passing the buck? Or seriously causing stress?

[losingmyself]

I just have an observation...maybe a question or opinion...
DS borrowed a tool from FIL and FIL needs it back. FIL asks H if it's at our house, since that's where DS is working on his vehicle.  H looks for it, can't find it, and tells me "Well, I guess I'll have to buy another one for FIL"
Neither one of these people who act all tough and have crappy things to say about everyone, even considered asking DS where it is or to return said tool.
I had to send DS a text, ask him if he knew where it is and if he could return it to FIL.
This is the usual way they do things. It's a big deal to ask someone a simple question, but, oh boy, they're going to complain to me forever if I don't do something about it. Neither one will say anything to him, or whomever they think has 'wronged' them.
I guess I have a question. Is it passive/aggressive? Or more of a fear of alienating the few people they think are on 'their side'? H would rather go out and buy a new tool than even asking about the one borrowed for fear of angering him? Or, is it because he knows I'll do it?
Thing is, money for a new tool would come out of an already strapped joint account. I mean it was a simple "Hey, do you have that tool, and can you bring it over to FIL's?"
And " Sure, I have it, I'll drop it off"
I just don't understand.

[Simon]

If you've found yourself always having to step in and do things like this, maybe they just know you're going to, and it is indeed passing the buck/laziness on their part.

Have you thought of holding them accountable by asking them (both in front of each other) why they couldn't just ask DS if he had it, pointing out how easy and obvious that was to do?

[SonofThunder]

Losingmyself, you wrote:

"H looks for it, can't find it, and tells me "Well, I guess I'll have to buy another one for FIL"

Im not certain who the PD is in this story (H or FIL or both?), but personally, in a desire to be MC and not get involved, would only have reacted with a repeat of H's statement, which only confirms you heard and understood his words: "that sucks that it couldn't be located".  Then i walk away.  Confronting when a PD is in the mix, only gets me involved and will always lead to manipulation and backlash.

Also, to answer your question on this thread, i agree with both parts of your comment: "H would rather go out and buy a new tool than even asking about the one borrowed for fear of angering him?  Or, is it because he knows I'll do it?

SoT

[losingmyself]

Simon, I think I might just do that, ask why neither one of them could have just asked DS to return the tool, and why I had to do it. Also, point out that there were no ill consequences, he just brought it back.
SOT, in my opinion, they are both disordered, in their own way.
The problem with not doing anything, maybe it's protecting DS a little, they would have discussions about how he doesn't return borrowed things, for... I don't know...ever, until a bigger default showed itself in someone else.
So I do it, as if I am saying "look how easy that was.."
I will try to step back in the future and let things fall where they will.

[square]

I eventually discovered H would never follow through on his absurd "solutions" so I no longer had to panic that he would spend $400 to fix a non issue. YMMV.

He would be emotionally dysregulated and in full black and white panic thinking - where it feels like problems are TOTALLY UNSOLVABLE. If I took the bait I'd be a handy target to vent his feelings on, especially if he wasn't really sure what he was really angry about. Or in your husband's case, feeling anger toward an unsafe target at being put into a weird position -AGAIN.

I dunno if your husband was reluctant to ask your son or if he just wanted out of the entire mess. Perhaps he would have been okay asking DS, but then would feel responsible for contacting his father to arrange the tool return which would have been a no. Or perhaps he was able to see DS taking the issue from there but still feeling put-upon and not wanting to reinforce his father asking him instead of DS. Or else the while thing just made him feel nasty but he didn't know why, so he just habitually digs his heels in when he feels that way, out of habit.

Either way, yeah, he totally was looking for you to rescue him.

[losingmyself]

Most of the time, it's just easier for me to do the damn thing and have it done with. I think over the years, he has become accustomed to me doing this stuff, and while he can criticize me, he can still pass everything off to me.
I do everything, but not correctly. But he'll still have me do everything, he'll just point out how I did it wrong.
I need to change my ways.
I always organize his pills for him, if I make a mistake, I get scolded. I keep doing them. A couple months ago, he started accusing me of replacing his pills with 'placebos' and taking his pills myself. This opens up 2 questions for me. 1. why would I do that? 2. how would I have 'placebos' just laying around the house? Is that even a thing?
But, I keep doing them. I think I am so codependent that I need him to need me.
If you asked me if I felt that I am codependent I would say no, but my actions prove otherwise, don't they?