uNPDf wants us to be his emotional caregivers

[The Inner Light]

my uNPDf is a widower.  My mother died about four years ago.  A few members of the church we attended at that time suggested that my father join a grief support group consisting specifically of older men and women who had lost their longtime spouses.  One of the members of that group said it was her "saving grace" when her husband died.  She told us that another member of that group told her that joining the group was a "life saver".  We suggested to my father that he join the group and he roundly rejected the idea and said:  "I don't want to sit around and listen to people complain about their problems."  He's done little to nothing since then to take initiative in his life to provide for his emotional, mental and social wellbeing. 

I'm very upset with the fact that he's done nothing in this regard and that instead, he guilts me frequently about how lonely he is.  He clearly wants me and my family to be his emotional caregivers, his emotional crutches.  He also wants us to be there for him on his own schedule and his own frequency.  Right after my mom died we helped him by having him over to our house twice per week for  an evening meal.  That was very stressful for me for many reasons including the fact that I'm the cook in our family and had to meal plan/prep as well as the fact that he was EXTREMELY negative about most things and would complain most of the time.  He also has very bigoted views on things that we didn't want our children to witness. 

He's reaping what he's sown (ie not doing anything to better his life and build a support network of friends, peers, etc and suffering the consequences because of it).

I'm also fraught by this frequent guilting because I have my own issues I deal with on a daily basis including ADHD, Autism, PTSD from being a trauma survivor as a victim of extreme violence and CPTSD from childhood experiences.  Even with my challenges, I'm the sole financial supporter of my family, I have a wife and I'm a father to our children.  However, because of my challenges I'm limited to only being able to handle working and my family life and nothing else.  I simply can not handle being a primary or sole emotional caregiver to my father.

It's not fair that he did nothing to be responsible for the changes in his life and expects that we fill the void he refused to work to correct. 

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you are in this position.  As caretakers we feel pulled to fix things and to sacrifice for others even if we know logically it's not best.  Even if we resist there are emotional consequences.

Your father is old enough to know better.  This is who he is.  He is getti g a pY off od some kind or else he would change.

Keep that in mind.  People don't keep their hand on a hot burner.  They take the path if least pain and effort, etc.  Thst he continues this likely means that it is less painful or somehow better than alternatives in his reality even if you don't k ow what parameters make it so.

I hope you will be able to find a healthy level of interaction with your father.

[Sneezy]

Your father is very needy and no matter how much you do, it will not be enough in his eyes.  No matter what you do, it sounds like he is determined to be miserable.  And he sees it as your job to provide everything he needs.  You are to be his constant source of emotional support and entertainment.  Which is, of course, not at all reasonable.  You are an adult with your own responsibilities, and your father is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own life.

There are strategies for dealing with someone who is a covert narcissist.  I have found youtube videos by Dr. Daniel Fox to be very insightful.  You need to set firm boundaries.  Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, and explain).  Decide what your boundaries are and practice keeping up your boundaries.  Someone on this forum told me that it's important to DO your boundaries, rather than stating your boundaries and getting into an argument over them.  Also, look up Medium Chill in the toolbox section of this web site.  Medium Chill can be a lifesaver.

Set your boundaries, keep your medium chill set to extra-chill, and keep asking questions on this forum whenever you need to - wishing you all the best 

[lkdrymom]

The next time your father complains about being lonely ask him what HE plans on doing about it.  He may try and push it off on you and say if you just came around more often he would be fine.  Remind him that you already have enough on your plate and cannot be expected to solve his issues, that is on him.  If he pushed more remind him of how he acted when at your house and that was not acceptable.  He may be of a generation that tolerated awful behavior from elders so he may not understand right away.  My father mentioned that and I told him people in my generation wised up and realized we don't have to put up with bad behavior from the previous generation.