A new hello. Both sets parents PD

[4leafclover]

Hello to all the wonderful people on this forum,

I have been reading through so many posts and personal journeys and admire how brave everyone is to post here and the meaningful support on each thread. I'd love to be able to share my own personal difficulties and hope to be able to help any others if I can along the way.

I am reaching out as I feel as though I have hit rock bottom with my husband. Covid has had a lot to answer for and some deaths of relatives (unrelated to covid) over the past year. I don't know how to describe it other than it has reset my husband?

We have very quickly gone from having (what I thought) a reasonable understanding of boundaries between his family and our own little unit. We managed the situation of a very VERY PDmil and from what I can now see Narc Fil or at the very least enabler for over 14 years.
This included flying monkeys a plenty of husbands sibling and their spouse.


I have known that their dysfunctional dynamics absolutely points at members having disorders, and I have had this strong feeling for over a decade.
Our first child was still a toddler and I remember coming across this website and all the articles and videos across the internet.
I realised that this is exactly what has been going on, I'd hit gold (or so I thought).
In my head I thought 'finally, I know it's not me'.
All the coldness, the manipulation, the right in front of your face lies. It all wasn't me - it was them.

I arranged for my mum to come up to our house and look after our toddler - things were really bad for me and my husband again by that point.
When my mother arrived I shoved my laptop and all the information, articles that had been carefully selected and printed out to *prove* in a non aggressive way that we were not to blame for our mistreatment. That I wasn't 'the crazy one' - yep we'd got to that point where that was what he would call me.

I picked a quiet, peaceful spot over looking rolling hills and sat down on a bench. I was really calm and thought 'this is it, we can move on now'. I pictured him smiling and wanting to so desperately see the clink of a changed expression you see when someone 'gets' something. How wrong was I?

I began talking. I had a smile on my face. I made a great deal of effort for this to not come across as a lecture but for a moment of support and growth.
But the more words that poured from my mouth with calm explanations, the more he stiffened up.
His face turned to stone, then to mottled red and he began to shout. He was done with listening and it began to start again. The talking *at me*. My dream was over and my confidence drained away from that day onwards.

I fell into an extreme deep depression. The fights were horrific. He refused us to go to therapy together even though he began to experience depression himself. I pleaded to move away from our current location (which was nearby to our inlaws) and for years we got nowhere.
Eventually the dust settled from time to time and he was able to lift his head Out of the FOG for a small look around. PDMil was getting too comfortable with her vile treatment to me and it was absolutely impossible for him to deny what was happening. I grabbed the opportunity and thankfully this time he agreed to move.

The only catch was that both our families only live a city away from each other and he was only comfortable moving closer to mine on the condition that we would have some form of family support for our child. I would have moved to a different part of the country or even other countries but this was at least as good as it was going to get for now and so I ran with it.

It made a massive difference to begin with over very basic things. There was no more weekly pressured texts to come visit now that a ten minute car journey to drop by had turned into a 50 minute journey of us likely being out of the house. I could see the weight lifted off my husband and almost seeing him realising the truth of the matter.

Visits were more spaced out but most importantly the behaviour from the in-laws became less extreme because I believe that the unexpected move (we decided to not tell them until last minute so there was no interference) well and truly pulled the rug from under their feet. I don't think they thought we had it in us, and perhaps they thought that if we are capable of this then what would be next?

Treatment was still rude at times but I could cope with this new normal as the old one was so awful. However, looking back, and this is the problem I'm facing now. I believe we deserve even more peace than the 'new routine'.

Throughout Covid not only myself but also our children have been mistreated by our in-laws in very obvious ways. It is this mistreatment that made me take a good look at how much we are being taken for granted and how much we deserve better.
The saddest part is that my husbands confidence to build on boundaries has took a turn for the worse and instead of seeing the damage that has been caused he has pretty much done a 180.

Covid catapulted our children and husband to rely on help from our in-laws because I am of extreme high risk.
He has been spending a lot of time with them away from me and so have our children (my parents have health conditions themselves). I've had to shield away from my husband and children for an unwanted amount of time because the idea of dying and leaving my children at the hands of them would haunt me forever. I have so desperately needed to be safe enough to be able to be fit enough to protect them until they are old enough and so I took the difficult decision to make this sacrifice as a long term gain.

The situation has almost destroyed our marriage and my husband has shown so many signs of reverting back to his child like anger fuelled ways. Now that I have had the vaccine and my only hope is that I am protected enough, we have been left with ruins to walk through.

I have been spending so many days in my dressing gown unable to eat and not knowing where to turn to and then I remembered of this inspiring community on here. I would really love to begin to share my story in the hope that any nuggets of advice can save my sanity from this situation.

My husband has agreed to therapy. We said that's the path that we need.
We recently hit rock bottom again and I wanted out and refused therapy saying it was pointless if he can't come to any basic understanding. Laughably my husband is now adamant that we must go to therapy and is very keen.
I'm not sure if it will work but I'm glad he is willing to go. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read I am so exhausted. Peace to you all xoxo

[bloomie]

4leafclover - I really love your forum name. It spells hope to me.

I am just so glad you reached out. I am so sorry for the years of struggle and pain that you and your family have endured. Finding a community of people who get it, who believe you and know just how destructive and divisive all of this can be has been a godsend to me in my own healing journey. I hope you find your time here to be of great help and comfort to you.

There are so many good tools in the toolbox, info at the drop down menus, and resources shared across the boards - it sounds like you may have already found help there in the past.

There are many of us here whose marriages and mental health have been brought to the brink by the unhealthy, toxic choices and behaviors of loved ones. In my own case, and like so many here - both my DH and myself come from families of origin that had/have some pretty difficult and destructive patterns and paradigms.

So, we are two wounded people coming together to attempt to make a unified healthy family with all of those influences - most of which we didn't even know how to recognize or protect ourselves from before a lot of damage was done, and in our case, early on - very few tools and strategies to deal with them.

I do believe that if you can build the energy to try and work with a neutral 3rd party - a good therapist, and then add in support like you will find here and in the resources, it is your best chance to find your way back to each other.

There is no way that I know of to quantify the damage that proximity to those who do not truly love us, who would divide and come between us if they could, who are deliberately cruel and invalidating, who disrespect our marriages, partners, children bring into our lives. The trauma of it for me, and the many years of being unprotected and misunderstood by my own DH around his family's toxic behaviors was a lot to work through.

All I have learned and continue to more fully understand is to count the cost of contact, decide what if any contact is safe for each of us, and to find a place of agreement that your marriage and family of choice is your number one priority every. single. time.

I wish you so much strength and wisdom going forward and will be looking for you on the In Laws board and around the forum. I welcome you!