Making Changes and Moving Forward

[Fae Greenwood]

I stopped posting because I realized that I was venting but not changing anything. I did develop the list of 3 things that will trigger me filing for divorce but other than that I was stuck. So I've made some important changes.

First, my obesity was part of the trap of my marriage. I tried for 20 years to take off the weight but that didn't work. I was afraid that I'd develop diabetes or other weight-related issues and be alone. 4 months ago I contacted a center for bariatric surgery, began preparations,  and 2 weeks ago I had gastric sleeve surgery. I had it performed by an excellent center in Mexico and traveled alone for the procedure. Of course initially I wanted uNPDh to go with me and he agreed, then he had one weird demand after another until I told him I'd go alone (many patients do). And I was fine. There was not a single moment when I wished he was there because he would have made things harder for me. So I'm moving forward on that. Then he blamed me for making him feel bad when I left because I was going alone.   

Second was the obligation sex. One memorable post was worsened by my panic at bible study because I'd have to go home and perform and I had a meltdown. Every time away from him had to be paid for. I was his wife and so it was my duty. That's over. We've been intimate no more than 3 times in 6 months and as far as I'm concerned I will never have sex again with him or anyone else unless I want it. It's been like awakening from a nightmare. I'm still going his laundry (mostly from self-preservation) and cooking for him as it costs me little and keeps him quiet.

Third is that I've made a point to be as honest as I can be. That is sadly not completely honest as he cannot take that and I don't want to be punished back into silence. At the beginning of April after I had a HUGE meltdown at him for the first time in nearly 20 years that he's horrible to live with and makes life harder for me, he asked the next day to know what was going on. It was one of those rational moments that make you believe he'll change but of course he won't. The short version is that I told him calmly that I've acknowledged for nearly 12 years that his behavior towards me is consistent with irritation and mild dislike and not love, liking, or even politeness, that I've been desperately unhappy for 12 years, that I stayed so that the kids would have college without debt or because one was getting married or having a baby or having another crisis,  that our marriage was a structure built over time as a prominent feature in our adult childrens' lives that I had been trying to save, and that I was deeply angry that I'd been carefully deliberate with my actions towards him and he'd not valued it at all. I made it about him, his actions, his feelings, his life as much as possible as I didn't want to be told that my feelings were wrong and needed to be changed so that everything would be fixed. I also told him that my sexual desire had dried up largely because he'd made me responsible for his sexuality as well as my own and that 2 clear requests for changes by him were rejected. (I won't get into details.) He was quiet. We went to bed. It meant nothing as the next night he threw out a casual "Can we have sex tonight?" But I did tell him clearly what was happening in our marriage. Since then I've occasionally referred to that conversation. He screams things at me then acts like words were never said and likely thinks my words were a version of that but I have been careful in what I've said and done to him as I wanted to bring my best to the marriage and ended up doing his portion as well as my own. Perhaps that is the best description of a being married to a narcissist.

My 3 Things list for leaving is :
1) That our long-term rental tenant leave. I would move there and file. I don't want this house as the memories are bad. Also I sometimes care for my 2 young grandchildren and I'll be able to do so easier from that location. My tenant has lived there for 25 years and is in her late 70's and I don't want to evict her unless I have no choice.
2) He loses his job. He is good at what he does but he has the grandiosity that has driven him from his last three jobs and I doubt he'll last another 2 years in this one. (Just for fun, his company's owner recently bought a new acquisition for $50M+. My uNPDh is convinced that, even without experience in operations or as a General Manager at all, he will be given this new acquisition to run as he pleases if the existing management doesn't stay. He's currently plotting how to obtain an ownership percentage. I've told him that he once managed 1 department of 12 people and he's not being given this company and so I am now unsupportive. Also he's whining that no one respects him at work.)  I am nearly 61 and he's 62. The major financial obstacle for me is health care. Since he'd likely retire early if he is unemployed, then I may as well go right then.
3) I turn 65 and qualify for Medicare.
I've been clearing out the garage and disposing of other excess items to quietly prepare. Because I'm fully vaccinated and restrictions are lifting, I'm also able to get out occasionally and that has helped reduce the pressure as well.

Even though I'm not posting, I am inspired by you all and thank you for sharing. It really does make a difference knowing I'm not alone and not crazy.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh Fae! You sound so clear sighted and strong.  Congratulations! I wish you strength and affirming experiences on your path. How wonderful and inspiring that you are sharing this with us. Please keep us posted on your progress.

[1footouttadefog]

You might look into the imsirance exchanges that were set up as part of the affordable care act.  A friend of mine was surprised that she qualified for an affordable health care option if she became single.

Many community colleges offer seniors (over 55 or 60 in many cases) , the opportunity to take classes for free or reduced cost. Taking a class in something you have an interest in migh qualify you to buy into a student health policy. They are usually affordable group policies because of the age of the majority in the group.

I once took volley ball and another time art so I could be enrolled for insurance and other benefits when I was younger.  Being enrolled also gave me access to fitness center, swimming pool and racquet ball courts. 

Your description of giving more and doing it all being a marriage to a narc is very relatable.

I hope the renter has a wonderful life change that requires her to not renew her lease. 

[Gettintired76]

Not trying to hyjack Fae but I have say, reading your post was very difficult for me as I have lived that same nightmare almost verbatim for 15 yrs.  I just recently was given no choice but to leave the relationship. So, I was very umprepared, no job, no house, no car, no license. While I have to see her living "la vida loca" moving into a 4 bedroom house her "lover"buys her jewelry buys all kinds of stuff for my kids bought her a car. And she calls me to remind me how worthless I am and he is a better father then me and I should be ashamed to let another man support my children.I'm a landscaper that has only been laid off a week and a half for the season early due to the delta variant ( it wiped out our shop). Up until then I or my family had bought all the food , clothes, cleaning supplies, and hygiene products among other things. She bought literally over a $1000 dollars in junk each paycheck. Damn sorry fae I really didn't mean to hyjack, It's awesome you have plans in place and really do hope you can get out soon.