Approaching the Year Anniversary of No Contact

[Hepatica]

I haven't been around much but I drop in and out and read posts and find them very helpful, so thank you.

After a few years of minimal contact, I went fully no contact last autumn, maybe even around this date. It was a last straw, emotional thing where I finally felt more angry than sad and guilty. Anger, I realize now, is not at all a bad feeling. It is definitely a protective mechanism and I'm glad that I finally felt it and made the very difficult decision to go no contact.

I am not sure if the circling round to this time of year is bringing on the grief but I assume it probably is the case, as I'm pretty down this week. As well, I had a mammogram last Thursday and I've had pain in the breast, so in the machine it hurt so much, I started crying. The mammographer was in a terrible mood, or maybe she is just like that all the time. When I cried, she looked at me impatiently and said, "You okay?" Her eyes were not kind, they looked annoyed and she had been curt with me right from the moment I arrived. I totally dissociated afterward. I couldn't find my way out of the underground parking lot, meaning I didn't know how to pay the machine and kept dropping my credit card. When I got home I didn't speak for an hour and since then, five days later, I'm totally, utterly depressed.

I don't know if it's my body and soul processing the past year? I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm taking all my meds, but still sad and doubting myself. I feel like the villain of the family and that I should make up with everybody. The doubt is strong. Sounds like a Star Wars line.   

My sister has ALL the family on her side. It seems anyway. And some periphery family members are no longer talking to me. I wonder if it's because they feel uncomfortable or what the deal is.

I need badly to build up a new family of choice and I vascillate back and forth about moving to another province. I wish to God I'd never moved back to the city where my FOO live. It's too small and I feel so fragile lately. If I had the distance I'd weather this better, I know it.

What are the good things? I no longer see the pain my mother is in, or her yelling, shaming behaviour toward my father. I no longer see my father's snide expressions, or have to take his accusations that I am "crazy" or witness his hoarding or witness my mother's gambling or listen to my father tell me that I need to fall in line for the sake of family. I also no longer need to listen to my sister waif the night away about everything and watch her do her dramatic dizzy spells and then try to schedule me to sell off all of my father's junk, saying she's in too much pain to do it. I no longer need to listen to her talk about how unhappy she is, and in the next breath tell me it is a true miracle that she holds no bad feelings toward my unhealthy, unhappy, toxic parents.

But I don't have a FOO and I guess that really hurts, regardless. It's the hardest part of this and also feeling like people perceive you as the villain, when all you're trying to do is save yourself and begin to feel joy.

[SunnyMeadow]

But I don't have a FOO and I guess that really hurts, regardless. It's the hardest part of this and also feeling like people perceive you as the villain, when all you're trying to do is save yourself and begin to feel joy.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this Hepatica. I understand about feeling like the villain, especially when the PD parents are getting up there in age. I always feel like people are going to think I'm awful to walk away from my elderly parents.

But it's all about protecting yourself because they surely aren't concerned about your best interests. I say if you can move, do it. It's not the easiest thing to do but it will give you breathing room and a change of scenery. You won't have to worry about seeing them or others in town either. If you move there's a good chance you can build some new friendships and they may become your FOC. I moved and now have a few good friends and I look forward to hanging out with them. They don't cause chaos and drama, it's so nice.

I think about my extended family continuing to live life all together while I'm on the sidelines. But then I remember what life was like with them. They wouldn't hesitate to backstab anyone even the ones they LOVE. They weren't that great but they were familiar. I'm better off alone than worrying about what gossip is going around day after day, who's in and who's out.

[Hepatica]

SunnyMeadow, thank you. It's good for me to see your point of view. I've been caught up in the spider web of the family here for far too long.  You are exactly right whey you say they don't have my best interest. Have they ever? I don't think so, although they'd disagree. As long as they offered the roof, bedroom and meals that was enough for them and I am expected to pay for that for the rest of my life, I guess - in their mind anyway.

I bet this is true for many, if not most of us here. If we 'waken' and become a threat to them, life becomes nearly impossible unless we back away.  I just have to trust that I will find friends and a good life in the place that I move to, which means also healing the discomfort that comes from the old trauma. I have to trust that things do not have to always be the way they are currently. They can get better.

[Unknown]

Anger, I realize now, is not at all a bad feeling. It is definitely a protective mechanism and I'm glad that I finally felt it and made the very difficult decision to go no contact.

I don't know if it's my body and soul processing the past year? I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm taking all my meds, but still sad and doubting myself. I feel like the villain of the family and that I should make up with everybody. The doubt is strong.
My sister has ALL the family on her side.... And some periphery family members are no longer talking to me. I wonder if it's because they feel uncomfortable or what the deal is.

I need badly to build up a new family of choice

But I don't have a FOO and I guess that really hurts, regardless. It's the hardest part of this and also feeling like people perceive you as the villain, when all you're trying to do is save yourself and begin to feel joy.

Hepatica,
I completely commiserate with you. I can honestly say I understand this NC depression/sadness/anger/the whole host of emotions that come up. Going on 3 years NC is certainly a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I, too, am free from the toxicity of my FOO - the gaslighting, the manipulation, the 'games' they played false image, projection, envy, denial, never apologizing, never being held accountable, the lack of boundaries, emotional invalidation, and coercion, the covert abuse including minimizing my needs, or downright devaluing me and using me only for what THEY want or need. I never felt loved or known, only used. (Hence my pseudonym Unknown because that is how I felt in my FOO).
On the other hand, it is terribly lonely. My FOC have literally no one except each other. It makes life very lonely and isolated knowing there is nobody you can call, talk to or spend time with.
I am going through that right now; it seems like it comes in cycles, I've noticed I feel sadder when the seasons change like this time of year. I guess it is a tangible reminder of change, looking outside, yet on the inside, things remain the same, still lonely and trying to make it through.

Your excerpted quotes above are exactly how I have felt and still feel. My FOO - and extended FOO have basically stopped reaching out. I can viscerally "feel" them siding with my FOO. We have no one left. It is added hurt to the hurt I feel already. This stonewalling is a way to make us FEEL guilty and the "villain" and, if we let it, it certainly does. But when I start asking these questions that create doubt, I remind myself that I did nothing wrong but to defend myself and stand up for what is right. I bring to mind the truth of what caused the NC- and it makes me reassured and the doubt ebbs away. Some days I am still really angry. Some days I am just really sad. I think both feelings are perfectly OK.

People have always said on this forum that with effort, and time, new, healthy friends will come along to take the sting out of losing a FOO. I am still hoping for that to happen. I think the "sting" will always be there because it is so unnatural,  but there are ways to live happily, in spite of it. However, despite trying to meet and befriend new people/acquaintences to date, I have struck out.
I think at my age, (upper 40's) people have a "full plate" and don't seem to need or want "new friends" - at least that's been my experience. COVID still makes things really challenging.  I keep on the look- out though. And remain hopeful.
I want to encourage you to just feel what you feel- and roll with it- there will continue to be ups and downs- but overall, I think NC is healing and I don't regret it. Take care of yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That's what makes me keep going. That's all you can do. One day at a time.

[Hepatica]

Unknown, I'm so sorry that you're going through this as well, and I offer my condolences to anyone reading this who is struggling. I think you're right, Unknown, that Covid has layered on the extra challenge that comes with the loneliness of this life choice. I can no longer attend my yoga classes in person and I used to go to zumba three times a week. Just the feeling of being around people kept me more grounded.

The other part of this that I find a struggle is that I am pretty sure that I have C-PTSD. I fit all of the criteria and my therapist says that I do. For me, that means I isolate normally anyway. But I've done much more of that in the past eight years. Things seemed to ramp up in my late forties, with my uNPDmother falling ill, and I was so shaken by all that erupted, I hid away, sort of licking my wounds. The world political situation too, added these strange divides in my family and in all of this, I've fallen on the other side, making totally different choices than my family of origin. I'm a total pariah.

I need to find my people. I know this. Luckily my Dh has applied for employment in his field in two different provinces - ones on either end of the country. I dream of being near the ocean. I lived on it once before, for years, and then moved back to my hometown. I don't advise anyone who is reading this, who is unsure of what is going on in their family, and is on the fence about whether there are PD's involved, to move back to their hometown and be close their dysfunctional FOO if they have already moved away. Don't think things will have improved. Distance from PD is an incredible buffer from the pain.

I don't love the idea of moving but I am going to have to make the big decision to love myself better and do it. Being near to them I often think that I "feel" their energy, and the truth is I could run into them at anytime and this makes me tense.

It's time for a more harmonious next stage of life for me and for anyone who is feeling the way I am feeling.

[moglow]

Hepatica, I'm sorry your hurting, mourning really is what I feel here. I try look at the process as waves of the ocean, where sometimes theyre stormy and knock us flat, others it's smooth calm and even soothing. [I live near the beach and have always been a water baby, so it helps me to reframe that way.] It's my happy place, even when I'm not sitting right there on it. I grew up 50 or so miles inland, always loved those getaways to the shore, so when life flipped me over like a turtle 15+ years back and I was offered an opportunity to truly start over I took it. Ironically enough my mother had also offered me a home at the time, and I knew I just couldn't do it. Even then in a time of desperation, I knew that wasn't where I was supposed to be, that I'd end up regretting it. Kind of like where you are now - sometimes change BIG change can be a really good thing, give us perspective we didn't have while sitting there on top of everything. So ... think about it, what that might do for you and your daily life. Pain in the butt as the actual move and rehoming is, it does have a way of flipping things around when we allow it!

This sounds trite, and I don't mean it to be at all - but we talk about losing our FOO, not having FOO, being ostracized by Foo. Is that honestly a bad thing? Is it possible that nothing *with them* has changed at all but our blinders are off and filters aren't what they used to be? More to the point - what did they/those relationships add to your life? What did they take away?

My older brother and I were never close growing up, but when my life imploded as mentioned above he's the one i reached out to. We've since [more often in the past two years] had several conversations about mother, her family [she's the sole survivor of her own FOO] and how we grew up. Anyhoo, one day we were talking and I was all in a dither about what mother's supposedly "telling people." My brother gave me a hard look and spun that around on me - when were any of those people there for you when you needed them? To your knowledge did any of them intervene when they know you/we were being abused? Did they step up and give you an escape from her? When's the last time any of them showed any interest in you at all?? [Harsh, but necessary.]

I was vaporlocked for a minute or two "But but but ..." then it hit me. They'd *never* been there for me that I can recall on any level. They talked to me at family gatherings, passed down their daughter's clothes from time to time, we had rare and random visits to their houses [they'd all long since moved rather far away - should have noticed that!]. But no. I didn't / still don't have any phone numbers or addresses and presumably they didn't have mine either. I never heard from them, NONE of them for many years, and now the aunts and uncles are all gone, cousins scattered to the winds. Looked at from that perspective has helped me, painful as it was at the time. I haven't lost anything I actually had, other than a whole heap of spite and negativity. Yes, I wanted better but they didn't have it in them - so how's that a loss??

Grief takes its own path and its own time. I still believe it's better than the repeat pain of disappointments and abuse. Know that I'm sitting with you, maybe brewing a cuppa my fave tea or your fave coffee, maybe with a little sumthin sumthin to nibble on. Hell, maybe we'll sit on the beach with a bottle of something else and just breath quietly. Until I do something stupid and we find laughter again!
Peace :huh:

[Hepatica]

moglow, wow.
i'm speechless (wordless.) thank you. what a nice image, sitting on that beach with you with breath, bottle, laughter.

[MarlenaEve]

Hi Hepatica.

I'm here with you. I know the feeling of being a 'villain' after NC. Boy, I had it too when I was NC for 4 years. That's probably why I went back to them. I felt too bad about myself, too guilty. Therapy probably helps with that.
Just wanted to pop in and tell you how much I understand and empathise with how you feel.

Hang in there!

[moglow]

Hepatica, acceptance is hard won. It - like no contact - isn't a goal but a process. It's fluid like those waves I mentioned earlier.

I don't know how old you are, but for me this process has been going on for over 40 years. Putting it down, walking away from mother and "her stuff" hasn't been easy, but it's necessary. I can't think of one way it served me to hold on to her and the hope I could somehow magically change that relationship. Mother simply wasn't and isn't interested - and now, neither am I. All that stuff I packed away inside and shoved down doesn't weigh near as much as it used to, and I'm glad. I want the same for you, whether they're in your life or not.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hepatica, I think you have gotten great replies but just wanted to extend my support. 
   
First, I hope the current medical aspects turn out alright. I think under the best circumstances such a test is an anxiety-filled event. Sometimes, a good cry is a great response to it. Good for you for taking care of your health though. 

I think approaching such an anniversary can certainly make us reflect. I did not sense that you were questioning or wavering the NC, but instead feeling grief and recognizing loss. I think that would be normal. Sometimes I wonder though, what exactly did we lose?  For me, just having people to be around is not what made my life good. What made my life good is the way the people in my life made me feel about who I was as a person. I think that regardless of whether my FOO is present in my life or not, the missing pieces are still there. The same loss exists either way.         
   
I totally get feeling the unfairness of being perceived as a villain, too. Especially when nobody would see that such a move was an act of self-rescue. I wonder if learning to manage these feelings is just part of the journey. Please be kind to yourself. If it helps at all, you are not alone.   

[Hilltop]

Hepatica I hope you are feeling better.  The grief does have a way of coming back when you least expect it.  I think at certain times I am reminded that other people have nice supportive loving families and I grieve what I don't have, its a disappointment.

One thing that stood out was you wrote that you dream of living near the ocean.  I would encourage your DH to continue applying for positions near the ocean and fingers crossed that works out for you.  Moving is hectic but once you settle down and have that distance between yourself and your family hopefully you will begin to breathe again.  I've just moved myself and I miss a few friends however I can go back and see them.  I am still settling in.  I do feel better knowing that I am far enough away that visiting my parents or seeing them locally cannot happen easily.  For me I don't plan on seeing them much at all.

I was also painted as the villain in the family, the one to blame.  I have since rejected that term.  It was given unfairly.  It was given after lots of gossip some of which wasn't even true, given by family who simply don't care about me at all and aren't even that nice, not just to me but others as well.  That's the thing isn't it, the game is rigged, its unfair.  Our family can say anything, paint any picture they want which is why I was happy to walk away.  Its a game I can never win, they enjoy the gossip, they have never really cared for me so what is there to salvage.  The last time I saw one of my cousins she just kept going on about her brother my other cousin.  It was really obvious and over the top about how great he is and how well he is doing.  I just thought to myself, ok what has been said about him to my cousin, what have they said that I've said which isn't even true, I now recognise the game that I have seen played out before.  It was the last time I saw her.

My sister is the same in our family, she is the extrovert so she is charming and nice and the rest of the family still put time in with her but part of that is because there has been no gossip or untruths told about her, she is accepted.   Its hard to accept the unfairness of it.

The disappointment and grief will come and go.  I am hoping it lessens over time.  The less time we are in that hometown, the less time we are around them and have to listen to the abuse, I am hoping it gets easier and that the grief moves farther away.