Does anyone else feel incredibly guilty for being the GC?

[sophierhj]

I posted here for the first time about 6 months ago and am sorry to say I was too overwhelmed at the time to come back and spend much time here. My younger sister had just attempted suicide and been diagnosed with BPD, which brought up an avalanche of emotions as I began picking through the research on BPD and getting slapped in the face with the realisation that my mum most definitely also has BPD. As soon as I brought up BPD with my therapist she told me she'd long suspected my mum of having it based on things I had told her.

My mum has had a recent resurgence of "bad" behaviour. In the sense that she hasn't attacked me for a couple of years but has done so multiple times in the past couple of weeks. It's bringing up a lot of memories of childhood and I'm very confused about the feelings of anger that also keep cropping up towards my younger sister. It doesn't take a genius to know she must have suffered horribly as well under our mother's parenting, given the fact she's gone on to develop BPD and has had multiple suicide attempts. But I can't help but remember all the time I spent as a child being belittled, mocked, and bullied by bother my sister and my mum, who were like two peas in a pod. My mum did things like lock me out at nighttime, refuse to feed me for a week (but make me sit at the table and watch her and my sister eat), and abandon me on the street in a foreign country. She even admitted to me multiple times that she favoured my sister but said that she felt she had to to compensate for the fact that my dad apparently favoured me when I was a baby (never mind that he was out of the picture for most of my childhood).

The last couple of years my sister lived with us, she hit puberty and my mum did a 180. Suddenly my sister was the one getting screamed at on the daily and my mum was threatening to send her away to boarding school. I am ashamed to admit a part of me felt relief during that time. Overall I was incredibly stressed and miserable, but finally I wasn't the fuck up. My mum started to come to me for advice and support and I'm ashamed to say it made me feel important and loved at the time. Like I finally had a purpose. I didn't protect my sister from her rages. In fact I sort of blamed my sister for not being sneakier about doing the things that would set my mum off (like underage drinking or skipping school - typical troubled teenage stuff). I had long ago learned to hide everything from my mum and I saw her rage as an inevitability. It didn't even occur to me at that point in my life that neither me nor my sister deserved to get screamed at. I saw it as my sister causing her outbursts by not being better at hiding her antics. My sister went to live with my dad and went VLC with me (and NC with my mum) when she was 14 and I was 16. That was 13 years ago and my dad and my sister both continue to hint to me that there is some kind of *big reason* my sister doesn't like to talk to me. I get the impression that it is because I didn't stick up for her those last couple of years. I feel immense shame about that as the older sister who should have been more protective and seen my mum's behaviour for what it was. But I can't stop feeling anger that my sister contributed to my misery for most of my childhood and now blames me as well.  To this day the first thing she says to me when we see each other is an insult about my appearance, and she often makes fun of me whenever we spend any time together.

From my readings on BPD mothers it seems like I must have been the GC in those last couple of years while my sister was still living with us. I see a lot of posts here on the forum about GCs generally still being enmeshed with their PD parents and contributing to other siblings' misery. But does anyone have the experience of being the GC and also feeling like shit about the way they were raised? I was definitely completely enmeshed with my mum for a long time after my sister left. I was terrified of her and hated her, but also considered it my total responsibility to make her happy. Even now the recent aggression from her has thrown me off and made me feel incredibly guilty and stressed for a few days. How do you cope with it? Has anyone managed to repair relationships with their siblings after being the GC?

[Hazy111]

I think i may have been the GC  as my elder Sis i think was definitely the SG and i say developed BPD, (well you would if your uBPD mother spent her entire life negatively projecting onto you.)

As you know there is no real love to go round with PD parents. Forced teaming, abandonment, enmeshment , overly controlling of all emotions and the occasional rage outburst for the GC ( my mother had given up a son for adoption prior to her marrying my father, so my existence no doubt  triggered her shame ) I was left with a form of PD (schizoid/avoidant)  .

My sis thinks i was spoilt one,  cos i might i might have got better presents at Xmas etc.    But i also copped her belittling sarcasm and ridicule for most of my life motivated by her jealousy no doubt.  I  was living under  siege just like her.  I am now NC with her.

Unfortunately there cant be any understanding and insight  if the other sibling doesnt even accept there was a serious problem in our family.  "Hey Hazy, why dont you try some therapy again! "

It would mean her acceptance that she too may have been a victim of an appalling emotionally deprived childhood and that she too may have " issues" which she has  no doubt passed onto her children. (I see clearly how she splits with her children).. Best live in a total state of denial like most PD people and blame ( projection, gas light her victims ( children, brother , father friends etc ) and live in cliche.  " The past is another country , they do things differently there "  LP Hartley     I prefer  "Hell is other people " John Paul Sartre )

So to your question......No..... i think theres a lot of SGs that visit this site still raging with their GC siblings. The PD parents ideal outcome. Divide and rule.

[LemonLime]

Oh sophie I'm so glad you wrote.  I've been wanting to write a post similar to yours for a while, but frankly wasn't sure how to write it without offending anyone.  I've been worried because it feels like many people here on the forum were the SG and given that some understandably resent the GC sibling, I didn't know if I would come off as whining.  I didn't want to do that.

I was the GC in our family, and my sib the SG.  I will qualify that though.....my mom and dad are not PDs.  They're intelligent and kind but quite limited in the emotional intelligence department.  They were raised in circumstances that did not allow expression of emotion.   My M was raised by 2 alcoholics.  She is very sensitive to any sign of discord and cannot tolerate confrontation of any kind.  We were taught as kids to stay small, not take up a lot of space and that conflict was "bad".   Dad just stayed out of it unless arguments between me and sib or mom and sib got bad and then he would yell and everyone went to their separate corners.

It was clear from early on that sib overwhelmed my mom, as sib is a strong-willed person and always has been.  Not easily soothed, had lots of her own ideas.  I think M felt like a bad mom because of sib, and M likely subconsciously blamed sib for the conflict in their relationship.   Then I came along and was an "easy" kid which of course made mom feel like a good mom, and sib feel resentful.   M did not do a good job acknowledging sib's (or my) unique personality and seeing us for who we are.   I was deemed "easy and compliant' and sib "rebellious and negative".   Not fair to either of us.  And so it went....sib got more and more negative and was a rebellious teen.   I stayed "easy" and neat and got good grades, etc.   Hard to know now if that was just my personality or if I knew I wanted to be the "good"one.  Mom did sometimes confide in me how much of a challenge sib was, and like you although I was sort of uncomfortable about it I felt sort of honored she trusted me with that info.  She shouldn't have done it, and should have turned to Dad or a therapist or a friend to vent to.   I did not needle my sister....mostly I stayed mute and kept my head low.  I was indeed enmeshed with M til my mid-30's.   But I was not mean to my sister.  Just distant, because I could feel the resentment she had for me.   It was clear.   To mom and dad, and to my friends.  They could see it.

Once I got un-enmeshed with mom, sib and I became friends.   She ostensibly "made up" with mom in her 20s.  But I could always feel a simmering resentment toward me and every once in a while she would strike out at me with a sarcastic remark, or "tease" me about things.....for instance, I am naturally more "endowed" than she is.   I never once felt superior in any way about that, and in fact wished I was smaller-chested.  So one day in our 30's she said something out of the blue about "at least MINE won't be saggy like yours are!" and then tried to play that off as a joke.  Most of the time, the comments were more subtle, but this one I remember.   I just stood there like a deer in the headlights, not knowing if I should try to go along with the joke or what.   I was confused and said nothing.

Sib also would say things about my mom to me.....for instance sib told me when I was pregnant that mom would be a terrible grandmother and would ruin my child.  This is not true and I knew it.....my mom is a really good grandma.  Sib always has something negative to say about almost anyone, and she loves to psychoanalyze people.

Crap hit the fan a few years ago when she raged at me (she'd done that so many times to my parents in the past) and refused to apologize or even acknowledge raging is wrong.   I gave her many chances to apologize and she didn't.   So I gradually went VLC, which is easy because she lives far away.   Her MO is to rage and then act like it never happened.  It's gaslighting, I finally have learned.  If anyone dares speak of the rage they are punished swiftly by her.  As in she snaps and rages at them again because in her mind this person "deserves it".

So that's the backstory.  You, sophie, had things much worse than I did.  I was not abused.  Just pigeon-holed to GC, which totally ignored the spectrum of my personality.  It also made my sib hate me.   So being GC sucked, just in a different way than SG.

I'm the youngest and I don't have that protective feeling for my sib you write about, but I know my sib as the oldest has it.   She has alluded several times to situations in which she feels she protected me as a child.  And she might have, but I was too little to remember.  I haven't out-and-out thanked her for it, because I didn't remember it. It was protection from getting spanked by a neighbor while sib and I were staying with them for a week.  Back in the 70s people spanked.   She seems to want me to be indebted to her for that and I guess I refuse to.  I don't remember it.

I have the mind that for the most part kids' behavior is largely a reflection of their parents' parenting, and therefore I don't hold my sib responsible for things she did to me when we were kids.   I can see how she grew resentful of my mom, and of me for being the "foil".   Without me her life may have been easier, but I didn't ask to be born.   So I forgive her for her behavior as a kid, and I'd like it if she forgave me.   I was emotionally distant, and I didn't necessarily stand up for her when mom and her were yelling at each other.   But wow....I was 3 years younger.  And enmeshed with mom of course.  Am I really expected to stand up for sib?   I just wanted to keep my head down.

As adults I feel we must take a higher road and try to better ourselves.  So I've done that through lots and lots of self-help and therapy.   I don't believe sib has done that.  So she remembers every little slight, every sideways glance of all years past.   She has so much built up that I'm afraid to have any conversation about our past for fear she will let loose all her resentments on me.  And I don't deserve that.   My point of view is that my sib has unfinished business with my mom (and maybe my dad).   She needs to have a conversation with them for closure.  It should be between my sib and my parents.  I should be the one NOT involved.  I was not perfect but I was a child.  I cannot be held responsible for not behaving as a mature adult when I was only a child.

I think my sib has a much easier time making me the bad guy, instead of making my parents the bad guys.  They are elderly and they help her financially.  So I'm guessing her rage is displaced to me.   

It wasn't your duty to protect your sibling when you were children.  I understand that there is a protective sense when you are the older child.  But your mom was abusive to both of you.   You cannot be held responsible.   Your sibling has no right to hold you responsible.   Adults should be able to look back at their childhoods and realize that adults are adults and children are children.   Children are not born evil.....it's always the adults' fault when they argue with their own kids.   It's squarely on your parents.  Not you.   I refuse to blame you or myself for what happened between our parents and our siblings.

So I do not have a happy ending to report in terms of my relationship with my sib.   I wish I did.   She has done no work on herself, my parents have done no work on themselves.   Just me.  It's like I've gotten therapy for all of us.   And that's not fair either, but it is what it is.   At least I'm free.

Please take it easy on yourself.   Your sister is not entirely well.   It would be nice if as an adult she could see things for what they are and to release you from responsibility.  But of course BPDs can't do that....that's the whole illness.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this. 

[Hazy111]

Lemonlime,, i read your post with interest. The way your sister treats you no matter what you do, you detect an undercurrent of resentment still, i can totally relate to.

I noted that you said your mom and dad are not PDs. But you admit to being the GC and your sister the SG.  PD parents "split" there children into "good " and bad". GC or SG.

[LemonLime]

Thanks for your reply Hazy.  I find that simmering resentment so hard to deal with.   It's vague and I feel like it's something that can't be resolved.  It's a no-win situation.

I should clarify re: my parents.  I have to say I was "GC" and sib was "SG" mostly because sib sees it that way.   I know my parents (mostly mom) found me easier to deal with.  I just had a sunnier and more compliant disposition.  My sister's personality was just different from mine, and I don't think my mom had a lot of success trying to hide her frustration with my sister.  I don't think my mom thought of my sib as bad, but I think my mom's helplessness in parenting my sibling was not well handled.  Ideally Mom would have seen that the irritation was due to her own helplessness, not due to some intrinsic fault of my sister.  So sib internalized that shame, and took her feelings of shame out on me.  At least that's what I think.
Sib feels that we had completely different experiences as kids in terms of my parents.   She feels I was totally spoiled.   Ironically,I am now seeing that she was never given any consequences to her rages or poor choices by my parents in spite of sib feeling victimized by my parents and me.  They never really parented her.   So she grew entitled and I'm sure is absolutely shocked that I have placed a boundary around myself.   I truly think she has never experienced that, and that is too bad.  I do fault my parents for that.
Luckily they are not PDs, just not very skilled parents.  I find that although I'm glad they're not PD and they don't blame me for distancing from sib, they aren't all that helpful to talk to.   They seem to be a lot more superficial and not-curious about our relationship.  I'm one that wants to figure things out, and I guess they just don't.

[Leonor]

Hi Lemon Lime,

I was absolutely the GC, and for a long time lived with survival guilt.

I thought I had it so much better than my stepsibs. My mom treated me like a little "her." My dad, on the few weekends I saw him, was much nicer to me than to his wife or other kids. I got a lot of negative energy and resentment from my siblings and step-parents, and I believed that in some way I deserved it, or it was understandable, or was in some sick way the least I could do for them. I told in them and felt bad for telling, got into fights with them and felt bad for hurting them, and made it "out" (I'm the only sibling to graduate from high school) and felt guilty for abandoning them. In fact, when I started coming out of my fog, I recalled instances of my siblings being abused well before remembering the same abuse I went through. And I know they thought of me as spoiled, know-it-all, sniveling little brat.

Now, there is a LOT if negative press around the GC out there. It's hard to share your story as a GC and not trigger the pain of the SG adult children. It's common to hear about how the SG has a better opportunity to heal, or has more insight or courage than the GC, or the GC will probably become a narcissist. I think this is indicative of just how hard it is to shake the narrative of the dysfunctional parent, that even specialists in family dysfunction still perpetuate these dysfunctional roles by vindicating the SG while dismissing the pain of the GC later in life.

But I say it all. the. time. The GC is treated the SAME WAY as the SG. My stepsiblings were neglected and so was I. My stepsiblings were raged at and so was I. My stepsiblings were molested and so was I.

The only difference is that the parents tell the kids that one is treated differently than the other. It's just a story. It's the brainwashing. It's Stockholm Syndrome times thousands. It's the same tactics used in totalitarian societies and torture camps. There are good and bad prisoners, good and bad authority figures, just consequences for behavior. It's being abused and making you watch other little kids being abused and then being told that you were not abused but your siblings deserved it.

How €#@&@ up is that?

Here's the thing. I was a little girl. Little! Of course I believed whatever my mommy told me, or liked getting a hug from my daddy. Of course I wanted to be good and loved, and if that's how I was taught to be loved, I did it. Of course I believed that the adults in my life knew better, and they must have had rules that made sense. I wasn't a stupid child. I could see what happened when a child didn't follow the rules, and I was told that I was treated "better" because I was following the rules.

And so of course I took all the bad and scary things that happened to me, and all the things I saw that seemed unfair, or the times I saw my parents rageful or drunk or just "off", and tucked them away into a little corner of my brain, never to be disturbed.

And of course I couldn't handle it any better than my siblings. I drank and smoked and did drugs and slept around and hurt myself just like they did. And yes, I got busted like they did. But then my parents acted like nothing had happened.

That wasn't a good thing. I didn't feel awesome or superior. It was like I was in a nightmare, where you're screaming for someone to wake you up and no words are coming out of your mouth. Plus, what happened when we did make enough noise to get noticed? Our parents would ship us off to the other parent's house. So my choices were creepy stepdad and ice queen mom, or drunk dad and resentful step mom. I mean, at least my mom pretended to care about me.

Today, as adults, we all have choices. We can choose to acknowledge our pain and put the responsibility where it belongs, on our dysfunctional, abusive parents (a little abusive, btw, is abusive), or stay in the role because the alternative (realizing our parents did not love any of us, and will not, no matter what we do or how we behave) is too painful.

We have to drop the story! The "my parents didn't love me as much as my sibling" story, the "well they're not so bad as all that" story, the "I feel bad they were so nice to me and mean to them" story. There's no healing in good guys vs bad guys. There's no healing in the story.

There's only healing in the truth, in our truth.

[Hazy111]

Leonor , wow  just wow

What brilliant insight, a story well told. One particular highlight  ;

Today, as adults, we all have choices. We can choose to acknowledge our pain and put the responsibility where it belongs, on our dysfunctional, abusive parents (a little abusive, btw, is abusive), or stay in the role because the alternative (realizing our parents did not love any of us, and will not, no matter what we do or how we behave) is too painful.

We have to drop the story! The "my parents didn't love me as much as my sibling" story, the "well they're not so bad as all that" story, the "I feel bad they were so nice to me and mean to them" story. There's no healing in good guys vs bad guys. There's no healing in the story.

There's only healing in the truth, in our truth.

I think part of the problem for many SGs is that they still hold onto a belief  "that if only the PG wasnt there i would have been treated differently, better " Thereby victim blaming, so prevalent in our culture and still unconsciously siding with the PD parent, just like many GCs do, ( who still unaware of their own abuse ) and cling to mom and dad and their views for the crumbs of parental approval.  I dont cos i was well aware of the dysfunctional nature of my parents from my late teens onwards.

The real problem isnt the presence of the GC. The problem is as you so ably put it is our parents, they didnt love us unconditionally, never did, never will. Just as their parents never loved them. Noboby won. We were all abused.  That reality is too painful, as you say. To quote someone intelligent , (cant remember their name) " Humans can bare only so much reality. "

[Cat of the Canals]

I do think I was somewhat of the GC as a child. My younger brother wasn't exactly an SG... but PDmom didn't try so hard to enmesh with him the way she did with me. He was free to have crushes on girls, choose the clothes he liked and the things he was interested in without her micromanaging everything. Back then, I thought that made him the the GC.

I slowly lost GC status around the time I left for college. I think it was a crisis point for my mother... she puts a LOT of stock in academic performance and achievement, so she had to let me go (me not going to college would have been akin to me robbing a liquor store or something), but boy did she resent that I would finally have a shred of independence. My brother gladly picked up the GC role. He has chosen to live about 15 minutes from my parents and is definitely somewhat enmeshed with them.

Thankfully, my brother isn't PD, and we have a decent relationship. Things can get a little sticky whenever I try to discuss my mother's issues, so I've learned to mostly avoid the topic and stick with simple Medium Chill responses when he complains about her directly. (If I agree with him, he does a 180 and gets suddenly defensive of her.)

I don't feel guilty, even though my brother has periodically expressed envy over certain things I "got" that he didn't when we were kids. He thinks the extra attention meant I was favored. But being GC didn't feel good. It felt like I was trapped. I do feel bad that he can't really see our childhood for what it was. Or his current enmeshment for what it is. He still somewhat believes the lie. That makes me sad.

[sophierhj]

Thank you so much for everyone's replies. I can see when reading back over my initial post that I have some things to work through with my therapist. Leonor I really appreciated your straightforward explanation of the dynamics at play in a family that splits children like that. I am obviously still carrying a lot of guilt but also resentment about the fact that my sister carries resentment for me, if that makes sense.

I also realised after spending the weekend thinking about it that I am not able to give a clear explanation as to why my sister and my dad are LC with me. This triggers one of my core fears that I am somehow like my mother. She would also claim that she has no idea why the rest of my family won't speak to her, but everyone else knows exactly why. I am afraid that I am somehow not willing to face up to the "missing reasons" for why I am shunned by most of my family. I think I have to accept that coming from a dysfunctional family means some of my fam are going to feel resentful at me for things, but it doesn't mean I am abusive.

I appreciated the clarity around how PD parents set siblings up against each other. I have never felt close to my sister our whole lives, and I think a lot of this is to do with the fact that our parents played us off against each other and alienated us from the other. I'm guessing I'm going to have to work on accepting the relationship I have with my sister going forward. It involves some grief that we may never have the close bond I see other people have with their sisters, but I guess that is one of the many things you lose out on when you are raised with PD parents.

But overall just wanted to say thank you for everyone's insight, I really appreciate it.

[IntoTheLight]

Hi sophierhj,

I just want to add that being the GC is not something to envy. Someone I know was the GC her whole life, but was not able to lead her own life. Always taking care of the parents. And I see the same thing in my own family. I can go NC or LC with my parents but my GC sister feels obligated to go there at least once a week.

[Pepin]

My brother was the GC and I was the SG.  When I moved out and NF discarded me, my brother became NF's target.  Devastating.  My brother and I have had some bumps over the years as he wrestled with the downfall but we are more or less on the same page.  He saw the dysfunction well after I did but didn't know what to do because he had always been on a pedestal.  NF was a terrific manipulator.  What we see now however is that our sister who more or less kept a low profile may have been the back up GC the entire time.  She has been quietly evolving into the next generation of narcissist and this is scary and demoralizing for my brother and I. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I also realised after spending the weekend thinking about it that I am not able to give a clear explanation as to why my sister and my dad are LC with me. This triggers one of my core fears that I am somehow like my mother. She would also claim that she has no idea why the rest of my family won't speak to her, but everyone else knows exactly why. I am afraid that I am somehow not willing to face up to the "missing reasons" for why I am shunned by most of my family. I think I have to accept that coming from a dysfunctional family means some of my fam are going to feel resentful at me for things, but it doesn't mean I am abusive.

This is purely anecdotal, but usually that "I don't know why no one will speak it me" is a load of crap. PDs have often been told quite bluntly what the problem is, but they feign ignorance because they are rarely willing to admit the hurt they've caused others.

This is completely different to how you've described about yourself. You've actually tried to summon reasons for your dad and sister being LC with you: I get the impression that it is because I didn't stick up for her those last couple of years.

No PD I know would EVER offer up a genuine reason themselves. If they are even willing to repeat what they've been told, it would be sarcastic and waify: "Oh, guess I'm a *horrible person* and a *terrible sister* because I never stuck up for her. BUT NO ONE EVER STUCK UP FOR ME EITHER!" (Cue a meltdown where YOU end up comforting the PD.) Add to the fact that you feel remorse over how things went, and it sounds to me like the problem here lies with your sister. Especially with how you describe the way she treats you when you spend time together.

I also cry foul over this "hinting" she and your dad do. It sounds awfully manipulative to me. If she's still upset at what happened when you were younger, then she is entirely capable of saying something about it. "Hey, I have a lot of pent-up resentment over our childhood. I was really hurt when XYZ." This is what mature adults do. The fact that they instead seem to want to keep you in a constant state of suspense raises red flags. I would go so far as to say they don't want to resolve it, because they'd rather have this *mysterious thing* you've supposedly done to hold over your head.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're in this position. Having a PD in the family often means the other relationships end up tainted as well, which sucks.

[sophierhj]

Thank you so much for validating my feelings around my family, Cat of the canals. You are spot on with the assessment of how the PD parent claims she doesn't know why people don't talk to her. I have sometimes wondered whether she perhaps truly can't remember, since she's never given any hint that she even thinks about how she treated us in the past. Regardless, I know she would be absolutely unwilling to hear what behaviour led to her being cut off from the rest of the family.

I also appreciate your take on how my dad and sister behave. In my more lucid moments I feel this way as well - that things are being held against me without giving me a chance to make amends or be understood. I want to hold myself accountable and be accountable to others I have hurt, but I do think sometimes I just end up taking on my old role as emotional punching bag, because it's easier for everyone and no one else in the immediate family is a fan of taking responsibility for anything.

I also relate to what intothelight said about how GC isn't a great position to be in anyway. I moved to the other side of the world away from my family in my early 20s and thank god I did. Prior to moving I used to have to have dinner with my mum every week. Hated it, but it was very effective in keeping me enmeshed and seeking her approval constantly.
Even with living so far away it has taken me years to go back to therapy and start to untangle the dynamics of my family and how I still play into them, even from thousands of kilometers away!

[IntoTheLight]

I also relate to what intothelight said about how GC isn't a great position to be in anyway. I moved to the other side of the world away from my family in my early 20s and thank god I did. Prior to moving I used to have to have dinner with my mum every week. Hated it, but it was very effective in keeping me enmeshed and seeking her approval constantly. Even with living so far away it has taken me years to go back to therapy and start to untangle the dynamics of my family and how I still play into them, even from thousands of kilometers away!

Being the GC seems better than being the SG, but it's not. We are all victims. I used to envy my sister, but now I see clearly how she still tries to get validation and in a way it breaks my heart to see her do that. But until she is ready to accept what happened, she is never going to break free. I am glad you are untangling the dynamics. That is true progress.