Everything is exhausting

[11JB68]

I had a wedding this weekend, coworker
I like going out, getting dressed up etc.
Everything with Updh is exhausting. He's been behaving fairly well this week, but even so.... Exhausting
First he had to freak out about our gift. I actually Googled how much to give as it's been so long since we went to a wedding... And I wanted to be generous as I'm this person's boss, and she has become a bit of a'work daughter'...
But even at the low end of what we 'should' give Updh freaked out a bit. Cuz he is so arbitrary with money and usually miserly when it comes to anything I want.
So there was that. I was pretty upset.
Then, he wanted me to help him figure out what to wear. Ok. I know this is an issue. I actually appreciated him being proactive about it. BUT... then it was first we had to reorg his sock drawer... And his underwear drawers... Then try three suits, and several pairs of slacks and three sport coats... It was almost a two hour ordeal. I ended up not having time to do my nails...
This is a man who's home alone all week and does not "punch a clock".. he could organize his drawers on his own time...
He was fine at the event itself although I know he doesn't like these events... So that was a relief...I thanked him three times on the way home for going, since once he got angry with me for not doing so.

[SonofThunder]

11JB68,

Im sorry that dealing with your husband is so exhausting.  Its ridiculous that the choices we non's have to make, are many times a choice between bad and worse.  To caretake my wife was exhausting and only kept her neutral.  To confront my wife caused anger and rage.  Ending my caretaking has caused silent treatment, increased manipulation and a different kind of mental exhaustion in planning ahead on likely scenarios as well as constant adjustment as the scenarios play out, keeping myself protected.   Even the mundane tasks (like you described with getting dressed, buying a gift, proactively thanking your husband as a preventative) become energy drainers. 

I have found for myself, that either choice; caretake or not caretake (my current choice after reading Fjelstads wonderful book), is physical and emotional exhaustion.  Therefore I am really choosing who deserves the rights to my energy.  Since I can replenish my energy levels with self-care, but i cannot recapture time back into my lifespan, I am also choosing with whom to expend my precious time.   

Therefore with the 51% rule and the 50% rule both in gear because i choose to remain married to a PD at this time, i have chosen the energy-drain and time-drain of protecting myself and ended the caretaking.   What I found out after doing so, was that there was a return on my investment of that choice.  Although either way my emotional and physical energy is frequently depleted in protecting myself, i am now accomplishing SO much more of my personal desires vs putting the ever-growing, ever-changing desires of my uPDw over my own.  In addition, the return of invigorating victory in successfully protecting myself and avoiding, as best possible, the tantrums of my uPDw's failure to control me. 

I want to encourage you to consider that either way (caretake or not caretake), the exhaustion is present, because of the physical and emotional energy levels needed to be connected in life to a PD.  Therefore, you choose who deserves the right to your energy AND precious time on this Earth.   

Wishing you increased energy and uplifting of your spirit, through friendship and camaraderie along the trail we walk together here at Out of the FOG.

SoT

[Lauren17]

SoT, that was a fantastic post.
All I can do here is commiserate with 11.
I'm exhausted too. Have you ever noticed that there are different kinds of exhausted? SoT alludes to them and I'm starting to feel the differences more now. There's physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, mental exhaustion. And sometimes, I feel tired in a way that goes deeper than any of those that I can't even explain.
Here's a gentle reminder to all of us to take some time for ourselves today.

[SonofThunder]

SoT, that was a fantastic post.
All I can do here is commiserate with 11.
I'm exhausted too. Have you ever noticed that there are different kinds of exhausted? SoT alludes to them and I'm starting to feel the differences more now. There's physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, mental exhaustion. And sometimes, I feel tired in a way that goes deeper than any of those that I can't even explain.
Here's a gentle reminder to all of us to take some time for ourselves today.

Hi Lauren17,

What you wrote is spot on; "There's physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, mental exhaustion. And sometimes, I feel tired in a way that goes deeper than any of those that I can't even explain. ".

When all those types of exhaustion occur simultaneously or build up over a prolonged PD ordeal, i hit a 'tired' brick wall, and will many times, lay down on the floor on my back and totally veg-out focus/escape on something mundane, such as the slow whirl of a ceiling fan, or pretend what it be like if my house was upside down and I had to walk around in it, stepping over the doorways and avoiding spinning fans on the floor.

I use to do this as a little boy as well, after dealing with a mind-boggling situation with my NPDfather.  Obviously didn't know then what i know now, but experience it, i surely did. 

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

I can very much relate to this exhausting activity before an event.

I now see it as pure childish jealousy.

You spend money and time thinking about this event and buying a gift.

Paybacks of your time and attention are then demanded.  If you don't participate they destroy the event for you by acting out.

As the need for attention increases the demands for your time and attention  also increase.

Exhausting is only the tip of the iceberg.

Sigh

[GentleSoul]

Oh goodness, I so relate 11JB68.  Sorry you had all of that to deal with.  My late uPD husband managed to make everything utterly exhausting too. Even things that should have been pleasant.

On the reorganisation of the sock drawer.  Oh boy, yes.  Even the most simple task would somehow morph into exactly that type of thing, then suddenly several hours of my precious time would be used up.