I've realized that I need to let go

Started by Jsinjin, October 11, 2021, 09:18:11 PM

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Jsinjin

I've been on here for years.   After so much time I've realized that my enemy is actually hope that things will change.  They won't.   I have spent my whole life successful in all things but relationships.   I've realized in watching friends marriages fail, people be unhappy, chances being taken and trying to raise children that you either commit to the future with people you associate with and get lucky or you endlessly walk away hoping things will be better somewhere else.  I've spent the last couple of months settling into a melancholy numbness.  I no longer have self harm thoughts but I also don't let things bother me.   Sometimes I got for days without speaking to her.   I've dropped all friends who tell me to leave because whether fear, obligation or guilt, I can't deal with that in my future.   I work two major jobs, manage a team of over 50 people at a multinational, I want to watch my kids compete in their athletics and in my small spare time I like to read.  I don't have time to put together a plan to leave her and I don't want to be depressed anymore about the enormity of the stigma of leaving and dealing with church, her and all the questions and problems.  I bought a building in another state and it has an apartment upstairs that I can see the mountains from.  I can spend all the time I want without her and retire at any time.   I don't care that she doesn't live me and doesnt like to spend time with me.   I can be resigned to a life of time away from her and not worry about a companion.   I can make friends and babe a place without her boarding and just exist.   I don't need to take the abuse but I also don't need any more random attempts at leaving that fail.   I'm tired.  I'm 50, I want to retire and not deal with drama and just solve problems.

I'm through with trying to rationalize things: she has OCPD and I have asperger's.   We chose each other because before us we were the only people who didn't leave the other while dating in high school or college.   

I'm stopping because the hope is what depresses me the most. 

Thank you for the help Out of the FOG and I appreciate all the positivity and help during a dark part of my life.   I am not giving up just choosing a different path.

It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

square

Hope dies hard.

I'm optimistic by nature. So it was a real struggle.

I can't say I'm happier for having killed off the hope. (Which is mostly dead but I still seem to hope for lower stress days nonetheless, sigh). What it did was smooth the emotional rollercoaster. Instead of relief and hope followed by crashes of total despair, it's a more even keeled hopeless numb state. I really don't tolerate emotional swings well.

Jsinjin, I too would love to just kind of seperate withoit necessarily divorcing. I'm fine with divorcing but I think the blowback would be less if we just pretended it was just... you know, living closer to work (in your case) or helping my mom out (in my case) or whatever. I'm not going to remarry or date so I just don't care, I just want some peace.

SonofThunder

Jsinjin, i wish you the very best on your fresh decision of a new path.  We comrades will still be here with a listening, thoughtful and caring ear at Out of the FOG, should you decide to drop back in for an update.  Enjoy your peaceful mountain view when those opportunities arise and try to always remember you are not alone in your experiences. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Jsinjin

Quote from: square on October 11, 2021, 10:38:20 PM
I just want some peace.

That's what I want most of all.  To wake up with normal struggles and no manufactured drama.   Just know that "today I have work and problem solving and expectations and if a real emergency happens I'll deal with it the best way I can".   I'm exhausted from day in and day out explosions and hyper concerns of external factors.   I can't take the worry and explosion of a misplaced Tupperware lid; there is no way I can handle months or years of divorce proceedings.  I pray a lot that she will disappear but she is ever constant.   
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

Kat54

Best of luck Jsinjin. A new path toward peace In whatever way you can achieve it. A beautiful view of the mountains sounds peaceful. You can stay in a marriage and learn to co exist or lead separate lives, it's a different path or experience for everyone.
Remember we are always here for you if you need an ear.