There is no short version

[Happily]

Hi! I feel like I know some of you since I have lurked here a few times in the last few months. I am finally ready to let you know me, as I am starting to come Out of the FOG and I see that having understanding support is key. This is the year I will remember as having discovered that my mom is a narcissist, or has a personality disorder, and that everything I thought I knew about her, myself and my family of origin is potentially a figment of her imagination. Getting to this place of understanding has taken 48 years and is the direct result of a very traumatic year in 2019-20. There really is no short version of this story, but in the interest of my sanity, I will keep it minimal. I am not ready to let it all hang out.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 gallbladder cancer in June 2019. By the end of July, she was living with me and my DH and DS in order to get the best care we could find for her at a top cancer center with a specialist in her disease. The folks near her home, despite being a higher ranked center, were not good enough for her having dared to tell her she should get her affairs in order. She was literally on death's door and I felt like it was my job to care for her and protect her, so having her in my home seemed like the only option. The first 6 months were rough and she seemed like she would pass away at any moment. I was on high alert. I was afraid that I would make the wrong decision and my younger sister would be hurt or upset. After more than 20 years of freedom, I was back in my role as a parentified child/caregiver to my sister. Also, whenever I would go to my sister for support for some of my mom's difficult behavior (remember, she is pd and I didn't know) my sister would say that she would do a better job and that she had planned to be the one caring for mom. Mom left her (they are neighbors) to be with me across the state and she was jealous!  All I heard the whole time was that mom's needs were more important than mine and as such, I neglected my husband and son to care for her. Worse, her PD behavior flowed onto my son and I could not stop it. I didn't know how.

Mom was stable (not cured) by May 2020 and after being sequestered together for the first part of 2020 (thanks COVID!) we were all ready for her to go home. I naively thought that things would return to normal after she left, but there was so much damage I don't believe we will ever fully recover. I finally found counselors for myself and my son in September and things really started to unravel. Between September and December, the fog started to thin a bit and I found myself confronting my mother more and more. This was by phone, not in person. And, she responded by hanging up on me. The second time she did that, after insulting me first, something inside me broke. We spoke 4 times after that with the last time being in March of this year. She said she was done trying to work things out with me on a zoom call with her counselor on the line, and that began NC. She has hoovered a couple of times and sent my sister in as a flying monkey, but I blocked mom and only keep the line open to my sister because they cut me off from mom's patient portal and I have no other way of knowing what is happening with her treatment. I debate whether I want to know, but for now I do.

This morning I learned that mom's cancer is growing and not responding to the treatment she has had the best results with. I have mixed feelings but am mostly just grateful that I am not part of the drama. I feel like the worst daughter in the world and am probably living up to all of the bad things they are thinking about me, but after the abuse I have taken, I see no other way but to continue NC.

Thanks for reading. I welcome your thoughts and reactions.

[bloomie]

Hello Happily - I am really glad you have officially joined us.

You write so vividly of this past 2019-2020 that I could see it in my mind's eye. And my heart began to sink as I anticipated the inevitable unraveling as you neared the end. I am truly so sorry for all that has unfolded and been revealed and for the no win situation you find yourself in as your mother's health seriously declines.. just as you knew it would and she was warned of.

Serious disease, treatment choices and options, complex communication within the family unit, facing end of life issues with a mother that is emotionally and spiritually ill-equipped all the while everyone around her is being further damaged by her behaviors is a nightmare I have personally walked through.

I can say this... you are building a force for healing all around you as you find good and wise counsel in therapy and reach out for support and validation here. There are resources all over this forum that will further empower you and strengthen you.

Taking distance from a mother who has so disregarded the depth of sacrifice and tremendous love you and your family have shown her in your home is wisdom. It is in the safe space we create around ourselves and our family that we can begin to make conscious decisions - eyes wide open in understanding of exactly what we are dealing with - to how much access, influence, and trust we may or not be able to give someone who has breeched and wounded the most sacred places in the relationship instead of cherishing and protecting them as it seems your mother has done.

This morning I learned that mom's cancer is growing and not responding to the treatment she has had the best results with. I have mixed feelings but am mostly just grateful that I am not part of the drama. I feel like the worst daughter in the world and am probably living up to all of the bad things they are thinking about me, but after the abuse I have taken, I see no other way but to continue NC.

What I have learned since coming here is that feelings are not = to facts. Feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged and processed honestly. But... you can step back from the feelings and you have to know you are a good, good daughter filled with kindness and love. You have given your mom the greatest gift anyone could have during this battle she is in. And it is enough. It is beautiful and more than enough. Let that false message go.

I hope you will stay awhile and share as you gain ground and find a firm path forward for your feet. I welcome you and will see you out there on the boards!

[Happily]

@Bloomie, Thank you so much for your eloquent and insightful response. I am just seeing it now and I believe the timing is perfect. I am recovered a bit from my initial reaction to the latest update on my mom's condition and my perspective is clearer. I think I am suffering from shame over what I know is expected of me by my FOO and the fact that I am choosing something else. For once, I am choosing my own needs and this feels uncomfortable for everyone. Since I am not the cause of any of my mother's issues, I have no reason to feel guilty. I'm claiming that!!!