It's finally over

[zak]

My uBPD mother with advancing dementia aged 90 went into care two weeks ago. After a lifetime of chaos creation, drama, abuse, neglect, lying, gaslighting, projection and scapegoating it's finally contained. She fought every effort to help her until she was finally removed for her own safety when someone was found inside her apartment wanting money. I have been NC for six years but stayed engaged in her safety via a supportive brother.

After losing our families large fortune through years of crazy investments she was forced into bankruptcy aged 75 and ended up in supported housing. (All our inheritances lost!) My uNPD father died 45 years ago. I have two brothers that became Guardians through court order and they have been saying her living conditions were OK. I have constantly advocated for her to be moved into residential care for at least 8 years but could never get my brothers to agree to act till recently.

Two days ago supportive brother, DH and I cleared out her apartment and it was so confronting and pathetically tragic. The apartment was actually beyond filthy, she had a cleaner who I assume has been sent away each week and there was evidence in her bank statements that someone, we think we know who, has been milking her bank accounts. I feel ashamed that our elder who once lived in a waterfront home and owned our own airplane ended up like this.

I guess I'm conflicted. I know that when I finally went NC it was as it always is, the last straw. I was 56 and felt no other option was left to me but I can see now that my brothers were not equal to the role of Guardian and her living conditions and financial exploitation prove it.

There is enormous relief that she is past causing further damage to me or anyone else and is now is a secure place, so no more mental energy is needed on my part, yet I find that I'm trying to process difficult emotions and that I'm finally really free. I'm trying to come to terms with what I saw two days ago. It all seems like such a sad and stupid waste of a life not to mention the ongoing collateral damage to me and my siblings and some of their children. Intergenerational trauma and broken relationships everywhere. Heartbreaking and I feel quite grief stricken about it all.

I know WI, that wise gal would have jumped on and given me some pithy advice about it all that was right on point. Has anyone else gone through this too ?

[Starboard Song]

I find that I'm trying to process difficult emotions and that I'm finally really free. I'm trying to come to terms with what I saw two days ago. It all seems like such a sad and stupid waste of a life not to mention the ongoing collateral damage to me and my siblings and some of their children.

I know WI, that wise gal would have jumped on and given me some pithy advice about it all that was right on point. Has anyone else gone through this too ?

I've gone through similar emotions in a very different context. I think something new and exciting has occurred for you. You can finally shut the door on the past, and look at the future. The past is no longer even a window into the future, with lessons to learned and grudges to remember. You wrote these beautiful words:


It seems like such a sad and stupid waste of a life.

I am finally free.


Take a moment to congratulate yourself. You made a pithy statement that was on point. The thing that is so very wrong is how we can waste the potential of our human lives. You see that, and said it that simply, and that is powerful. And you closed the door on the past in just four words: you are finally free.

It doesn't feel like a time to dance: 

There may be lingering issues with other family members wanting to relitigate the past: 

But there is cause for great joy, and it is that you've made the hard right choices years ago and peace is on the way:   

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you are able to process your mixed feelings in a way that leaves you healed stronger for the rest of life's journey.

She made choices until she could not.  Now she is being cared for by unbiased professionals, who recognize her needs as a person in need of their assistance.

Be at peace.

[xredshoesx]

WI is truly missed.  i know she would have had the perfect thing to say.  i wish i could be half the wordsmith she was.

i'm 50 and haven't seen my biological mother since i was 22.  i had a parallel convo with someone the other day as a coworker had lost her own mother through a long and drawn out illness and i was like i don't even know how to feel when (if) i find out whatever happens when she can no longer live independently  and then passes as i've already been grieving the loss of NOT HAVING a mother pretty much my entire life.

i feel for you, your mother being transitioned into a care home and the revealing of the shady stuff that your siblings may have been doing is  hard to unpack.  no matter what happens in the days that come and whatever else is revealed NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT.  YOU HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OF WHAT SHE DID and lastly, you did not let greed keep you blinded to her true nature like those that took advantage of her did.

don't second guess your decisions to stay as an advocate for her as safe distance for your own well being.  please give yourself time, grace and compassion in these coming days.

[SunnyMeadow]

I miss WI too and wish she was here to offer her spot on and entertaining advice!

From large family fortune to bankruptcy has got to be incredibly hard to take. It's no wonder you're conflicted. I can see how you think it was a waste of a life and along with trauma and broken relationships, it just seems all to much to think about. But like you said, you are free. I hope you can find comfort in that thought. ♥

[weddingcat]

Whole Hearted - yes similar here and I understand the complicated feelings.

I was NC with my parents bc they basically cut off the whole family. I had not been to the house in about 7 years. They recently passed, 2 months apart.
So, I had to go to the house and see what they had been living like. It was dirty and things weren't fixed and there were old papers from 10+ years everywhere.
When we were growing up, the house was always spotless and it was such a shock to see it in this state. I don't know what happened but they never had to live this way.
It's just so sad and such a waste. I understand that piece too. They stayed in the house and did nothing and cut everyone off for reasons I will never know. Such a waste for no reason.
Your mom is safe now and you can let go of that worry you have carried for so long. It will take some getting used to-letting that sigh of relief out.

[square]

You are... DUNZO! 

[Andeza]

A wasted life... Mostly perhaps. But, the world got you out of the deal, and you were worth it.

She'll get the care she truly needs now, and it's not your fault things got the way they did. Ultimately, that was the choice of your mother when she decided to treat her loved ones a certain way.

We're here for you as you process this.