Complicated funerals

[pianissimo]

There is another post about funerals, but I felt like talking about this separately.

So, I just found out my uncle passed away. This is my aunt's (my mother's sister) husband. It feels like I'm blocked from reaching out to my aunt, because my mother and aunt have not been in speaking terms for more than a decade. My father gave me the news. I offered visiting the mourning house, but he said he didn't want to go with my mother (my father and mother detest one another), he also advised me to just give my aunt a call, and that should be suffice. He also told me he didn't tell my mother about the news. This annoyed me. My mother is a very difficult person, she probably has some kind of personality disorder, either NPD or BPD, or a mixture of both. I can imagine her going to the mourning house and making a scene if she finds out. She had made a scene in my cousin's (aunt's daughter's) wedding many years ago. Despite that, the thought of her not knowing what happened bothers me. Plus, I'm afraid she would lose it after finding out: she might not be able to cope with the grief, or the guilt of not being with her sister in this time, and she might rage against my father for not telling her. I wouldn't be there, so, I would be spared of all that, but still.

I actually thought of going to the mourning house myself. I feel like this might make things OK for both families. Mother would be OK with the idea that I was there, and aunt and I get along.  But I'm giving myself some time. I don't know if this is a good idea either.

Anyways, I feel so sad, even in these kinds of days, parents can't be there for each other. It would be so much easier (emotionally) if parents were with my aunt's family and I just went there to be with them.

P.S. Just called my aunt. Asked about the arrangements. It sounded like they weren't in a state for me to visit them. So, that was that. It's hard for me to make these calls, so sharing here helped.

[Leonor]

Hi Pianissimo,

Yes, it's so complicated and you're kind for wanting your family to support each other during this painful time.

You found out about your aunt's husband's passing from your father. So your aunt didn't reach out to you and, frankly, is probably in her own grief process. There is a risk that your mom will be upset, but your aunt's (and that of any cousins you may have) mourning takes priority here. This is not the time to try and mend any fences. It's just too volatile, and the most respectful thing you can do for your uncle's loved ones is to honor her decisions around whom they invite into their sphere at this time.

If you would like to express your sympathy to your uncle's loved ones, look for an obituary in the local paper, or contact the mourning house director. Family usually leave instructions for flowers, or donations, or cards.

Your mom and dad's problems with her and each other are theirs alone. You can't head off any unpleasantness they're determined to have. Let them be.

[Hilltop]

I would say your aunt probably has too much grief to then deal with seeing her sister who she hasn't seen in a decade.  When you spoke to your aunt she said she wasn't up for a visit.  Respect her need for time alone.

I would leave your mother out of the funeral. A decade is a long time to be estranged and a funeral is not the time or place to mend anything.  There are raw emotions and things may end badly.

If you want to go to the funeral then go for your aunt but leave the rest of the family drama in the background.  Your aunt can mend those bridges if she chooses at a time when she is ready.  This isn't something for you to fix.

As for telling your mother that your uncle has died, I am not sure when I would do that however I would probably wait until after the funeral so she can't start trouble or drama.  She may not be happy with that but really her feelings about this don't really matter, it is your aunts feelings that matter here.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You're right, if your aunt isn't in a state for you to visit, that's that. You do sound like a very kind person who wants things to be as they ought to be and to "do the right thing." Sometimes the right thing is what's right for someone else, in this case the widow of the deceased.

Everybody else... is so far in the background that they really don't matter right now, especially after ten years. If you wish to donate or do some small kindness from a distance, then lovely. Then it sounds like you might want to take care of yourself a little bit too! Your parents really don't deserve to drag you into their tempests in a teapot.

[pianissimo]

Thank you all for your replies.

I guess, in these kinds of situations, my "not good enough" wound acts up, so I somehow feel like whatever I do won't be enough, so it felt like just a call would not be enough, but, it felt like my aunt found a bit of support in my call.

The thing is, fixing the issues with the extended family is not really up to me, I don't know why I feel a responsibility to sort things out in some way.

[daughter]

I faced a very similar situation several years ago, regarding my favorite aunt "vanished" by NM.  I remained in furtive contact, until her dementia made true conversation impossible.

My aunt died; I went to wake, thankfully my estranged family wasn't there. I attended funeral mass, and my estranged parents sat in front "family row", despite cutting-off all contact w/deceased aunt and her family years ago, in overtly cruel manner, "forbidding" me contact w said aunt, etc.  I was both astounded, and not surprised.  My NPD parents have no regard for other people's feelings; the estranged cousins furious at their unseemly gate-crashing.  I dodged my parents, apologized to my cousins, and did what I felt I needed to do to honor my beloved aunt.