He can still get to me

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Lauren17

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He can still get to me
« on: October 05, 2021, 02:19:18 AM »
Stbxh (uNPD) finally stopped the divorce related stonewall and we had a long talk.
As I sat and listened and tried to stick to neutral responses, I silently listed the traits and behaviors as I saw them.
Projection.
DARVO.
Making himself a victim.
Seizing control.

And yet, Iím trembling and nauseous and weepy. I hate hate hate that he can still get to me.
Iím angry with me for not having the boundary in place like Iíd thought. And for still caring about his words.
How do I meet with him to work these things out and maintain my sense of self?
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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Rose1

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2021, 04:54:46 AM »
It will get better.  Its because it's so raw and its a painful thing to go through.  It used to get to me even after i realised exbpdh enjoyed that. So tell yourself this will pass.

Alternatively the time honoured method of imagining him sitting there in pink polka dotted boxers might help 😄

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Boat Babe

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2021, 07:13:59 AM »
Hey Lauren.  First of all well done for getting this far, for leaving an abusive man and for learning about the dynamics of PD abuse. Many people don't make it this far.

I think it's normal that you still feel pain around his speech and behaviour, even though you understand the PD pathology. Don't beat yourself up. It's just that you need a bit more time for your emotional response to calm down, even though your rational, thinking brain is clear and knowledgeable.

Do some self compassion exercises when this happens, so that you can comfort yourself and move on again.

One day, you won't care what he says. Till then, take the best care of yourself and have a little vent here ❤️❤️❤️
It gets better. It has to.

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Lauren17

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2021, 07:38:58 PM »
Thank you for your kind responses.
I see now that our ďlong talkĒ was really an attack.
I also see how I reacted with old behaviors instead of responding with new ones.
Now Iím annoyed with myself for not doing better.

I guess this was more venting.  :unsure:
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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Bunnyme1

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2021, 01:40:07 AM »
Vent away.  We get it. 
 Their behavior is crazy making.  It is designed to be.  So when their behavior makes you frustrated, be kind to yourself for having a totally normal reaction to an abnormal set of behaviors.  As Boat Babe said, it is great that you are so aware and reflective. 

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2nice

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2021, 09:52:10 AM »
i swear they all read the same book. i went back 7 times, even after 2 intervention orders because i was so convinced by his emotional outpouring. so donít feel bad about yourself. it takes courage and strength and going against everything you feel is natural xx

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Lauren17

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2021, 02:39:58 PM »
i swear they all read the same book. i went back 7 times, even after 2 intervention orders because i was so convinced by his emotional outpouring. so donít feel bad about yourself. it takes courage and strength and going against everything you feel is natural xx

My attorney made the very same comment about reading the same book. Iím surprised, sometimes, when I see his behaviors and compare them against articles and books I've read.

It is so hard to resist the hovering!  I feel like Iím hanging on by my fingernails.
 
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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Boat Babe

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2021, 08:17:11 PM »
Lauren. Write down all the horrible things he did, the names he called you, he feeling of walking in on egg shells, the rages etc etc. Vomit it onto the page.

Then anytime you feel the old trauma bonds tugging or you get hoovered, read it, aloud . Remind yourself how bad it was so you don't go back.

Start taking pleasure in your peace and your freedom.
It gets better. It has to.

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Lauren17

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2021, 02:09:55 PM »
Thank you, BB. I did this. I ran out of time before I ran out of things to list. Then I walked around in a snit for a while.
I havenít had to reread it, yet. But event he writ g has helped with the guilt.
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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Happytobefree

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2021, 08:43:34 PM »
Hey Lauren,

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work to be able to identify the traits during your conversation!  It took me a long time to be able to do this and it was usually in hindsight that I spotted them.  lol

I don't know your current living situation, but are sit down conversations necessary?  He doesn't need to be in agreement for you to pursue a divorce and seek a lawyer, although, if it is something you both want, it makes things easier.  Maybe.

When my exH moved out, it meant all communication was via email or text, including my request for a divorce.  Messenger FTW!   The second he became angry and abusive, I left the chat room.  I still shook and cried, but he didn't see any of it.  :)

Wishing you continued strength and peace!  Keep moving forward!

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Lauren17

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2021, 03:30:43 AM »
Happy, I can sometimes see the traits as they fly at me. But not always. He still surprises me more often than Iíd like. This ďlong talkĒ being a prime example.
At the time I posted this, we were still living ďin the marital home.Ē So, yea, in person talks required.
We have kids, so switching to 100% text may not be possible. But Iím going to try now that Iím out of his house.
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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Dodo

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2021, 11:00:50 PM »
Remember you can't help the way he is you can only help yourself to get out of a toxic and very bad relationship, I know how you feel there are always the good times to remember, the times when he was everything you wanted him to be, but follow your instincts and your heart, you know! 

Thank god for this site to help us realize that no that is not right, no that is just not good enough, I will not live that way!

hugs

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penguindectomy

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2021, 12:22:57 AM »
I've never heard of DARVO before, but I looked it up. Thank you for this. Each time I find the words to describe something else I experienced with my exNPDh, I'm able to fit one more piece into the puzzle.

I've been separated nearly two years now, and I think I would be just as triggered by a conversation like this. Going no contact made all the difference in the world for me, because he no longer has the means to manipulate and harass me. My xh can only communicate with me via email, and his emails go directly to a file so I don't see them every time I open my account. I only read them when I am in the right headspace, and I ignore them unless they immediately concern our kids. Our kids are old enough to have their own phones, so he could still reach me in an emergency if need be (the kids are with me full time).

I realised at a certain point that it was impossible to have any meaningful conversation with him about anything of relevance because he "DARVOed" me every time. Even interactions that seemed pleasant were triggering and/or provided him with information to further manipulate me. Everything is at a stand still because he won't provide any of the necessary legal documentation, and he won't follow through with anything he or his lawyer says he will. I'll have to take him to court. The legal fees are killing me :(.

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Lauren17

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2021, 11:24:23 AM »
Iím glad the DARVO term helped you with some clarity. I remember first learning it myself and thinking ďHe does that to me all. The. Time!Ē

I love your idea regarding the email folder. I will set that up once we have parenting plan in place.

Iíve also recently decided to set aside one time a day to read communication from him. Thinking that will help my stress levels.
Iíve cried a thousand rivers. And now Iím swimming for the shoreĒ (adapted from Iíll be there for you)

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Boat Babe

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Re: He can still get to me
« Reply #14 on: November 18, 2021, 04:00:44 PM »
Way to go Lauren. 💪💪💪
It gets better. It has to.