Acting perfect for other people’s benefit

[Maz]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and it drives me crazy.

My Dh acts differently when people are around especially his foo.

He says and does things that give him credit or make him look good but they aren't genuine or even true.

An example would be we would argue about something silly like DIY and him not helping me out even after asking repeatedly. He'd give me excuses and the wait. He'd say something like, "I'm going to fo the xyz DIY but have been so busy cooking and cleaning that I ran out of time" he.'d then add on something like " I'm so sorry I ran out of time, I promise I'll do it tonight" this would be ridiculous because it would be late. And none of it is true because he has no intention of doing it.

He does in in front of foo so they feel sorry for him.

We've spoke about it a lot and he admits he wants their attention so does it for this reason.

I've explained that every time he says things that aren't true like this it makes me look bad.

He still does it and it feels manipulative.

The DIY is just one example but he constantly does it about anything and takes credit for things that I've done but doesn't put people straight.

I just wanted other people's opinion on this. Am I being sensitive or is this a thing.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

You're not being sensitive.

My uPDH does this behind my back not when I'm in the room. I'm really surprised he told you straight that he does it for attention. What he didn't say is there is actually the additional benefit of controlling you, because I doubt you would call him out on it in front of other people.

[Maz]

Hey justanotherlostgirl,

Your exactly right. I don't call him out on it in front of people because I don't want to be the bad guy all the time.

He's done this for years and years and he gets to look like the perfect guy when I'm constantly being thrown under the bus.

It's very passive aggressive. He is a passive aggressive person so it comes naturally I think.

I'd never really thought of it as control but your right it is.

Most of all it's really hurting and feels deceitful.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

Hey justanotherlostgirl,

Your exactly right. I don't call him out on it in front of people because I don't want to be the bad guy all the time.

He's done this for years and years and he gets to look like the perfect guy when I'm constantly being thrown under the bus.

It's very passive aggressive. He is a passive aggressive person so it comes naturally I think.

I'd never really thought of it as control but your right it is.

Most of all it's really hurting and feels deceitful.

Yes, of course it hurts. We're normal people and it's hard for us to understand how someone could fo this to someone else - and someone they claim to love at that. The toolbox really helps with distancing yourself from their behaviors, but at the end of the day, it still hurts. Is this a relationship you've committed to working on? If not, it would probably be best to leave. We know that PD's can't really change their behavior, because they see nothing wrong with it. Only maybe extensive therapy could help them, but most reject it.

I'm sorry for your situation. You aren't alone here. We all understand just how hard this is. Big hugs.

[Call Me Cordelia]

What if you did set the record straight in front of other people? "I promise I'll do it tonight!!!" "Oh, don't be silly, I know there's no way it's going to get done today. Did you enjoy your golf game this morning?" 

This doesn't sound like acting perfect, this sounds like classic martyr pose to me. My mother would do this. The house was just so much to manage all by herself. Her poor children have just so much on their plates, and her husband too. So it's all down to me. The real story is she watched about five hours of television a day, she wouldn't allow anyone else to do anything because it wouldn't be to her impossible standards, and she's the one running us kids ragged with activities and pressure to achieve top grades in everything. Poor mom.