Continuing to Break Free - Removing Myself from The Gift List

[bloomie]

Twice in my decades long 'relationship' with my in-law family I have chosen to write a letter to one of them establishing what I am or am not going to do. Most of the time I choose to live my boundaries. These are situations where my words, spoken clearly and once in a format that will not be interrupted, talked over, argued with, raged at, was necessary for my peace of mind.

One letter, some years ago was written to make clear I would not be taking responsibility for the medical care and day to day hands on care of my elderly in laws - after GC sil had attempted to thrust that on me by ghosting her parents in the middle of ongoing, serious health crises and in the midst of my own DH's incapacitation with his own sudden medical emergency and weeks of recovery.

And today, another written to remove myself from uOCPD/NPmil's 'gift' list as she, at a very advanced age, has decided to sort through her heaps of stuff and begin gifting it to all of her family.   

Some context that may or may not make sense as it feels nearly impossible to describe how toxic and pervasive all of this is - as the masks of terribly nice and awfully sweet are firmly in place with mil and sil...going through the piles of stuff is a mother/daughter emotionally fraught, drawn out, drama bound ritual that I first saw with mil and her mother (H's grandmother) and carried on with mil, sil, and my niece. Bloodlines are everything as they sort and talk and handle items and manipulate each other and... just ewwww so strange and ugly.

The gaslighting and mean girl messages and behaviors surrounding these rituals have been extremely painful for me as I was at first young and naive and lured in to 'help' thinking I was welcomed in as a family member - until I realized I was scrubbing grandma's toilet while they were sorting anything of value and with the masks of extreme generosity making a small pile of worthless things no one wanted for our family. 

In the midst of this latest gifting mil had a complete, raging, ugly meltdown all over my DH for him requesting mil make note of any changes in her gifting on the legal document she created some years ago stating that all of mil's jewelry would go to GC sil with two small exceptions for each granddaughter.

Her response... she threw the document away. Umm... but, DH has a copy and her attorney has the original. So, that didn't go how she expected it to. She then threatened to call the attorney and have a word with him and change things.. DH welcomed her to do what she felt she wanted/needed to do. More raging, more ugly accusations against him and our entire family.

It's been a pretty terrible week or two as this has played out over several days. 

Yesterday, DH saw his mother and came home with boxes of jewelry for each of the females in our family and a letter to be read to our family stating how generous GCsil has been in sharing her mother's jewelry with all of us.

Something I am really struggling with him doing as he knew that there was no pretense these 'gifts' were in anyway equitable as mil stated to him she gave significantly less to my Ddil and myself because we are not 'blood'.  Still processing his decision to comply and bring that all into our home after previously stating he would not do that to his mother. 

There is no one in our family that cares at all about mil's things. Our adult children, like much of their generation, are minimalist in terms of acquiring heaps of things and have treated her with kindness, inclusion, and respect, overlooking her oddities and outright offensive behaviors. We don't care about her things... but, maybe that is the problem? 🤔

Back to the letters... after the first letter resigning as handmaiden to the King and Queen of Nothing I experienced so much peace. I read and reread my own personal declaration of independence over and over again and it soothed and comforted me until I no longer needed to read it. Whew! It was completely ignored by GC sil, and I didn't care because I knew we both knew I had freed myself -  even if it went unacknowledged.

This time, I have specifically made it clear to mil that I have regifted what was given to me and that I will no longer be keeping anything I receive from her household or personal possessions as she continues her downsizing, so please remove me from the gift list.

I am experiencing peace and rereading my little letter until I no longer need to. I am expecting blow back at my DH when mil next melts down - and if she lives long enough (she is very old), she will melt down.

I am reminded of the wise words of our own Starboard Song... and it goes something like this: "Don't let people who do not love you come between you and your DH." I am really working on not letting that happen, but disheartened with his choice - even if I understand it on some level.

I would encourage, if you made it this far... Don't wait as long I have to remove yourself from toxic, abusive behavior patterns and family rituals that feed the disordered and damage you. Four decades! Yep, this took me four decades to address directly as I have chosen to simply donate items or keep them tucked away in the past and realized all of that was, or has become, (for me) cooperating with something that was hurting me. 

Thanks for processing and reading along with me. I am so grateful for this community.

[moglow]

Wow. The nerve of them - and good on you for NO. Thank you. Likely they wanted to go another round, truly dont understand that stuff doesn't make *your* world go 'round.

Mine kept bringing up me visiting, for me to make a list of what I wanted, her "collections" (useless cheap mass produced junk) etc, and my standard response was - it's your stuff, you decide. Knowing in the back of my mind I'll likely dumpster whatever she chose for me anyway. This, from the sane woman who recently cashed in a life insurance policy to pay down credit cards. No. Really. That prepaid funeral would have been a much better use of that money. Who DOES that at 82+?? Still buying and filling her house with crap we're going to have to sort through and burn one day.

I think they truly dont understand there's no emotional tie or response left in us. It was either never there or was burned down many years ago. It is a statement of their mindset though, isn't it. Kind of enlightening when I stepped away as youve done.

[Sheppane]

 Bloomie I can imagine you feel some peace and personal freedom removing yourself from this messy sticky dynamic and how powerful to have that all written down so clearly in a letter and to be clear on your own boundaries.
Isn't there  something in all this gift giving / inheritance / inheritance in advance that has so much extra weight in these dysfunctional family dynamics ? The enmeshing and power/ false power of the person doing the gifting and the induced role to be played in that by being the dutiful DIL who gracefully receives ? All just so ewwww...
I have always struggled with gifts in my particular FOO dynamic and as we know on this forum it is never really about the recipient.
I think this particular version is a gaslighting of sorts " look how kind I am to gift all this to Bloomie" which were you not so aware of your own recovery / reality might lead you to doubt your reality/ your version of what this feels like and lead you to question yourself. But thankfully you can see right through it and can resign from that game. It took me a long time to realise just because someone gives me a gift doesn't mean I automatically need to feel grateful / buy into the dynamic of gratitude/ fawning over them for their thoughtfulness. Now I ask myself is this genuine and how does it feel. If it feels wrong it usually is.
I am truly sorry you had the accusations and ugly raging to deal with. But I love the ' declaration of independence '. It cuts right through.
You are giving yourself a clear message that you matter more and you see this for what it is and are making a healthy choice not to be part of it. Freedom.. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Good for you on dropping that toxic rope, Bloomie!

And thank you for sharing this. It's confirmed (at least tacitly) something I've been suspicious of with my own PDmil. She has been trying her damnedest to use my recently deceased BIL's possessions as a carrot to dangle in front of my husband. He has told her at least a dozen times in the past eight months: NO I DO NOT WANT ANY OF HIS THINGS. 

MIL's response is a sad attempt at a guilt trip: But he's your brother! I thought you'd want something of his! To which my husband's response is: His things are not him. They are just things.

She cannot get this through her head. I don't think she ever will. I believe she will continue asking him if he wants some of BIL's t-shirts or shoes (REALLY????) for the rest of her life, on the smallest hope that H will say, "Yes, I want XYZ." And then she can suddenly demand a price. "Oh, you want his XYZ? Then you'll have to come visit to get it!"

[bloomie]

I think they truly dont understand there's no emotional tie or response left in us. It was either never there or was burned down many years ago. It is a statement of their mindset though, isn't it. Kind of enlightening when I stepped away as youve done.

YES!!!! I have zip to give over this 'stuff' and all of the kerfuffle over things. The high drama and unkindness... and the false facade of generosity.

And I agree wholeheartedly that the Grand Sorting of the Things parlays into entitlement to a whole host of opportunities for contact and is a statement of the mindset and what they value that I have learned the very hard way to pay close attention to and step away from.

Mil and sil are notorious for not taking "No" for an answer. The most nervy and intrusive humans I have ever experienced.

It will be interesting to see how that lands in the coming days.

[bloomie]

Bloomie I can imagine you feel some peace and personal freedom removing yourself from this messy sticky dynamic and how powerful to have that all written down so clearly in a letter and to be clear on your own boundaries.
Isn't there  something in all this gift giving / inheritance / inheritance in advance that has so much extra weight in these dysfunctional family dynamics ? The enmeshing and power/ false power of the person doing the gifting and the induced role to be played in that by being the dutiful DIL who gracefully receives ? All just so ewwww...

I believe you are on to something that I too have wondered, though my own FOO had a lot of dysfunction it was just NOT like this and I was completely unprepared and out of my depth with the spoken and unspoken rules and expectations around possessions and stuff.  It is a preoccupation with material things that, as Moglow said, mostly are not valuable or that are collections and said to be treasures handed down through the generations. 

I have always struggled with gifts in my particular FOO dynamic and as we know on this forum it is never really about the recipient.
I think this particular version is a gaslighting of sorts " look how kind I am to gift all this to Bloomie" which were you not so aware of your own recovery / reality might lead you to doubt your reality/ your version of what this feels like and lead you to question yourself. But thankfully you can see right through it and can resign from that game. It took me a long time to realise just because someone gives me a gift doesn't mean I automatically need to feel grateful / buy into the dynamic of gratitude/ fawning over them for their thoughtfulness. Now I ask myself is this genuine and how does it feel. If it feels wrong it usually is.
I am truly sorry you had the accusations and ugly raging to deal with. But I love the ' declaration of independence '. It cuts right through.
You are giving yourself a clear message that you matter more and you see this for what it is and are making a healthy choice not to be part of it. Freedom.. 

I have trouble receiving gifts as well and so understand what you are saying how this makes us more vulnerable to gaslighting and inducing the expected fawning and expressions of gratitude. (which is one of my go to trauma responses)

Early on I had no way to understand all of this or how to protect myself. And yes, there are rules and protocols and huge drama around gifts as well as when they are giving their possessions away.  I too, have learned to show self compassion when I have no emotional response any more when someone gives me something in a way that hurts, is directly insulting, or that I could never, would never, ever need or want as a 'gift' because it satisfies something within themselves or reinforces their image in the eyes of others.

My DH asked his mother why she was gifting these things and why she had changed her mind about it all and... again the vacillating between rage and crying hysterically. When the dust settled he did say something to her like... no one in our family is focused on things and if you are giving these things for some purpose - to force some kind of recognition of GC sil, or to get some big response and huge thank you, then that is wrong.

24 hours later he had a rambling VM going into great explanation of how she wasn't giving to get anything out of it though a huge thrust of her accusations against us and our family is that we do not show enough gratitude to her and GC sil for their many kindnesses. 

[bloomie]

Good for you on dropping that toxic rope, Bloomie!

Thanks Cat!! I am actually more chagrined that it has taken me this long to drop that rope!!! You are too kind.

And thank you for sharing this. It's confirmed (at least tacitly) something I've been suspicious of with my own PDmil. She has been trying her damnedest to use my recently deceased BIL's possessions as a carrot to dangle in front of my husband. He has told her at least a dozen times in the past eight months: NO I DO NOT WANT ANY OF HIS THINGS. 

MIL's response is a sad attempt at a guilt trip: But he's your brother! I thought you'd want something of his! To which my husband's response is: His things are not him. They are just things.

Oh how I love your H's response! Thank him for me as I am going to use this when I need it... and I am sure that I will need it because this will not truly end until every last thing... including the roles of toilet paper left after mil's eventual passing have been bargained for, claimed, rejected, pawed through, discussed and discussed some more, light fixtures removed from the celling, towels shifted through... you get the picture.. and it will happen. I've seen them do it more than once before. I don't believe this will all end until it there is truly nothing left to use as a way of forcing connection/communication with family members that have been burned one too many times and refuse to further engage.

She cannot get this through her head. I don't think she ever will. I believe she will continue asking him if he wants some of BIL's t-shirts or shoes (REALLY????) for the rest of her life, on the smallest hope that H will say, "Yes, I want XYZ." And then she can suddenly demand a price. "Oh, you want his XYZ? Then you'll have to come visit to get it!"

I can only speak to my own situation, but it is that my mil and sil refuse to accept that for us, it is not about the stuff because it possibly shines a light on the superficiality and lack of true connection and familial relationships we share. It is harder to manipulate people who have not built a relationship with others on what they may get someday. That does not inform our decisions and in and of itself and is, I have come to believe, is a tremendous freedom and natural deterrent for further manipulation and emotional abuse.

I find your perspective and the unity you and your DH have around what matters all the while dealing with what have to be incredibly difficult emotions of grief and loss very beautiful.

[Leonor]

Well, it seems that the presence of personality-disordered people in our adult lives gives us opportunities to grow in our healing.

My own hpd mom was so egregious in her lavish gifting (it's not really giving, is it?) that dh began to simply drop off packages at our local charity ... And this was when we were on supposedly good terms. We always wondered if the neighbor who had fallen upon hard times realized that he may be walking around town in a pair of Italian leather shoes that would afford him a year's worth of rent!

And my ILs gifting is so disordered that my h actually accompanied them to their notary to ensure that he was entirely disinherited, because In our country the offspring inherit debts as well as goods. And even then, we know they might try to sneak him back in anyway, because of their quenchless thirst for control.

You're such a source of comfort, sense and good humor here, Bloomie, and thank you for sharing your own journey here with us. I'm sorry that some fog may have rolled in, but with the clear light of good sense I hope that you and your dh weather this recent mist soon!

PS. Without my reading gly, I thought your title was, "Removing Myself from the Guilt List"

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, good for you, Bloomie!

I've written about this before, but in my experience with my own uPD grandparents, they identified their things with themselves. How you respond to the stuff is intensely personal and loaded to them. It's a setup to seek validation of their personal worth. There is no winning. You have opted out, which will not be taken graciously but I believe it's the most gracious and healthy thing you can do in a disordered scenario like this. They are just things, and your insistence on regarding them as such is such a freeing stance. I think one of the tells among this sort of unhealthy dynamic is that there is a lot of stuff, but somehow not enough to go around, or the possibility of equity is thrown out in favor of drama, and that it's all done in advance so the elderly can enjoy the drama of distributing their unneeded stuff. If you want so-and-so to have such-and-such, why not just bequeath it in the will or give it privately? Why is it everyone's business what everyone else gets? Nope, ulterior motive. It's not about relationship.

I reserve the right to be more sentimental when the memories associated with the mementos are positive. People really do create their own legacies. I see your detached attitude as being yet another example of "We reap what we sow." I bet even your minimalist millennial family members (I resemble that remark!) would be honored to receive something of yours someday.

[bloomie]

Leonor.... I am over here laughing because my title should've been removing myself from the GUILT list!!!

Thank you for that and for your kind response.

My own hpd mom was so egregious in her lavish gifting (it's not really giving, is it?) that dh began to simply drop off packages at our local charity ... And this was when we were on supposedly good terms. We always wondered if the neighbor who had fallen upon hard times realized that he may be walking around town in a pair of Italian leather shoes that would afford him a year's worth of rent!

And my ILs gifting is so disordered that my h actually accompanied them to their notary to ensure that he was entirely disinherited, because In our country the offspring inherit debts as well as goods. And even then, we know they might try to sneak him back in anyway, because of their quenchless thirst for control.

Wow! Just running right over the top of you all with these things! You say it well: a "quenchless thirst for control" even if it is a house of cards - that control.

Possibly the earliest and most important indicator of the character and emotional health of another person (and myself) has become how they handle "no, thank you", or any circumstance or issue that challenges the family system or their personal paradigms of family or daily living or if something challenges how they view themselves. Paying attention to how another responds to the autonomy of another separate and distinct human is key these days for me.

I have extricated myself and am NC with GCsil and very LC with mil and MC whenever I am with her. I do not take phone calls, texts, have one on one conversations, am ever alone with any of my DH's family. The reality that smacked me in the face with this latest round is that no matter how reinforced the fences are in my yard there will a gateway through my DH for the foreseeable future and managing the ugly seeping into my good and peaceful life is where I need to focus I am more fully understanding.

Hence... the letter. And when I have gathered my thoughts a bit more a heart to heart with my DH. 

[bloomie]

I've written about this before, but in my experience with my own uPD grandparents, they identified their things with themselves. How you respond to the stuff is intensely personal and loaded to them. It's a setup to seek validation of their personal worth. There is no winning. You have opted out, which will not be taken graciously but I believe it's the most gracious and healthy thing you can do in a disordered scenario like this. They are just things, and your insistence on regarding them as such is such a freeing stance. I think one of the tells among this sort of unhealthy dynamic is that there is a lot of stuff, but somehow not enough to go around, or the possibility of equity is thrown out in favor of drama, and that it's all done in advance so the elderly can enjoy the drama of distributing their unneeded stuff. If you want so-and-so to have such-and-such, why not just bequeath it in the will or give it privately? Why is it everyone's business what everyone else gets? Nope, ulterior motive. It's not about relationship.

I reserve the right to be more sentimental when the memories associated with the mementos are positive. People really do create their own legacies. I see your detached attitude as being yet another example of "We reap what we sow." I bet even your minimalist millennial family members (I resemble that remark!) would be honored to receive something of yours someday.

Added this to my journal Cordelia! Exactly this! 

I also am sentimental when the memories and momentos are filled with light and love. It is not about what something 'cost' but rather what it is 'worth' in terms of real time, human interaction and how it is shared that makes all of the difference.

This observation is so helpful and revelatory and I will share it with my DH: "I think one of the tells among this sort of unhealthy dynamic is that there is a lot of stuff, but somehow not enough to go around, or the possibility of equity is thrown out in favor of drama, and that it's all done in advance so the elderly can enjoy the drama of distributing their unneeded stuff."

In spite of the mountain and presence of 'stuff' there is scarcity everywhere because what is missing, what is truly needed and what people are hungering after is love, acceptance, and safety. There is an abject absence of trust and foundational connection within the roots of the family system.

I have said for years to my DH... why are so many things that are potentially unlimited... like love and acceptance, kindness and graciousness, even personal success and achievement, attention, treated as if there is one tiny pie in the sky that everyone in your family is jockeying around stepping on each others faces for? 

It is very sad and extremely frustrating all at once.

[moglow]

What I see in those interactions are underlying judgements and games I don't want to play - but I really like THIS, why don't you want it? What's wrong with it/you? Or as others have mentioned, show any interest in anything in particular and No, that's not for you. GC has already asked for it. And that. Oh, s/he wants that too.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, Bloomie, by preemptively saying, "Thanks, but no thanks," you're denying them the sick pleasure/supply of withholding gifts too. I would play that game as tween. Ask for random item from the hoard. Get denied, every time. Grandpa would go back to watching TV. I'd get to go back to my book and avoid having junk I didn't want shoved at me, which my uPDF would then force me to keep. I had no idea why it worked that way at the time. As you say, it's a poor substitute for love, all around. 

[bloomie]

Yes, exactly games I do not understand and do not want to play. And a very poor substitute for love.

Example from a few years ago - An item was given to DH and me. It was lovely. I was surprised. I displayed or used this thing at a family gathering shortly after at which mil was present and even commented on it. About eight months later, in front of an audience, I was asked aggressively if I 'got that' item to another family member like mil had asked me to. 

I replied... When that was given you old us that was something you wanted us to have and you didn't mention this when you last saw the item at our home. Mil loudly and outraged... I never said that! I gave that for you to give to "someone else" and YOU KEPT IT!  Humiliating is not strong enough to describe that moment. I quietly responded I would get that item to the intended family member, in retrospect I should've given it back to mil because I received a message two days later asking if I had followed through.

This game, or some variation of it, has played out many times over the years and I have finally made the definitive statement, in writing, I will not be receiving anything else from mil's downsizing her hoard.

Talked with DH over a glass of beautiful pinot yesterday evening and expressed how often since I have hedged my garden carefully against these games, he is the Hedwig or carrier Owl, for a lot of this as I have removed myself from mil as much as possible for many years now. 

Maybe it is a healthy hopelessness (?), but I am coming to accept that the FOG that lingers within him in his relationships with his mother and FOO may never fully clear as I see that even when he expresses understanding and unity with me and we make an agreement about how to respond/not respond to certain patterns of behavior from his FOO, when face to face with the haughty displeasure or shaming, histrionics and bawling meltdowns of his mother or entitled demands and back channel manipulations of his sister, he sometimes compromises in ways that are easier for him in the short run, but bring harm to us and drag me backward in my own advances and healing and disengagement. 

In my depths, I believe this is dress rehearsal for the big bang to come - the distribution of mil's assets and belongings which DH is 100% responsible for per his father's carefully crafted legally binding emphatically stated and executed choices.

I am viewing this has an opportunity to firm up my will/will not in order to hold a healthy balance and be clear on my position both now when that time comes.

Your listening and support has been a balm to my at times anxious heart in the past few days. I am so grateful.

[Pepin]

Bloomie - this is horribly gut wrenching to read even though you have expertly inserted your own boundaries.  If only our spouses could just get completely Out of the FOG!  They just keep getting swirled into it.  Like you, we have also been on the receiving end of DPDmil's garbage (I mean gifts) and I've actually pitched most of it.  I have some bowls I would love to get rid of that we don't use and live on the top shelf of the cabinet.  And I can only imagine what other trash we might get sent our way when she finally kicks it.  We literally have no place for anything.  Zero.  All her furniture should be hauled away....and pretty much everything else.  Over the years she has tried to give other things that she wants DH to get rid of for her and he hasn't.  It is such a ruse.  She makes a huge deal of him needing to come over right away to take XYZ and then he does nothing with it.  Complete garbage.  And of course I can't really say anything because he is very protective of her.     I am baffled that he views her as this innocent and kind lady who only has people's best interests at heart.  She has people's interests at heart to serve her own personal agenda.  A true cover narcissist.    I am so sorry, Bloomie.

[bloomie]

Pepin - Thank you for your support and sharing understanding with the fatigue this brings over time.

Another tough conversation with my own DH about what part of this latest is a 'we' problem and how to address that was productive I am grateful to say. We are working toward each other and trying to find a place where we both consider and protect our lives and what we have built together from this kind of emotional highjacking in the future from anyone.

The challenge I think, Pepin, is that it seems we have been doing the work for years to learn how to set boundaries, communicate clearly and with grace, to limit the impact of unhealthy others who are either part of our life package or who come through our lives in some way. And, I continue to check in with myself and do all I can to be honest with myself about where I am at and what is motivating me. 

While my own H has grown and recognized some pretty serious fleas, he is much more compartmentalized and has not built the tools and foundational understanding that better equips him to handle tough behaviors from his family like most of us who spend time here together have done.

I have tried to liken it to my own H as tending my garden - I have a garden I love and care for every day - and this year deer took advantage of a break in the fence that my H had neglected for a veeerrrryyyy long time and almost destroyed the garden at peak season. Well... the fence finally got fixed, but the damage was done and never fully recovered for this harvest year.

Deer seem gentle, they are beautiful, they even seem peaceful as I watch them outside the fence.. but they can be incredibly, persistently destructive when their potential to do damage is underestimated and there is a break in the fence that my H has taken responsibility to fix and does not.

That is a key difference and difficulty - I am really clear on what I value and where my priorities lie and he is still foggy. And I cannot change that or control or cure that.

For us, the extended family stuff has been THE hardest and most longstanding difficulty in our marriage. Figuring out what is ours to do together and as individuals in response to all of the all is the complicated part.

I wish peace for you and your DH Pepin and for all of us who are grappling with this and trying to do the very best we can and continue to build up our FOC and keep our committed relationships strong.

[Leonor]

Hello Bloomie,

What a lovely metaphor of your healing garden. And you're absolutely right about the woodland creatures ... They are so adorable in Disney films (as if they would all gather round to help you tidy your cottage, like in Snow White) but anyone with a garden knows that they are in fact a relentless, furry nemesis!

I was wondering if the idea of a community garden might help you soothe yourself a bit here. You have a little plot of land, and DH has the plot next to yours, and perhaps mil has one next to his, and so on. We're all members of the community garden!

But you can tend to yours as you see fit. You can set up little fences to protect the tender shoots, and mow and prune as you see fit. Maybe sometimes a critter from dh might get into your plot and mess stuff up a bit, or some of the weeds in his plot start to creep up in yours. But you just go about your gardening.

I remember asking a really wonderful therapist if my cptsd was chronic. And she laughed out loud and said, Oh, Leonor, life is chronic! Same with dh's trauma bonds. They are to be considered and managed, but we may none of us ever truly break free.

So maybe there really is no forever lifting of the fog. It just rolls on in from time to time. And since your ILs are getting older, I would imagine that everyone is sensing the tremors of the upheavals to come. A perfect time to ensure your fences are sturdy and your shed is warm and dry!

Also, the gifting, de-gifting and regifting you describe is really bizarre. I'm sure that no matter how humiliated you felt at the time, any other person present who was fleas-free would have thought, Wow, that's a really rude thing to do. If I were Bloomie, I'd take it and bean her mil over the head with it!

[bloomie]

Thank you, Leonor. So encouraging to imagine that community garden you describe! I will hold that imagery in my head going forward. 🍃

I remember asking a really wonderful therapist if my cptsd was chronic. And she laughed out loud and said, Oh, Leonor, life is chronic! Same with dh's trauma bonds. They are to be considered and managed, but we may none of us ever truly break free.

So maybe there really is no forever lifting of the fog. It just rolls on in from time to time. And since your ILs are getting older, I would imagine that everyone is sensing the tremors of the upheavals to come. A perfect time to ensure your fences are sturdy and your shed is warm and dry!

I do recognize this as an opportunity to prepare for a tough season ahead. I think you are spot on about the family system sensing upheavals to come, including my mil as she is amping up her agenda that my H admit he is 'the problem' in the estrangement between he and his sister and continues to manipulate and insist he fix it before she dies. 

Mil's autocratic attempts to control the level of relationship, how DH regards or has experienced his sister's behaviors, his conclusions about his sister's priorities and character - all have been systematically attacked and when he refuses to align himself with his mother's paradigm and view of his sister and her choices his mother gets really mean and stirs up as much of a mess as she can and is quite punitive in nature.

So, given he is still often face to face with all of this shame filled disapproval and his mother's disappointment in him it does make sense freeing himself from the FOG completely may not be possible. From where I sit mil's behaviors are so blatant and malice filled it is near impossible to take anything she says seriously at this point, or view as rational or legit, if that makes sense? But, for my DH, it has to be much harder to view her behaviors that way and It gives me something to consider going forward.