey Wonder girl,

First of all you need to give yourself a break. I can relate so much to what your saying about your mom because mine was very much the same. 

My mom enjoyed the chase, and by chase I mean the way I would always try to make it better. An example would be, just like your mom mine would not speak to me for hours, days or even weeks when I was a young teenager. I didn't understand why so I'd try to fix it. It would go something like this:

Me: Mom, what's wrong? You look mad.

Mom: LEAVE ME ALONE

Me: I don't know what I've done wrong

Mom: IF YOU DON'T KNOW NOW YOU NEVER WILL

Me: I'm sorry, I'm sorry for whatever it is I've done wrong.

This would go round and round but now I realise my mom loved it. It's what she wanted. She got to treat me like sh1t and enjoyed it and then had me all over her and she again enjoyed it.

I may be wrong but I'm guessing you mom is similar. She's enjoying you trying to fix it because she's getting your undivided attention. It's coincidental that it breaks your heart every time she does it because it's all about her.

Your mom is your mom but she doesn't get to say if you have any value on this earth. You have value already with or without her say so. Just remember your full of worth, your not the things she says and you will have people who value and love you. Regardless of how she feels.

Take care, I can understand how hard it is. Especially the birthday thing. Mine used to buy me a gift, not speak to me. Tell me she didn't want to speak to me, look at me like something on her shoe, give me the gift and then say how ungrateful I was. I couldn't say thanks anyway because she wasn't speaking to me, she would walk off. This was done on my 16, 18 and 21 birthday. It's deliberate to spoil your day. She's probably very jealous of you but won't admit it.

[Writing My Own Story]

We grow up with these pd parents and we develop such a fierce empathy. It's forced upon us and we can't get rid of it. Then we become adults and we realize just how much of that empathy is imposed and not nurtured. We're not good at this because our parents encouraged us to have positive feelings, but because we had to watch their feelings so carefully. And it leads to this horrid understanding of how much empathy they lack. We've been forced to manage their feelings for so long, and then as an adult we get either no gifts or something just TERRIBLE. Blouses that don't fit, the same shitty plastic toolkit 2 years in a row, bath bombs! But I don't own a tub so...

It's just terrible, I think, to realize as an adult that your own empathy was forged in the fire of your parents' narcissism. You know she expects these things because as a coping mechanism you learned to read her, and others, to save your own life.

Of course here I am talking about it like I know WTF to do. Wait for her to die and put her in a shitty dress for her funeral.

[Boat Babe]

My heart goes out to you and those with vile mothers. The damage they do. Gargh.

I use the easy and simple techniques of Mindful Self Compassion to soothe and comfort myself when pain arises. I really rate it and share it with everyone. Google Kristen Neff.

[Starboard Song]

I use the easy and simple techniques of Mindful Self Compassion to soothe and comfort myself when pain arises. I really rate it and share it with everyone. Google Kristen Neff.

[WonderGirl]

You guys are the absolute best.

Maz, my conversations would have been the same, except that she wouldn't recognize that I was talking to her. She would just turn away like I didn't exist at all. It was tough and I think I was having a flashback yesterday. Writing all that out was cathartic, but it was intense. All of your perspectives helped so much. I honestly didn't think it as being too hard on myself....I thought I was just being realistic. In fact, I often have a hard time believing it was that bad, rather I tend to think that I just lack the resilience and fortitude to buck up and get over it, which of course is all part of the same message she gave me. What I wrote yesterday was the emotional dump that was over the top....but not for the reasons I originally thought it was. Not because I am over-playing how awful she was to me, but because of how hard I am being on myself. There's an important difference there that I'm only starting to understand.

I ordered the Neff book, actually got the kindle version so I can start it now.

And, WMOS, I hope not to be at her funeral, but I will tell my brother that, yeah, that burnt orange fitted jumpsuit was her absolute favorite thing to wear.

XXOO

[Poppy]

Dear Wonder Girl,

I know exactly what that feels like. Being thrown some crumbs and having to respond positively. To be grateful, graceful, or else... Both my Nmom and especially my Nsis use this tactic.

It's so insidious, because basically we now tell OURSELVES we need to respond. The ultimate manipulation isn't it?

And recently, only very recently I feel like I've stepped away from under that dark, wet, smelly tarp of a burden. And you know why? Two silly quotes on Pinterest and Instagram, that just came at the right time I think and hit me like a lightening bolt!

I'll share them with you in hopes it resonates with you too:

1.
Here's a little secret. The most relaxing thing you can do for yourself, is let people be wrong about you.
Yep. When people are wrong about you... let them be.

2.
Learn to be done.
Not mad, not bothered, just done.
Protect your peace at all cost.

These people have already decided that whatever we do, say, don't do, don't say... It'll be wrong. That's how they like their reality to be and we will never change their minds to believe we are the beautiful, kind, loving, talented people we actually are. They don't want that version because it doesn't suit them. There is no winning. Except when we stop playing their game. Just stop and let them think whatever they will. And be Done. That's a HUGE win - for us 

Hugs to you!

[WonderGirl]

These are great, Poppy, but challenging. I mean, what we were conditioned to believe is that it is crucial to be right. And of course we never were. I like these and I am going to sit with them for a while. Thank you!

[notrightinthehead]

A big hug from me!  How I wish that young girl you were had found someone to tell her that she deserves better.

I have learned in my own recovery that I cannot help being brought down by an interaction with my abuser. But my bounce back time has become so much shorter.  It used to be weeks, then days,  now it's a few hours.