Wanting constant drama - heightened anxiety

[SunnyMeadow]

I was reading a topic by p123 about Wants not Needs and several people were discussing heightened anxiety. I've never thought of this before relating to my uNPD mother but it makes sense. She has anxiety and was prescribed a benzodiazepine decades ago to help curb the intense feelings during episodes. So she's had it a long time.

Not sure I'm understanding correctly but being born with more anxiety than usual can make a person look for reasons to justify the anxiety? Almost like they crave anxiety inducing things in their life? I ask because my mother loves controversy, drama and conspiracies. If anyone is having a relationship issue...she wants to be involved in it. Sad things on the news will be discussed over and over. Every other day she sends me scary vaccine things (I along with everyone else I know has been vaccinated) sort of disheartening to read this from my mother. Anything shocking or troubling, is big news that she loves to send to people. Like she found this story FIRST.

I have known she likes chaos and drama but didn't realize it could be related to the anxiety inside her. Anyway, just had a lightbulb moment from the comments here and hoped we could discuss more. Does your troubled parent invite and crave drama too and have they been diagnosed with anxiety?

[Hazy111]

Sunny Meadow , i just posted this on the thread by p123 about Wants not

[Hazy111]

*** Needs . It also applies to your post also . Hope it helps.

Sneezy/Sydney37 , what you are describing is classical Borderline behavior (  basically the female narcissist plus other stuff) Its all covered by "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson. I dont know if youve read it . Its got glowing reviews on this site. She names 4 basic types.

The point you mention about altered brain chemistry is interesting , as its covered in the book. Its due to chronic trauma in early childhood ( it may well have begun in the womb) and the effects of stress hormones on the body especially  the brain (the amygdala in particular)  . Many are left in a state of heightened anxiety throughout their lives in a constant state of "fight or flight" and can be easily triggered by everyday events that for others are molehills and are tuned into mountains.

This unfortunately was mom. An uBPD "hermit type (paranoid) " i believe, who as she got older got worse and worse.

Christine Lawsons states the that no one really can appreciate the state of fear and anxiety the hermit lives under. She created drama where none existed and exacerbated stuff that could have been contained. She refused any type of drug that may may have relieved her symptoms. A simple car journey was a traumatic event for her.  These effects had a dramatic impact on her physical health.

There is also the BPD personality ( again formed in early childhood) which is another driver of the anxiety and unfortunately many of these people seek or create "drama" where none exists, as this is what they experienced and are used to and comfortable with. Its also a ready form of "narcissistic supply" , basically any form of attention, which they constantly crave.   
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[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you Hazy111, very interesting to learn about. I will look for the Christine Larson book.

I guess I wasn't seeing the connection of wanting narcissist supply to her anxiety. Don't know why it didn't occur to me before. This is all very complex.

[moglow]

Mother's not been diagnosed with anxiety as far as I know, but I'm sure she has meds handy "in an emergency."

Almost like they crave anxiety inducing things in their life? I ask because my mother loves controversy, drama and conspiracies. If anyone is having a relationship issue...she wants to be involved in it. Sad things on the news will be discussed over and over...

This is very familiar - mother would insert herself into situations that had nothing to do with her other than some obscure connection she concocted, then call everyone she knew to share whatever information she gleaned. I watched the details of those situations shift over time, emphasizing this or that making the story better/more dramatic. I remember many calls with her saying "YOU know xyz!! Her mother's brother's wife's cousin's neighbor taught science at the elementary school you went to [25+years ago]!!!" to justify her insistence that I needed to know this information.

She'd call with intimate details about her sister's or even her neighbor's latest hospital stay or doctor's visit, things that were said and done, gleefully reporting trauma. I'd tell her, this is none of my business and I fail to understand why you insist on telling me these things. "She's your AUNT! You have every right!!" Um no, that's her personal business and I don't want to hear it anymore. No boundaries whatsoever!With mine, whatever is going on with her is worse than anyone else ever. Major hurricane hit this area a few years ago - mother still goes on and on about how traumatic it was, she doesn't know if she'll ever be over it, loses her shit whenever there's a storm anywhere around etc. Note: a big old oak tree scrubbed the side of her house, took out the electricity for a couple of weeks. She didn't lose her home, have to leave, have any major or sustainable damage, no loss of limb or property [other than an old aluminum building that had junk stored in it]. She's lived in this area her entire life - We've seen hurricanes before, some worse others not so bad. But no, this was worse because she knows exactly when the eye passed over her house...

Honestly, I think her anxiety is self-inflicted and driven. For many - particularly if they demand or feel a lack of attention - it's almost like a little kid who decides bad attention is better than none at all. The information age and the immediacy of information is also not necessarily their friend, there's always something available to ramp up a tantrum.

[wisingup]

Does your troubled parent invite and crave drama too and have they been diagnosed with anxiety?

Yes and yes.  Since I was about 10-12 years old, my mom has wanted two things from me:  1) To be the sounding board for her daily dramas, complaints, gossip, health crises and to get just as upset and worked up as she is about them, and 2) to be her best friend or parent or super-daughter, whichever she's in the mood for at the time.  She has no real ability to have a normal conversation - she fills every silence with chatter about her dramas.

I have a physical aversion to drama.  I can handle emergencies or issues as long as everyone stays calm or at least at an appropriate level of "freak-out" for the situation.  Mom overreacts to everything, which makes it physically excruciating for me to interact with her.  It also conveniently gets her out of dealing with situations because others realize that she is making it worse & do what is needed to remove her from the situation.

She has been diagnosed with anxiety multiple times - does not reliably take medication subscribed for it.  For me, the worst part is that she either doesn't know or doesn't care how much her over-reactions upset those around her, especially her children when we were young.  To me, she will always be a ticking time bomb that can go off at any minute.

[Cat of the Canals]

Both PDmom and PDmil are highly anxious, though I believe both would heartily deny it. My mother is a classic BPD Queen type, so she always puts forth an "everything is perfect" facade. When I was diagnosed with anxiety in high school, I was essentially told to snap out of it and that I'd *better* not need to be on meds long-term.  Basically, PDmom just dumps all of her anxiety on everyone else and makes it their problem.

PDmil is the one that LOOOOOVES drama. She always assumes the worst about everyone and everything. I've mentioned before that when I had a medical issue that required a biopsy, she kept telling my husband, "I think it's cancer, I really do." and then repeating the list of all the people she's known who have died from ovarian cancer. I think she would have been delighted if I had indeed had it, even better if I died. Not because she dislikes me, but because she'd have the Biggest Fattest Drama to tell everyone (and I mean EVERYONE... the clerk at the bank, randos at the grocery store... which is what she did when my husband's brother died in January).

[SunnyMeadow]

Wow you guys, it's really shocking to learn how alike they are. I kind of feel like I want to know more but then my protective shield comes down to stop me. She doesn't feel worth my mental capacity to delve into too much. Like I try to put her off in a corner of my mind.

I also have a physical aversion to drama, I want no part of it. Thanks for your posts, always a lot think about.

And Cat of the Canals, your MILs reaction to your biopsy is awful. What a thing to say to your husband. 

[Cat of the Canals]

And Cat of the Canals, your MILs reaction to your biopsy is awful. What a thing to say to your husband. 

He waited a few months to tell me, which was probably a good idea. I was under so much stress I probably would have completely lost it on her.

And I totally agree with you. I am repeatedly shocked at how similar they can be, sometimes right down to using the same words.

[Sidney37]

Thanks for posting about this here and on the other thread.  I've never thought of my PDm as BPD, but I can see why it might be possible.  I'll have to take a look at that book.  Thank you.

She definitely creates drama in a waif-like way any time there isn't any.  It took me years of living far away to realize that she used every private (to me) telephone conversation we had about my husband, in-laws, kids, health, etc. to gossip to church friends about.  My father had known for years that she was doing it, but didn't warn me until she started gossiping about a friend of his who made him promise not to to tell my PDm anything. 

[p123]

Oh Dad could make the sun coming up in the morning into some sort of drama lol.
Its hard work. He presents a problem I give him and easy solution which he ignores. Then ramps up the drama some more....

His latest "drama" is contactless credit cards. (I guess you have those in the USA? They just upped the limit to £100 in the uk).
Someone is going to steal all his money this way and he can't sleep thinking about it. Jeez.... Its laughable.

He never goes out - how is someone going to steal it and use it?
Of course, he wont believe me that even in the unlikely event that it gets lost or stolen, call the bank, it will get sorted and you won't be liable for a penny. (In the UK, as long as you're not negligent the bank can't make you pay)
And of course there are probably 30 million of such cards in the UK at the moment, and I've not heard of there being a pandemic of thefts just yet. Everyone manages to sleep ok.

But no, its going to happen to him and he can't sleep because of it!

[Boat Babe]

My mother has calmed down considerably with great age and I actually think she is much better emotionally regulated than when she was a young woman. She can still blindside me though, when I least expect it. Anyway, she was a hot mess of anxiety when I was a kid/teen and it was like living with a hive of bees in the house. A constant buzzing and sense of unease and the inevitable bee sting, again when I least expected it. It took me years to let go of my mother's anxiety that I was carrying around, in addition to my own.

[square]

Aside from the main factors already mentioned, I wonder if there is sometimes this factor?

If a child is brought up in a situation where there is a cycle of abuse, namely a parent who builds toward a blowup, there is a building sense of unease. Sometimes the anxiety of waiting for the volcano to blow is worse than the actual blowup.

I wonder if some people feel slightly less anxious when the drama is afoot because it feels better to them than the quiet before the storm. For them, things going fine feels like doom's shadow.

[Boat Babe]

Aside from the main factors already mentioned, I wonder if there is sometimes this factor?

If a child is brought up in a situation where there is a cycle of abuse, namely a parent who builds toward a blowup, there is a building sense of unease. Sometimes the anxiety of waiting for the volcano to blow is worse than the actual blowup.

I wonder if some people feel slightly less anxious when the drama is afoot because it feels better to them than the quiet before the storm. For them, things going fine feels like doom's shadow.

[SunnyMeadow]

I wonder if some people feel slightly less anxious when the drama is afoot because it feels better to them than the quiet before the storm. For them, things going fine feels like doom's shadow.

Could be! Definitely food for thought.

Thank you for all the replies and it really stinks that we all deal with these people. 

[Hazy111]

It aint rocket science. If all you grew up  knew was chaos and drama, then thats your normal , you dont know what real normal is, its  unnerving .

Theres a familiarity and a strange sense of security in chaos. Thats why so many PDs self sabotage relationships , work etc. Ive dated i believe uBPDs and everythings going smoothly, then bang    chaos!

[moglow]

If all you grew up  knew was chaos and drama, then thats your normal , you dont know what real normal is, its  unnerving .

Theres a familiarity and a strange sense of security in chaos. Thats why so many PDs self sabotage relationships , work etc.

Exactly. The difference is so many of the kids of also grew up in that, and it's something we don't want. Perhaps some have become the scapegoats because we stood up and said no? Or simply pushed back against what just felt wrong. Someone so set in their denial and chaos isn't likely to take it well when confronted that it's NOT normal.

[Hepatica]

I have to work on this for myself, to be honest. When I was working full-time, I could easily be pulled into drama in our workplace. We worked in teams. I especially allowed myself to get pulled in if I thought someone kind was being picked on. I think I have a rescue complex and it would make sense because I saw my older sister abused so badly and always felt sorry for her.

Anyway, in my forties I began to come out of the 'fog" in a different way, in that I started to become self-aware and realized I liked gossip (and drama) but afterwards I'd feel unsafe and a little sick afterwards, like I'd indulged in something unhealthy and I was waking up to that unhealthy sensation. More recently I have become even more aware that I have a tendency to habitually see the glass half-empty and that I need to challenge that.

I am working now on avoiding gossip and re-routing any dramatic energy into something healthy - like walking quickly outside, or writing stories. And when I'm in a social situation I'm trying to be aware when I slip into dramatic topics. I'm trying to find more humour and light and joy and a general playful feeling.

My therapist just told me this week, that it is very common for those of us who come from traumatic childhoods to feel dark and almost embody that feeling because of what we've been through, even if our personalities are actually fun-loving and joyful. In the past four years I've worked on removing the toxic people to allow actual space for happiness and peace, and I've realized, in a profound way, that even with this new space I still have to work on cultivating these things inside of me.

I hope this makes sense. And I do know also, that there is a lot of challenge with this especially in current covid times and other worries, but I am kind of enjoying the challenge of working on this re-framing, and actively trying to promote my sense of well-being even in this current turmoil. It's not easy but it's a whole lot better than stressing out about things I cannot control.

I think our PD family members are probably survivors of trauma who do not wake up, or even actively refuse to wake up, because they don't believe they need to work on themselves.

[Sneezy]

Does your troubled parent invite and crave drama too and have they been diagnosed with anxiety?

Yes to both.  My mom has been diagnosed with anxiety and has been prescribed Valium, which she usually doesn't take until she is so worked up and anxious that it doesn't really seem to help.  I don't fully understand my mom, but I think that her anxiety is always there.  When she is alone with her own thoughts, she gets extremely anxious.  The anxiety will start to consume her.  And so she looks for two things 1. A reason for the anxiety.  And 2. A means to get rid of or burn off the anxiety.

When mom is looking for a reason for her anxiety, she will of course blame others, because it would just cause her more anxiety if she blamed herself.  And so she is anxious because the world is a dark and terrible place and everyone is mean to her and she is meant to suffer like no one else suffers.  When mom is looking for a justification for her anxiety, she becomes a sad, depressed, angry martyr.

When mom is looking for a way to relieve her anxiety, she expects to be entertained.  I must drop everything and take her shopping.  She will hoard "things" and extra food to make herself feel more secure.  She is the queen bee.  She runs everything, inserts herself into every situation, gossips, holds court, demands undying love and phone calls and attention.  She is utterly exhausting when she is trying to burn off that anxiety.

What caused all this?  I am going out on a limb here, but mom was raised in a very religious home where children were expected to behave in a certain way.  Mom was a little more anxious than her siblings and so this strict upbringing was tough on her.  She was also very, very smart, especially in math, in an era when girls weren't supposed to have any more ambition than to get married and have children.  All of this caused her anxiety.  But in order to be a "good girl" she suppressed her true feelings and looked for reasons as to why she felt anxious.  When she landed on a reason for her anxiety, she felt better momentarily - whew, sweet relief, there was a reason for her bad feelings. But just like eating sugar can help you feel better for a short period of time when you feel hungry, she soon "crashed" and became more anxious.  Eventually, the anxiety won.  Mom is now a walking, breathing embodiment of pure anxiety that manifests itself as an insecure, angry, sad, mean martyr who demands attention and entertainment.

[SunnyMeadow]

Mom is now a walking, breathing embodiment of pure anxiety that manifests itself as an insecure, angry, sad, mean martyr who demands attention and entertainment.

Wow, this is so familiar. They could be sisters.