Boundaries: an easy way in.

[Boat Babe]

I never learned about boundaries as a child. This obviously got me into trouble as an adult. As I have come Out of the FOG I became aware that they are a thing but just didn't "get" how that looked in practice.

Today I did an internet search on "teaching boundaries to children"  Lo and behold, especially in the images section,  was all I ever needed to know about boundaries but was afraid to ask. 

I am going to write out my values, my do's and won'ts and practice a few clear boundary marking sentences.  It's never too late.

[1footouttadefog]

I  so glad I started coming Out of the FOG as my kids were growing up with a od father.

I was here in Out of the FOG and reading a iht narcissists and how they disregard boundaries and make people feel guilty just for wanting normal privacies.

I was able to recall how my brothers had invaded my space and how nothing was personal or private. One example was that I had a crush on a friend in middle school and wrote his name with pipe cleaners and put it under my pillow when I prayed for him at night in bed. He had become suicidal and was acting out alot and I was worried about him. 
  This was discovered and paraded around the house and made fun of.  I remember thinking, I guess I forgot to straighten it out anf put then back in my drawer. I felt like it was my fault.

It was way later I thought, Why were my brothers 5 and 7 years Older than me in my room messing around to even find that.

I allowed my kids to put up boundaries and empowered them to push back if they were pushed against.

[Boat Babe]

Top life skill !  My 25 year old has superb boundaries that he learnt in a year of DBT. I want to applaud when he does it, even with me.

[JollyJazz]

I just want to say, I think it is SO incredible to all of us working on ourselves and also teaching the next generation. How amazing to break cycles and create a healthier future. Just a big high five for all on this thread and forum! 

[bloomie]

Boat Babe you wrote this recently in another thread and I think it is so true:

The more I do this work, the more important boundaries become.  I think healing and good boundaries go hand in hand. It's not easy at first, but the real difficulty in boundary setting is our own fear, not the other person's reaction/response.

The bit about the real difficulty being our own fear of another's reaction brought a memory to mind. I was standing at the back of an outdoor celebration of life and sitting a few rows in front of me were three couples that had made our family life a misery for a very long time when first married and quite young. Like you share in your initial post in this thread, I had permeable boundaries at best having any attempts at autonomy or agency cruelly and swiftly snuffed growing up.

So, these couples brought a level of havoc and unnecessary pain to our family life in large part because I was afraid of them and what the further potential harm they could bring. For quite a good number of years I was afraid to even distance myself from them or do anything but my go to trauma response.. fawn. 

By the time of this celebration of life we had managed over time to distance ourselves and it was incredibly painful and honestly, more awful than I could've predicted. Just keeping in real.

I stood there and looked at them and thought to myself... what in this world was I afraid of? They are like toothless tigers and when they roared I ran like a rabbit! I didn't even stop to weigh the real threat to myself and my family I am sad to say for a long time.

We were young, healthy, smart, capable and filled with energy, we had established a loving FOC and community around us, and yet we gave away so much of that time tethered to and dealing with the toxic behaviors, beliefs, attitudes and eventually even legal battles to people who have proven they do not care about us or our family.

We could've walked away and for too long we were too invested and afraid to do it. We were stuck in the quagmire until we it got so bad we had to break free.

I would say this... for what it is worth. Setting/living out our boundaries with healthy people can be awkward or uncomfortable at times and will resolve and move us toward more secure and trustworthy connections with each other.

Setting/living out boundaries with unhealthy people in unhealthy systems may (I believe will) cost us and the longer we wait in fear or stay in a toxic stew of misery the bigger the price tag on our hearts and lives. Still worth it to gain our freedom and empower ourselves, but do it sooner than later is my experience, but either way.... do it!

Like others have shared, I have also done all I can to empower my children, and now grandchildren, to authentically express themselves without fear of shaming or reprisals or discarding and to live their lives from their own developing core values and beliefs. I am grateful for their resilience and strength.

It is eye opening to think about how differently all of our lives would've been had we had even one person who helped us understand the basics of boundaries and supported us in learning what it looks like to live with them as natural expression of our human rights.

[Hepatica]

One of the biggest messages given to me by my uNPDfather was that there was no boundaries allowed within family. If he was angry, he was allowed to strike us. If he wanted to find out about us, he'd read our mail, or our journals.  Later, in the past five years, I learned that if I set boundaries, I was considered mean.

I believe that setting a boundary with someone will give me a lot of information about them. If they react unreasonably to my reasonable boundary, it seems to reveal how toxic they are.

I didn't learn this until very late. I am in my fifties and boundaries has been one of the biggest challenges I've had throughout all of this learning curve with toxic people and my toxic FOO.

I too teach my child boundaries and I'm so glad he's learning early.

[j.banquo]

I believe that setting a boundary with someone will give me a lot of information about them. If they react unreasonably to my reasonable boundary, it seems to reveal how toxic they are.

IME, this is absolutely the quickest way to assess someone's emotional maturity, and even more than that their trustworthiness.

[Kat54]

I'm still figuring out boundaries coming Out of the FOG.  With my ex, there were none and you never crossed him. The times I did try to have boundaries it was met with a lot of anger and he became very distrustful of me. He said I was hiding things and keeping secrets from him. Plus He had zero empathy.   Though he never trusted anyone so no surprise there. It's something my kids at 24 and 26 need to work on for themselves. I tried to help them instill boundaries but it was hard with my ex. Who was a narcissistic child when it came to dealing with him.

[j.banquo]

It's something my kids at 24 and 26 need to work on for themselves. I tried to help them instill boundaries but it was hard with my ex. Who was a narcissistic child when it came to dealing with him.

I'm really sorry you're having to see your kids go through that. I've watched it happen with my niece, who's a wonderful person, and really very caring... I don't have any influence over her anymore, though. She's in her mid-twenties now.

I'm sure with your influence, they'll be able to work on it. I was able to work on mine in my twenties.