Codependency: the gift that keeps on giving

[Amadahy]

Hi, all!

Sometimes I feel like the layers of healing are infinite, and that's not always comforting! 

When Nmom went into long-term care in May, 2020, I began mental suffering and anguish like I'd never known.  I became paranoid, delusional, etc., even though I had the presence of mind to know that these states were not real.  Still, it was a merciless time and lasted until just recently in varying degrees.  This is going to sound silly, but all this time I thought my state was a combination of covid stuff, menopause, job loss, losing my fantastic counselor, and other life events coupled with a tinge of sadness for my Nmom's decline.

However, tonight, 17 months later, the truth revealed itself to me. I *still* have codependent traits when it comes to Nmom.  See, I was always responsible for her. Always. I don't remember a day *not* thinking of her needs, how to try to make her happy, etc.  To boot, often, if she were mad at me over a perceived wrong, she'd "curse" me by wishing me some ill luck or bad circumstance. How horrible is that?!  I think I have tied together not being able to "fix" her and feeling that I deserve a curse or some bad luck, hence my poor mental status. Shame has hit hard, so much so that I often awaken in panic attack mode.  So, I couldn't make her all better and now I should suffer?  This is what my subconscious has adopted, hence the shame.  My logical brain knows this is not true, but that's small consolation.  I think it's sad that I'm so out of touch with my own emotions and needs that it's taken me this long to identify something very obvious and basic to a wounded soul.

As I said, I'm mostly better, but tonight is a hard night.  Hard to admit this.  Hard because I'm visiting her at LTC tomorrow.  Hard because the one thing I desire so much is ease.  Just ease.  Ease of thought, ease of action, just ease in life, in general.  I'm worn out from self-loathing over something that should not be mine.

Thanks for reading.  Just a pitiful rant about a realization that contributes to my shame. 

xoxo Amadahy

[Tribe16]

Dear Amadahy,

{{{{{{{{{{ big hugs}}}}}}}}}
I feel you, hear you and am glad you are here.

You know, I have a book on my nightstand that I think you might enjoy. It's called "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a book of daily meditations on codependency. I love it. I always thought codependency had to do with drug addicts - I had no idea that I was in a CD relationship with my uPDmom. Through lots of reading, lots of therapy, I am learning how not to be a people pleaser. I feel like I am figuring out "the thing" that I was constantly asking myself my whole life, "what is wrong with me?" "The thing" was a really dysfunctional relationship and no boundaries... slowly but surely that is getting fixed and there is light at the end of my tunnel. There are still hard days, not expecting anything from my mom to improve, but liking myself and who I am becoming while I am exiting the F.O.G.

That is there for you too - you are on your way!

[Boat Babe]

Hey Amadahy, how you doing today? I'm sorry that you still feel ill at ease within yourself; it's no surprise having been raised by a mother with NPD.

I'm picking up some of the words you use to describe your pain; self loathing,  shame and pitiful (rant) and I am angry on your behalf that your mother has instilled this in you. It is the opposite of what a parent should nurture in their child.

I get it that you're sick and tired of this and you want ease. One thing that is totally within your power, right now, is to be very, very kind to yourself. My go to practice is Mindful Self Compassion as taught by Kristin Neff. It is the most comforting practice that works in the moment and, if practiced regularly, allows for much greater ease and comfort within. I now use it to interrupt rumination as well.

Sending you huge hugs as you navigate this part of your healing journey.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you have to come to this uncomfortable place regarding your relationship with your mother.

On the bright side is that often such realizations mark a turning point toward healing.

[notrightinthehead]

Dear Amadahy, that was my experience - I expected to leave my marriage skipping and singing and instead I experienced emotional turmoil and suffering. Your long road to freedom started May 2020. Mine took 3 hard years. I think a lifetime of suppression of one's own feelings will boil over, once the lid is off.  Now it is safe to come out,  and if we allow it,  out it will come. You realize it is Co-Dependency. You know at its base is a lack of self love, self respect, self care.  That's what you will be working on. You are on a good path, do not give up. This is your time! Get to know yourself and fall in love with yourself, warts and all!

[moglow]

Amadahy, that shame you speak of isn't yours. It was inflicted on you, attributed to you, even possibly expected of you - but it's not yours. It sounds like you had a lot of things hit at one time and you had to sort through as you got to them. ANY changes/losses take time, and it's hard to not take it all personally when that's how we were brought up [even knowing underneath it's not our stuff!]. But shame? No maam! Not your stuff.

Since mom is in long term care, maybe it's time for you to work towards better self care as well? Perhaps space out your visits if you haven't already? Look for and find those things that soothe you, make you laugh and bring you joy. Step outside your comfort zone, pursue classes or activities that have interested you, volunteering etc.

I think more than anything we have to learn how to be more gentle with ourselves. By all means push when we know we need to, I mean stopping the underlying negative messages we seem to have. They're unnecessary and painful.

You deserve better and I'm sorry you've been low with all of this. We're here with you!

[Amadahy]

Thank you, dears.  One day at a time.  xoxo  Much love.

[nanotech]

We struggle to free ourselves, then we are dismayed when we feel ourselves longing for our old, painful shackles.
We feel and act so conflicted at times.
There's a gaping hole where our codependent behaviour used to reside and even 'flourish'.  It used to bring us precious snippets of attention, that looked like love. We miss that.
The trick is to learn to live without their approval and their validation.
 
It's totally doable. 
We can seek out those who will engage with us in ways which don't involve transactions. Or we can engage just with ourselves, loving ourselves unconditionally, just as we are. 
There's a lot more chance of us being able to do that, once we have recognised that we were, or are, codependent.

[Boat Babe]

And for any lingering codependency traits, get yourself a dog. They perfectly fill that hole in a super safe and healthy way. I love my smelly little mutt.

[nanotech]

And for any lingering codependency traits, get yourself a dog. They perfectly fill that hole in a super safe and healthy way. I love my smelly little mutt.

Love this, boat babe!
Hobbies too- I've discovered yoga, it's a safe space for me. 😊