Ex BPDw's health

[Findingmyvoice]

Hi all, looking for a little feedback and advice.
A week or two ago the kids told me that exBPDW's health problems have returned.
What this means in practical terms is that her quality of life will likely go downhill over the next few years and apparently her doctor told her to expect to live for another 6 years.
She can't get into an operating room or to get the care she needs because the hospitals in our area are full of covid patients.  I heard recently that over 8000 procedures have been postponed due to the health care system being overloaded and that's just the people that were already scheduled, there are new bookings every day.
I don't know if this directly effects her outcome or not.

First is helping my kids cope with this.
My daughters are pretty open with me about it.  They didn't seem to affected by it, they know that it makes their mom sad.  I think that for them 6 years seems like a long ways in the future.
I have not talked to my son about it yet.

Second is helping my ex to cope with this.
I don't speak to her except over text message or through lawyers.
She was completely checked out over the summer and back to school but the last couple weeks (coinciding with her diagnosis) she has been more willing to drive the kids and help with kid responsibilities.
I had last weekend to myself, which is the first weekend since early July where I have not had the kids so I took the opportunity to go hiking by myself. As a result I had a lot of time to think.

I feel bad for my ex.  As much as I don't like how she treats me or the kids, or people in general, I still feel like I need to help her.
Obviously I will help with anything that comes up as far as the kids needs.  I am doing that already.
I started to think about what I would want if I knew I only had 6 years left to live and my ability to enjoy life was going to diminish.
I would want to make the most of my time right now while my health is still good.

I'm wondering how I can facilitate that. 
I'm assuming that my requirement to pay spousal support doesn't disappear if she passes before I am done paying. I assume I pay the remainder to her estate.
I'll have to confirm this with my lawyer.
So, I'm thinking that she would make better use of the money now rather than having me pay her estate.
I'm thinking of offering to pay her money up front rathe than paying monthly to the end of our agreed term.
For me this will mean cashing in some investments that I have put away for my retirement and the kids education.
I won't jeopardize my kids education to make exbpdw's life easier in the short term.

I also have a strong urge to meet up with her to talk tp her about this.
I want to offer her more time with the kids while they are still kids, I want to make her life easier and more enjoyable while she can still enjoy it.

Is this my desire to be the good, responsible, people pleasy, pick-me, savior, nice guy again?
My GF reminded me that when I give exBPDW an inch she takes a mile.
I know this will happen.  Whatever I offer will be taken advantage of, she will assume that the door is back open and whatever she wants is free for the taking and get angry at me when I say no).
This is the whole reason I have kept my distance from exBPDw.  When she finally realized the door was closed and not opening back up again, she stopped trying.
I also still don't trust exBPDw.  I know that she hasn't changed.
She might go after me for more child support if the kids are at her house more.  I wouldn't put it past her to take my generosity and use it against me to get more money.
I also wouldn't offer to have the kids see her more often if they don't want to.  I would have to talk to them about it first.

Maybe I should just do nothing?

[Poison Ivy]

It's good that you're a nice person, but please, talk to your lawyer before giving your ex-wife any money.

[moglow]

A week or two ago the kids told me that exBPDW's health problems have returned.
What this means in practical terms is that her quality of life will likely go downhill over the next few years and apparently her doctor told her to expect to live for another 6 years...

This sounds horrible and I admit that up front but: HAVE the problems actually returned or is she possibly playing the kids? Forgive me for even thinking it, but she wouldn't be the first to stage a crisis.

Personally I'd sit back and see where this goes. IF she wants more time with the kids etc, she'll say so. She'll know she has to go through lawyers/court to make that happen. If she doesn't see that, you may have to remind her. I can appreciate your need to be the good person you are, but you still have to remember who you're dealing with here. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 

[Penny Lane]

Whoa.

Is this my desire to be the good, responsible, people pleasy, pick-me, savior, nice guy again?

Maybe I should just do nothing?

In short ... yes and yes.

I mean this in the spirit of kindness because you are clearly a good person trying to do the right thing. I think you are both overthinking this and underthinking it.

Overthinking in that you're getting way ahead of yourself. Your ex hasn't asked for these things, you haven't even heard this directly from her. And you're jumping to, how do you help her? It's not your job to help her, you don't have to proactively think about what to give up to make her life easier.

Underthinking it in the sense of, are you sure this is true? All you know right know is that she told the kids this. Whenever a PD tells us or tells someone a piece of information that makes us want to ACT or do something for them, I think that is a good sign to take a huge step back. It might be true. It might be as moglow says, a staged crisis or a manipulation.

Also underthinking it in the sense of, say you pull money out of retirement or whatever to give her 6 plus years of money all at once. Say she blows it all before she dies. Do you really think she's not going to feel entitled to more? And while we're at it, "her estate" - that's your kids, right? Do you really think the money is better spent on whatever she spends money on now, rather than to your kids after their mom passes? And I'm not so sure you would owe her estate that money, definitely check with a lawyer.

I suggest you think of it in terms of her alleged diagnosis rather than as a sure thing. And who knows - doctors are wrong sometimes. She could be given six years to live and live another 20. Or her health could take a drastic turn tomorrow. So again respectfully I think you should spend less time thinking about how to help your ex (who may be lying; who may not want your help; who may turn any offers of help against you, as you know) and use that energy on supporting your kids.

I know they don't seem affected but this is big, hard news. I would be surprised if they're not feeling any effects at all. You can work to set them now for what's to come. If they are (maybe) going to lose their mother in six years, what do they want to see happen in the meantime? This makes an already-fraught relationship more complicated for them. Counseling, if they're not already in it, is probably in order. This might or might not involve letting her have the kids more - I don't think it's a given that that's what they'll want, considering the situation at her house. I think this also means setting them up for financial success, meaning don't make any big financial moves to their mom without considering the implications for them.

Overall I would say, pause, take a deep breath. If this is six years down the line you don't have to make a decision today or this week or this month. You were married, and you share children, but you are not her support system anymore. You certainly owe her decency in this hard time (even though she wouldn't do the same for you) but not to your or the kids' detriment.

[Boat Babe]

 

[Findingmyvoice]

Thanks everyone for your replies.
You all have good points.

She did say that she wants more time with the kids, specifically our daughters because they are with me most of the time.
And she wants to do the driving when the kids are with me.
This a complete 180 from how she was acting in the summer.  She hardly saw them at all and they were supposed to be at her house 50% of the time.
Any sort of disagreement and she was texting me to pick the kids up and take them to my house.
She did not drive to pick them up or drop them off at my house once over the summer, the few times I asked her to drive she said no.
I would definitely have to talk to the girls about spending more time with her, they probably won't want to.  That's why they are with me most of the time.
I easily forget how self centered she can be and how her behavior turns on a dime.

I don't think she is faking, but I could be wrong.
When she went in for her first operation I thought she was faking.  She has had unnecessary operations in the past.
When we were still together I went with her to her appointments and the doctors told us that she should not have an operation because there was no indication that she needed one.
But I do believe that something changed after I left.  I think she did need the operation, she was actually sick.  I'm sure doctors would not put someone through chemotherapy unless they needed it.

You are right though, it's not my problem to fix.
If she needs extra money to enjoy life that's not my problem anymore.  She can get a job, ask her parents or spend differently.
If she wants to spend more time with her daughters she should put in some effort so they want to be around her.

I think that I am probably still holding on to some guilt.
I thought that I left my guilt behind. I need to stop feeling sorry for her and thinking that any of it is my fault or responsibility to fix.

[square]

Bear in mind that any 180s she does is almost certainly temporary. Even under the circumstances.

I would think very carefully about how to present "mom wants to spend more time with you" given the high likelihood that in a few weeks it'll be back to where it was. Whatever they feel about her, being told "mom wants more time with you" and then it apparently turning out to be a lie (one way to see it) ... hurts.

You might present it as a temporary thing from the outset. "Mom is processing some things and she may want to see you more while she's doing that." Note the "may" - covers the possibility it'll reverse even quicker.

[Penny Lane]

FMV, lots of good thoughts in there. It sounds like you've got your head on straight again. You're struggling with this because you're a good person and want to do right by her, even though like I said she wouldn't do the same.

I wanted to add/clarify something. She might be telling the truth, she might be manipulating, and it's not an either/or. Our BM seems pathologically incapable of NOT using something like this to try to get more than she's entitled to. It could be that the health issues are truly back - but she's exaggerating or leaving out important context or whatever, that if you knew the full context you would feel differently. Just because it's the truth, that doesn't mean it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth.