" The disguised passive aggressive attack " or PD its everywhere Pt 357

[Hazy111]

Yesterday I bumped into a sort of acquaintance in the local supermarket . I was talking idly about the empty shelves and how the prices were going up, just to make conversation.  He mumbled a reply of sorts and changed the subject and started to get really het up and started to go on about politicians from years ago and how useless and corrupt they all were and finished with " So what do YOU think about that then ! ? " and before i could mumble an answer he made his excuses and walked off.   

I was left perplexed and annoyed .  Then i thought about it later on. My talking about the empty shelves and prices had triggered him i think he took it as a personal attack on him and the Government  political party he supports (i remember him telling me  once he was a member) and  lashed out at me indirectly.

This has happened on a number of occasions with other people.  They dont attack me directly but attack a subject they think will wound me.

A phone conversation a few years ago (with  flying monkey cousin ) left me similarly annoyed . I couldnt work out why. I was telling a neighbor aquaintance ( who I now know uses the same technique) about the conversation.  I dont why i was left so annoyed. He explained . "They were having a dig at you thats all, but doing it indirectly" He knew cos he did it himself, i know to my cost.   

Then i recalled an old  work colleague/friend at the time, who on a Monday morning would really go on about how bad the soccer team  i support were, if they had lost over the weekend. He would get really abusive about them and i would sort of dread it. It was over the top and he would mock them and laugh and laugh. "Theyre really S**T , you know Hazy!" That sort of stuff. It was the same thing i realise.

My sister used to do it to me when i was younger.

Its a form of gaslighting/bullying and the  advantage to the abuser is that it has a degree of deniability about it.  If you call them out on it they deny it its about you " Youre being too sensitive, dont take it personally!" 

The guy i saw in the supermarket yesterday  i saw again today but he hadnt seen me and i thought to myself dont bother talking him. In the past i would make out nothing was wrong and go and chat but going NC and seeing PD for what it is ...... i just dont bother with these people anymore . They can take their rage out on someone else. 

[losingmyself]

This is a thing that my FIL does. Digs, not really insults, about me or my FOO, or my kids. It's all.. what do they call that? Deniability??  He was just joking, same shit, different person.
I have learned to just not talk about anything other than the weather.
I am sure that he learned it was ok to disrespect me from seeing my H do it all the time.
Anyway, the good thing is that I have learned tools to avoid, or deal with it. It is interesting when we come Out of the FOG, and the veil is lifted, and we can see people for who they are.
Years ago that interaction you had in the grocery store would have left me positive that it was all my fault, I must have said something wrong.
You're right, take that stuff somewhere else.

[Hattie]

Yeah my ex used to do this by yelling at the TV or getting into fits of road rage. I always hated it, and eventually worked out that was because it was indirectly addressed at me

[blacksheep7]

Then i recalled an old  work colleague/friend at the time, who on a Monday morning would really go on about how bad the soccer team  i support were, if they had lost over the weekend. He would get really abusive about them and i would sort of dread it. It was over the top and he would mock them and laugh and laugh. "Theyre really S**T , you know Hazy!" That sort of stuff. It was the same thing i realise.

Nice co-worker.    They just don't seem to keep their comments to themselves when they really should.  I mean, you don't have to rub it in.

I worked for a large company, highly regarded in an industry that had no competition for a long time.  When the competition finally opened, I had in laws and friends of foo make negative comments to me saying that it was about time stating everything that annoyed them, especially the prices of their goods.

Really, it wasn't my company. 
It was a very good job, put food on the table, gave me the opportunity to have a decent life and pension.
I know it's not personal but it's like they are attacking us, in other words.....you worked for them?

[Hazy111]

Then i recalled an old  work colleague/friend at the time, who on a Monday morning would really go on about how bad the soccer team  i support were, if they had lost over the weekend. He would get really abusive about them and i would sort of dread it. It was over the top and he would mock them and laugh and laugh. "Theyre really S**T , you know Hazy!" That sort of stuff. It was the same thing i realise.

Nice co-worker.    They just don't seem to keep their comments to themselves when they really should.  I mean, you don't have to rub it in.

I worked for a large company, highly regarded in an industry that had no competition for a long time.  When the competition finally opened, I had in laws and friends of foo make negative comments to me saying that it was about time stating everything that annoyed them, especially the prices of their goods.

Really, it wasn't my company. 
It was a very good job, put food on the table, gave me the opportunity to have a decent life and pension.
I know it's not personal but it's like they are attacking us, in other words.....you worked for them?

The point of it, is to be personal Blacksheep7. Its a disguised attack on you.  At best its lazy and at worst its aggressive.  A decent person would be sensitive, show some consideration . Its like saying another persons child is ugly/fat etc.

Hurt people hurt

The guy in question i used to work with, used another well known trick , not just with me . I knew covert bullies at school use it to. He would criticise somebody or pass comment on them and end it with a jokey laugh suppressed cackle. It was like Tourettes , it was instant.  As if to say "Im only joking " to stop the person retaliating. " Its born of chronic insecurity  and jealousy/envy/resentment.  PD people.

The verbal punch delivered in a velvet glove" i heard it  once called.

[Maz]

Hey,

I can relate to so much of what your saying.

My in-laws love this type of behaviour. They are a family of passive aggressive people.

My issue is passive aggressive people is they are sneaky. They insult you in an indirect way but if you address it or call it out they pretend your crazy.

It's all, it wasn't meant that way, it was only a joke, I never said it like that, it wasn't about you, that never happened.

It's completed bull crap.

If you call then out your the problem, your making trouble or being difficult. If you say nothing they can continue to insult you and make you feel like crap.

I've stopped playing the game. I know that certain people don't care for me so now I just shine a light on what's said by asking what do you mean? I will be using this tactic with my toxic in-laws this holiday.

I'm waiting to say something like, "I don't appreciate what you've just said. I feel like it's being said to make me uncomfortable. Your in my home and if it continues I will ask you to leave. I know what your doing and you know what your doing so it either stops or I will not engage with you"

It will probably get loads of negative backlash but I just can't take the crap anymore.

Not saying my approach is the most appropriate but I have a short fuse and I don't do well when people treat my like dirt. I know I don't deserve it.

[blacksheep7]

The point of it, is to be personal Blacksheep7. Its a disguised attack on you.  At best its lazy and at worst its aggressive.  A decent person would be sensitive, show some consideration . Its like saying another persons child is ugly/fat etc.

Hurt people hurt

The guy in question i used to work with, used another well known trick , not just with me . I knew covert bullies at school use it to. He would criticise somebody or pass comment on them and end it with a jokey laugh suppressed cackle. It was like Tourettes , it was instant.  As if to say "Im only joking " to stop the person retaliating. " Its born of chronic insecurity  and jealousy/envy/resentment.  PD people.

The verbal punch delivered in a velvet glove" i heard it  once called.
[/quote]


Thank you for that comment.  I do know that negative people are unhappy, jealous, envious.  Somehow I guess I didn't want to see it that way, that they were just b*tching about the company.


It makes sense since  I don't comment on my sonil and dil employers,  gouvermnet and utility services.  I could be able to make many comments but sensitive enough to not do it even though exh did.

As for your co-worker, I do see that it was personal.

The verbal punch delivered in a velvet glove" i heard it  once called. 
Never heard it.  Well put.

[doglady]

This seems like baiting or trolling behaviour to me. These people are trying to project their crap, and also hoping for a reaction, so they can then punish you for 'being too sensitive' or 'not having a sense of humour,' thus enhancing their self-image as the superior or better person.

If a person has the typical habit of pulling these manoeuvres whenever you're in their company, then it's best for you own sanity to minimise being in their presence, or move away from their presence as soon as possible. Who cares if they're not happy about that? Your feelings come first. No one needs to subject themselves to this thinly veiled abuse.

Depending on the circumstances, I also find scripts helpful. I am a person who needs scripts though, as I tend to have a freeze or fawn response, and I then beat myself up later over what I should have done or said. I'm a bit like a deer in the headlights when confronted with PDs and easily triggered into these responses due to growing up in dysfunctional family where I was the scapegoat.
My scripts therefore focus on not getting hoovered in and then getting away as soon as possible. It's what works for me but your mileage may vary.

Eg. Talk about the weather briefly, or have a few safe topics that you keep coming back to (Eg. If trapped at the ILs or they're at your house, talk about/seek advice on their gardening, cooking, interior decor or hobbies - narcs love banging on about their supposed accomplishments). The key is to never stray from your topics.

Eg. When caught in a supermarket, if you're trapped and start feeling uncomfortable, say, 'anyway, great talking to you, must go though, got a lot to do.'

Eg. If you happen to just bump into them in an aisle or in the street, don't break stride and say, 'oh, sorry, really can't stop, running late.' And keep walking!! Never stop to talk. And don't let them stop you. It's a trap!

Eg. When someone plays the I'm Only Joking card, you can stare at them blankly and say, 'But jokes are supposed to be funny' or 'I don't get it.' Do not smile or show any facial expression. This is what they want. Asking them what they mean can also be attempted, but I find PDs are usually not interested in making anything clear - they thrive on creating chaos - so that one doesn't personally work for me.

I also pretend I simply don't see people when I'm out and about. I look at my phone, peer though my glasses at produce prices, and generally look preoccupied. Unless someone is really committed to getting up in my face, these strategies seems to work quite well.

These are all MC/grey rock techniques. It's all about minimising the impact and time spent with PDs/difficult people. We may not be able to totally avoid them (unless we become hermits!) but we can definitely have our strategies ready to go. 

[Hazy111]

Thanks Doglady for your advice, i know how to deal with these people.... it just amazes me how often i come across it still. That why im of the opinion PD is so common

Freeze/Fawn response  Youve read it to!    An excellent book.