Yearning

[pianissimo]

I have recently realized, there is a part of me that yearns for someone, anyone to take care of her. I think she becomes loose when I'm struggling with something and when I feel helpless and abandoned. But, apparently, I haven't been keeping a good track of these feelings, so the yearning awoke a couple of days ago and disappeared yesterday.  When the yearning arises, it's very difficult to sooth it. It's almost like it has a life of its own, and it goes away when it wants to go away. When the yearning shows up, I just feel yearning for someone, anyone. I suppose, in these moments, I fixate on a person I like, I yearn for that person to come and hug me, and don't leave me. So, this yearning is also some kind of trauma bond. It feels like deprivation, and it's excruciating. It's like being denied water or food. It's almost like a physical pain.

Ever since I recognized the yearning, I have had this hunch that it comes from the time when I was a baby. I don't know if it's about this or if I'm using this story to make sense of this feeling but, whenever I visit my uncle and cousins, they tell me this story that there was a time my mother gave me to them for a couple of months to wean me of the breast milk, and, apparently, I cried a lot during that time. The anecdote about my nonstop crying is related to this detail that I would stop crying only when a particular cousin showed up.

My mother also tells me stories from the time I was a baby that, to me, implies, perhaps, she couldn't bond with me. She basically tells me she didn't enjoy breastfeeding me.

Also, do you think there is any way to soothe myself in this kind of situation? Like, how do you soothe a baby?

[Boat Babe]

Wow, you've hit a deep seam pianissimo. In answer to your question, you don't soothe a baby with language (but you do use a soothing, comforting voice and words. ). You mostly soothe a distressed baby by holding them, rocking them, making eye contact, smiling, maybe skin on skin contact, singing gently etc. These are all physical and they perform a magical function in that they help the tiny baby's body to come back to a state of calm by meeting the baby's needs for closeness, comfort and mother/child bonding.

If this was denied you, then yes, that early experience is still going to be with you, with all the unmet yearning that still lives within you. More inner baby than inner child.

By sitting with the feeling and paying it attention, which it sorely needs by the way, you will find a preverbal memory, a link to your inner baby. Comfort her like you would a baby, hug yourself, rock your body gently, say soothing things, put your hand on your belly and breathe.... She's not crying on her own anymore.

The more you meet her needs, the less she will cry and the less you'll feel that strong emotional yearning.

[pianissimo]

Thanks for the suggestions Boat Babe. Even reading about them is calming. After sending the post, I thought of going for songs that would sound like a lullaby. When I think of it, I have always had connection to music on a rather primal level. I now think perhaps that's because those I like appeal to the inner baby too. But, then, when the yearning is there, it sometimes refuses the songs too. But, I never intentionally attended to the yearning by imagining it's a baby, so it's possibly the songs were refused because they were a way to suppress it rather attend to it. I will try to take care of the inner baby and check in to see how she's doing. I like the thought of doing this.

[Boat Babe]

That sounds great. Tell us how you, and she, goes.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I really relate to the experience of deep yearning.  Interestingly, I too had a separation from my mother and anyone I knew before 6 months of age.

My yearning is always for the ex.  When I pay attention to it, it feels very young and vulnerable ... and also naïve or unable to grasp the truth of the hurtful, untrustworthy side of the pwPD.  I just want to run back into his arms as if nothing else mattered.  It's amazing I stayed NC through some of that.  It's been 21 months of NC now.

I'm working with a trauma T.  We're doing somatic experiencing, though she also does EMDR.  It's to integrate the old trauma.  I believe it is helping.  it works with the energies of the body which I find much more effective than just talk T.

I hope you give yourself a lot of TLC.   It sounds like you're on a good track!

[pianissimo]

Lookin 2 B Free

Sustaining NC in that state sounds hard. To me, the yearning is very close to physical pain.

I find the qualities of your yearning interesting. I didn't think of the yearning that way. I can find a baby crying in my yearning, but there is also something aggressive and angry there. It refuses to be soothed, it wants what it wants. My attempts to soothe it makes it angry.  But, all that aggression and anger is because it's in so much pain.

I feel fine now. The yearning has receded. Looking back, it was quite a weird experience. Even though I knew what I was feeling was a trauma response, I felt like meeting that need. I had always assumed, after becoming aware of it, I would not feel that kind of attachment to anyone anymore, but I felt it so strongly. So, understanding it or being aware of it doesn't make it go away.

In my case, observing the triggers helped me to keep perspective. I knew I was having a difficult time, I knew the yearning was triggered by the feelings of helplessness and abandonment. The need kind of subsided after a friend offered help around a problem I was having. He then shared some kind of vulnerability that made me feel connected (they were having a similar problem as me). The other day, I realized I was triggered and emotionally dysregulated. So I watched breathing techniques to relax, which kind of worked. All this brought me out of that mood.

So, I think we should be kind to ourselves when we are in that place, we should acknowledge our struggle, and we should remind ourselves our past trauma informs how we feel about problems today.

Realizing the inner baby helped with being more motivated to take care of myself though. For example, sometimes I wake up early, I guess I become emotionally dysregulated and can't go to sleep. But, now, I think of the the inner baby, and how it needs sleep, so I go to sleep. And it feels good actually. I remind myself of the baby when I do enjoyable things. Normally, I feel guilty when I'm not busy, like I'm not doing enough, but, now, the baby is a good reason to relax, do things that feel good. That yearning is no joke.

(I don't have resources to seek therapy. I'm also not sure if I want it. I find YouTube videos a great resource. Some people's channels helped me regulate myself. )

[1footouttadefog]

Babies learn to trust and depend on others, and to bond things like that while babes in the crib.

These things can greatly impact development.

I hope you are able to work through this toward health and healing.  Identifying such things can lead to even more discovery and healing.  I hope this is the beginning of a very positive change in things for you. 

[pianissimo]

Thanks 1footouttadefog.