Rough few days

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11JB68

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Rough few days
« on: October 04, 2021, 01:09:25 AM »
I'm so glad to have this site and the community. I've learned so much here and it really helps to be able to have some objectivity in seeing updh's behaviors for what they are.
He had an urgent health issue last week and handled it in true Updh fashion.
This was Thursday. I hardly slept that night and was so upset on Friday. Then Friday night he was still in a bit of a rage. He pulled it together on Saturday as Ds had a special event... The day went well. I was slightly surprised as Updh has been known to ruin special days. So relieved as this was really a big one. Today though he is in more of a depressed phase.
Looking back now with some objectivity.... updh's behaviors were typical and spanned a range of pd issues. Neediness, controlling, criticizing, low frustration tolerance, arrogance, rage, defensiveness, blaming, self pity, emotional dysregulation (!!! SO much of that!!). In the middle of this, oddly, he made some comments about feeling badly that I do so much for him and that he then gets angry at me for small stuff... (So there is some awareness there... But yet I know it won't change)
Then just being rude and nasty to me, argumentative, and reversing some of his own arbitrary rules...
Exhausting and frustrating.
And today.... Depressed and fatalistic, negative, woe is me attitude.
I've mc'd most of this.... Filled Ds in briefly when we had a moment alone.
Witnessing how Updh reacted in this situation, my main thought was, this man needs therapy and meds. He is truly mentally unwell. Yet just like medical care, he would reject the suggestion, if he did go it would be more of the above....

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square

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Re: Rough few days
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2021, 02:19:00 AM »
Sorry youíve been having a hard time.

Mine manages to go a few weeks between eruptions usually, and is just really checked out and low-level resentful inbetween. So he had an eruption about five days ago and I donít even want to talk about it here. Itís just a lifesaver to just have this place, it just helps me feel sane.

If we get a blowup before a big day it usually goes better. Heís let off some steam and maybe feels a little bad about his behavior and tries harder. Never lasts of course. Iím glad you got a rare good day on an important day.

A much smaller day but we are getting DDís learnerís permit day after tomorrow. Itís not a huge trigger but literally anything where he has to control himself is a potential trigger, such as having to be ready at a certain time (itís an appointment), having to find a place heís not perfectly familiar with, talking to people, sorting through documents, god forbid there is any sort of problem.

Then we are hoping to celebrate with a first drive. Well, it could be stressful, first time and all.

Just hoping itíll go okay.

I wish I could do it all without him. I wish he were the disabled one. Ah, now, that triggers a deep hurt based on what he recently said to meÖ,

Anyway, we here get it.

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tragedy or hope

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Re: Rough few days
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2021, 09:08:09 AM »
I too identify. We had a lovely interstate trip. Almost seemed normal. Actually started to feel close as if we were on the same page. Homecoming brought on a freak outburst because I did not cross a parking lot at his direction in front of a stopped vehicle. Venom ensued...
I feel for and with both of you. At least we know what to expect.
I try to separate my "self" from most of it and remember it isn't about me. Lost without me, unhappy if I shine too much... very annoyed when I am joyous. Pitiful really.

Take good care.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
~Maya Angelou

Believe it the first time, or you will spend the rest of your life in disbelief of what they can/will do; to you. T/H

Family systems are like spider webs. It takes years to get untangled from them.  T/H

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11JB68

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Re: Rough few days
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2021, 02:17:03 PM »
Square and Tragedy - thank you and so sorry you both deal with similar issues
Square: literally anything where he has to control himself is a potential trigger, such as having to be ready at a certain time (itís an appointment), having to find a place heís not perfectly familiar with, talking to people, sorting through documents, god forbid there is any sort of problem. YES, this!!!!
My SIL once said to me that updH cannot handle any kind of stress at all - and she is RIGHT.
Also - brace yourself - when DS got his LP, uPDh would not/'could not' do any parental supervised driving with him. It ALL fell on me while I was working FT etc. We'd go on family outings/trips and uPDh wouldn't let DS drive. We lost SO MANY potential hours of driving time :( In our area the student driver needs to log x# of hours with parents - it was SO stressful as we kept having to stretch it out, not due to DS but due to uPDh. AND uPDh (IS uOCPD) so is a stickler for rules (esp as they apply to OTHERS) and refused to 'fudge' the driving logs AT ALL.

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square

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Re: Rough few days
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2021, 02:49:01 PM »
We have to log hours as well. H will let DD driveÖ problem is, heís never awake. So no opportunity except for the drive home from school, which is not nearly adequate.

Fortunately, her frendís mother will probably step in. Sigh :(

If H is feeling ok, he could be a calm parent for helping her. But if he is stressed or tired at all - which is ďusuallyĒ - it will all go to hell.

I really wish I could do it. Heck, if I could, my life would be so different in so many ways, even if I still had this ball and chain.