Trying to find acceptance

[Hilltop]

Congrats on the first year in your house.  This thread has been interesting.  The ideas about assumed forgiveness have been so interesting because this is something I use to struggle with.  I use to get caught up with each individual hurtful action and didn't see the bigger picture until recently. I now see that moving on, which is what they tell you they want, is only so they can keep going with their behaviours.  Forgiveness to them is simply acceptance of the behaviour.  I now see a pattern of behaviour that is the big issue, it's a pattern of behaviour they refuse to stop or change.  The problem was never this one issue of they said this or that in this one visit, the problem is a pattern of behaviour of continually being hurtful or insulting.   I didn't see this before, I would think I had to get over the hurt of this one thing and then things may get back on track or change but the problem is an overall pattern with them.  It's like I have only recently fully understood this. Because of this, I too feel flat about the whole thing.  I don't miss them, I don't want to see them, I feel like I have given up on them.

I am sorry you are going through this.  I had the same experience on Christmas.  I sent a Christmas text and got a carbon copy version back.  It didn't surprise me.  My mother sends cards to everyone, not me.  I am not even worth a phone call on my cell, not ever.  She will call other people but when she found out I was with a different provider and it would cost her more, she simply doesn't call.  As you said she met my gesture but not one breath more.  She didn't even send a text before me, she returned mine almost straight away and she wakes up early, however it wasn't until I sent one mid morning that she bothered to reply.  That sort of disinterest is gutting in a way.  I wonder if she would have bothered if I hadn't.  At the moment anything she does send has something about this year being stressful and looking forward to the new year when things calm down and all will go back to normal. It's so telling isn't it, she'll just sit back because she thinks it's a moment and then things can return to her normal in the new year.  Even though she sends these things saying she thinks the year has been stressful, there is no reaching out, no phone call, no concern, just a few nothing words for a nothing relationship.

It must be heart breaking to see your mother still playing her silly games.  Showing a lack of concern over NC, playing a game with NC like she needs to win or prove she's right.  Doing that as the relationship is crumbling.  I know this part has been hard for me.  To simply be the punching bag and when you walk away there is no concern from them, not even a tiny bit of effort to see what's wrong.  They show time and time again that they simply want us to move on, get over it, so things can return to their normal and they can continue their pattern of behaviour without even the unpleasantness of being held to account for their treatment of us.

I'm glad you are finding acceptance with this.  Self compassion goes a long way.

[Boat Babe]

Congrats on the first year in your house.  This thread has been interesting.  The ideas about assumed forgiveness have been so interesting because this is something I use to struggle with.  I use to get caught up with each individual hurtful action and didn't see the bigger picture until recently. I now see that moving on, which is what they tell you they want, is only so they can keep going with their behaviours.  Forgiveness to them is simply acceptance of the behaviour.  I now see a pattern of behaviour that is the big issue, it's a pattern of behaviour they refuse to stop or change.  The problem was never this one issue of they said this or that in this one visit, the problem is a pattern of behaviour of continually being hurtful or insulting.   I didn't see this before, I would think I had to get over the hurt of this one thing and then things may get back on track or change but the problem is an overall pattern with them.  It's like I have only recently fully understood this. Because of this, I too feel flat about the whole thing.  I don't miss them, I don't want to see them, I feel like I have given up on them.

I am sorry you are going through this.  I had the same experience on Christmas.  I sent a Christmas text and got a carbon copy version back.  It didn't surprise me.  My mother sends cards to everyone, not me.  I am not even worth a phone call on my cell, not ever.  She will call other people but when she found out I was with a different provider and it would cost her more, she simply doesn't call.  As you said she met my gesture but not one breath more.  She didn't even send a text before me, she returned mine almost straight away and she wakes up early, however it wasn't until I sent one mid morning that she bothered to reply.  That sort of disinterest is gutting in a way.  I wonder if she would have bothered if I hadn't.  At the moment anything she does send has something about this year being stressful and looking forward to the new year when things calm down and all will go back to normal. It's so telling isn't it, she'll just sit back because she thinks it's a moment and then things can return to her normal in the new year.  Even though she sends these things saying she thinks the year has been stressful, there is no reaching out, no phone call, no concern, just a few nothing words for a nothing relationship.

It must be heart breaking to see your mother still playing her silly games.  Showing a lack of concern over NC, playing a game with NC like she needs to win or prove she's right.  Doing that as the relationship is crumbling.  I know this part has been hard for me.  To simply be the punching bag and when you walk away there is no concern from them, not even a tiny bit of effort to see what's wrong.  They show time and time again that they simply want us to move on, get over it, so things can return to their normal and they can continue their pattern of behaviour without even the unpleasantness of being held to account for their treatment of us.

I'm glad you are finding acceptance with this.  Self compassion goes a long way.

[moglow]

I now see that moving on, which is what they tell you they want, is only so they can keep going with their behaviours.  Forgiveness to them is simply acceptance of the behaviour.  I now see a pattern of behaviour that is the big issue, it's a pattern of behaviour they refuse to stop or change.  The problem was never this one issue of they said this or that in this one visit, the problem is a pattern of behaviour of continually being hurtful or insulting.   I didn't see this before, I would think I had to get over the hurt of this one thing and then things may get back on track or change but the problem is an overall pattern with them.  It's like I have only recently fully understood this. Because of this, I too feel flat about the whole thing.  I don't miss them, I don't want to see them, I feel like I have given up on them.

Yep, all of this too. It really doesn't seem to occur to mine either that it's not the one incident 15+ years ago she clings to. It's not one confrontation, misspoken word, misunderstanding, meltdown, or "justifiable" upset - it's time after time after time, then pounding me over the head with it all the way back to my childhood as if I can possibly change it. MD has said specifically she doesn't want to talk about the past - no, she doesn't want ME to talk about it! Our last phone call was just a recitation of every hurt and disappointment and resentment she could bring to mind at the time. She ran out of steam and the call ended, there was nothing to be said and nothing she cared to hear from me anyway. There's no understanding that two people were involved, she never once questioned or considered my side of any of it.

Not too many years ago she said in a snarky voicemail that all I cared about were my thoughts and my feelings and "all that CRAP!" and she didn't want to hear it. Okay then. She later claimed that she'd need "proof" she ever said such a thing! Even after I forwarded that message back to her, not a word of apology or remorse. I took it wrong, read more into it, etc. No, the message is right there exactly as you said them, and you need to listen to it again mommie dearest. It was pretty damned clear to me.  I stopped talking, stopped sharing anything with her at all. I should have paid attention even then, but no. hope springs eternal.

Hilltop, it's not a pleasant place to be, but there is some peace in it. There's not a remote chance that she'll show up on my doorstep or that I'll have to decide whether or not to open the door. That would require effort on her part and just isn't going to happen. In the years I've lived here, not once has md set foot in any place I've lived or even shown slightest interest. And honestly, that's fine by me. My ship finally sailed without her and life truly is better without the chaos she dragged around. I want the same for you, ALL of you, hard as the process is at times.

[Hilltop]

Yes she didn't want to talk about the past, of course not and even when shown the voicemail simply no acknowledgement at all.  You are correct when you say its like no understanding that two people are involved.  I feel like we do look at them and try to understand however the only thing reflected back is what they want or feel.  There's no room for another.

I agree that there is less chaos and I am glad you have found some peace in that.  I am glad you feel safe in your house, although I would imagine that is hurtful as well.  Thank you for your kind words.

[mary_poppins]

Why on earth does what she thinks weigh so heavily on my mind and how do I shut it off??? I get that part of it is a lifetime of training and reinforcement, the belief that I'm [and others are] responsible for her feewings. All the stuff is still ebbing and flowing through my soul like waves ...

Good question. It's mostly brain phisiology. If you teach a dog to expect meat if a bell rings, he'll salivate each time a bell rings. My brother's dog jumps on me out of joy when I say the word 'out'. That's how our PD parents behaved as well. They trained us to react at the 'bell' aka abusive statements: But I'm your mother! I've sacrificed so much for you. You owe me. You can only trust in me/us. The world is unsafe. You don't matter, etc. All these abusive statements created neurological pathways in our brain, that's why we associate those phrases with shame and guilt.

I've read in a book that our brains are malleable. Our DNA can be easily altered, meaning, if we incorporate new beliefs, our brain is gonna activate healthy, more empowering behaviours and feelings.

But like you said, it may take a lifetime to create these new behaviors. (or unlearn the bad responses).

Can you associate feeling bad/guilty about something that your fam said/did with a positive activity? For ex, when you feel like that, get a coloring book and do that activity. Or go for a nature walk. There's no rule that says whenever we feel guilt or shame we should give in to these feelings. It's in our power to get out of these triggers.