Seniors disregarding safety and taking health risks

[Sneezy]

I am starting a bit of a tangent post here based on Pepin's latest post.

My mom (covert NPD) has very weak legs and significant knee pain.  And so she is having neural ablation done on her knees.  I have agreed to take her to all four (!!!) of her appointments.  During the first two, the doctor will use a neural block on the nerves.  The idea is that if this reduces her knee pain, then the nerves will get ablated (burned away) during two subsequent procedures.

So the first procedure was last week, which took up most of the day between picking her up and then bringing her back to my house for dinner and making sure she felt well enough to go back to her apartment.  According to the doctor, mom would have a little pain where the injections went in, but the idea was for her to be up and around and doing normal activities the next day in order to see how much pain relief she had.  Instead, mom completely did the opposite.  She had her male friend, Sam, pushing her around in a wheelchair.  She had her meals delivered.  She basically did nothing but moan and complain about all the pain she was in.  I explained to her that if she was in so much pain, the neural block clearly hadn't worked and so we should cancel the rest of the procedures as this wasn't the answer.  That made her completely change her tune and she now claims her knees are so much better.

I don't know what to believe.  I've tried explaining the procedures to her.  I've explained that pain relief does not equal stronger legs and she will need to get physical therapy and really work on strengthening her legs.  But she lies and tells me that her insurance won't cover PT or her doctor doesn't want her to get PT.  The doctor can say one thing in front of both of us, and mom will lie about it as if I wasn't in the room and didn't hear what he said.  It is so infuriating.

I have concluded that Mom doesn't want to feel better.  She wants to be in pain because she wants the attention.  She wants to have procedures done so that everyone feels sorry for her and makes a big deal about her.  She doesn't want to actually feel better because 1. she won't get attention and 2. she might actually have to do some work (PT, exercise, etc.) and take responsibility for getting some strength back.

I'm just at the end of my rope right now.  The constant complaining, moaning, lying, lack of ownership for her own health, black hole pit of despair is exhausting.  I know the best thing is to ignore it and practice my medium chill.  But I am worried that she is going to end up with more serious issues if she continues to take stupid risks with her health.  I have told her that regardless of what her doctor supposedly says (and I don't believe for a minute that her doctor told her this), my rule is that I will no longer take her anywhere without her walker.  I realize all I can do is set rules/boundaries for me.  But it is maddening that her dumb decisions could very well end up impacting how much time and energy I will have to spend in the future.

[Andeza]

"I have concluded that Mom doesn't want to feel better." Oh heavens, I lived with that mentality from my uBPDm for waaaay too long. They want the opportunity to waif, and they will find it or make it up whenever possible! Waif are the proverbial squeaky wheel that gets oiled, after all.

"But I am worried that she is going to end up with more serious issues if she continues to take stupid risks with her health." I don't have anything encouraging to say about that, except that you have accurately predicted the future. Yeah, I know, it's not the desired outcome, but it is the inevitable outcome. And, Sneezy, I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a commiserating pat on the should kind of way.  UBPDm, when we were still speaking before NC, had fallen repeatedly in my childhood home but refused to tell the doctor that she was having these vertigo issues upon first standing up. It could be as simple as a dang clogged ear, because she is a habitual q-tip user and not in a good way, but she would rather fall over and over and use that as a way to get sympathy from me and others in the family. I talked her into buying one of those stability canes eventually. So she reported that she fell again after that and I asked "Were you using your cane?" "Oh, no, I wasn't. I was just sitting down for a few minutes and didn't need it!" Yes, clearly falling on her face in the floor means she didn't need it.

As hard as it is, you have to let come what may in a sense. I encourage you to take some breaks. Call her a taxi or an Uber for a few trips so you don't have to be hands on with every little thing. Because they are going to multiply for the foreseeable future. Also, you M isn't great at the gaslighting game is she? That's what she's doing when she lies to your face about what the doctor told you both. I get it, as I heard it too, but I never let uBPDm get away with it. Gaslighting was my hill to die on. I gritted my teeth and did battle with it every time it raised its ugly head, and she never stopped. Mine was also very low-functioning in that regard, as she always assumed I wouldn't remember the actual events as they happened. Makes it easy to spot, but dang! It's so annoying.

Have you taken time for yourself this week? A nice bath, a good book, something else that you find calming and restorative?

[Sneezy]

Thanks Andeza!  I am taking some time for myself and trying to practice self-care.

It's interesting that you mention gaslighting.  I think my mom used to be quite good at gaslighting and lying.  As she gets older and more forgetful, she is not nearly as good at it.  However, I also don't think she realizes that she isn't as good at it any longer.  So she just keeps saying more and more outrageous things and expecting everyone to believe her.  It's infuriating, but also sad.  I mean, 10 years ago I might have believed her if she said her doctor didn't want her to use a walker.  At age 70, a doctor might very well want someone to keep using their legs and strengthening them as much as possible.  But in her 80s?  No way in the world a doctor would tell someone with no leg strength and terrible balance issues not to use a walker.  But that's what mom says and she thinks we all believe her when she says it 

[Poison Ivy]

The refusal to engage in physical therapy is very frustrating. My mom has had two joint replacements, and in both cases, she refused to do PT before the surgery (she did do it afterward). Not that I agree with everything my physician and other health-care workers tell me to do, but I would be embarrassed to insist on surgery or another invasive procedure while refusing to do a free, noninvasive thing such as PT.

[11JB68]

 
Your (assuming) elderly parents sound a lot like my Updh .... Who is NOT elderly....

[Sneezy]

Poison Ivy - I'm with you.  Give me PT, let me do some restorative yoga, maybe have some massages.  There are many things I would try before surgery.  Unfortunately, things like PT are slow, repetitive, boring, and take a lot of work.  The results come in tiny increments.  PT is simply not dramatic enough for my mom.  She wants maximum attention for minimum effort.

11JB68 - Good point.  My mom has been disregarding her safety and her health for most of her adult life.  She made some very bad health decisions when she was younger, too.  I guess it has become a bigger issue for me now that she's older, because her health is getting progressively worse and minor things can become major things very quickly.  Her biggest risk is falling and yet she does absolutely nothing to reduce that risk and actually seems to enjoy "getting away with" not using her walker or even her cane.  It's not a game, though.  If she falls, she will likely end up in rehab and then a nursing home.   

I suppose the only thing I can do is set my boundaries and then handle things as they come up (with my boundaries firmly in place).

[Andeza]

Oh good, I'm glad to hear you're looking out for yourself, Sneezy. I forget who I was listening to, but they suggested as you plan your day to have one "me" thing every day that you do just for yourself. I'm not very good at it yet...

Aging Pds are... not pretty nor graceful. I always envision the line from the poem "Rage, rage against the dying of the light," with an alternative meaning and associate it with the aging process for pwPDs. They're raging against growing older and moving toward that eventual outcome we all face, and they're doing it spectacularly horribly while hurting and burdening anybody who gives a darn about them. It's so wrong.

About the gaslighting, lol. Mine was never good at it! Ever! That's why I assume she's always been low-functioning, but with a very high opinion of herself of course. Or perhaps it's just because she was older when I came along and therefore she was already a little... eh, forgetful let's say. Can't keep things straight, or factual for that matter.

I also agree with Poison Ivy. I'd be busting my butt doing everything and anything other than going near an operating table. But then, I am ridiculously afraid of doctors and hospitals. It's so bad I opted for home birth for my kids. But, a surgery is milkable. You can drag that out for weeks, months maybe! Turn on the waif voice and whimper that it hurts even though they're completely healed up and fully released by their doctors for normal activity. Oh, but didn't you hear? The surgery must not have been successful, because it still hurts, and now, surely, they need another! (When really it hurts because they didn't do their PT and now the tendons and ligaments are angry) Drama, drama, drama, blah blah blah.

We've seen this song and dance before haven't we?

[square]

This makes me wonder again about how PDs are detached from reality.

I just see over and over that many just don't get how the world fundamentally works. They have a magical thinking mindset rather than an understanding of basic cause and effect.

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to the idea they loose the ability to keep up the gas lighting effectively

I see this with my pdh.  He cannot track and his lies are more like those of a toddler.  Very easy to see through a lot of the time.

I knew a woman who was very proud and thought she was still stylish despite being a Nona genarians. She would fall and injure herself because she insisted in continuing to where high heals.  She should have been in orthopedic shoes with a walker but staggered around in heals.  She eventually fell off a curb and broke her hip, collar bone, ribs, arm and bruised her self up and got blood clots etc. She ended up in a nursing home for rehab and never made it out.

I guess some would applaud her for doing it her way until the end.

Human dignity often means having the right to chose even of you don't chose best.

[Sneezy]

I just see over and over that many just don't get how the world fundamentally works.

My mom thinks that if she says something, that makes it true.  I think she believes her own lies.  For example, if she says "the doctor doesn't want me to use my walker," then that IS exactly what the doctor said.  It's true because mom says it's true.  And there can't possibly be any downsides to not using her walker, because she is following doctor's orders.

I guess some would applaud her for doing it her way until the end.
Human dignity often means having the right to chose even of you don't chose best.

I agree with this.  Being an adult means you get to make your own choices.  Where I need to draw the line, though, is that adults also have to accept the consequences of their choices.  So if my mom chooses not to use her walker and she then falls, she can't expect that I will move her in with me and be her care-giver.  She will have to accept the consequences of moving into (and paying for) a nursing home.  This is where I think it breaks down with a lot of people.  They want to make their own choices in life, as they should.  But then they want to cry and complain, non-stop, when things don't turn out the way they wanted/expected them to.

So where does this lead me?  Well, I have to accept that my mom is an adult and she gets to make her own choices.  But I get to set a boundary that says I don't have to listen to her complain about her choices for hours on end.  I can give my opinion if she asks, but for the most part, medium chill is my best friend in these circumstances.  And if things turn out badly for mom, then I also have to let her accept the consequences of her actions.  Of course I will be sympathetic.  I can help her sort out options and find care if she needs it.  But it's not my responsibility to be her caregiver and take on the responsibility of fixing things for her.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with you, Sneezy.