Games ramped up when I'm ill or am I crazy

[ClubHallelujah]

I've been through a lot this year and let's just say it would lead most to a period of ill health. I've experienced the works - extreme anxiety and some depression.

I suspected my SO was uPD in the beginning - there were loads of red flags - how quickly the relationship moved, "all my exes are crazy", the info he gave away about how his ex left (and what others told me), threatening suicide when I suggested things weren't working, backhanded compliments, cheating on his ex and the triangulation across social media ... the list goes on.

We've been together close to a decade and I'm a shadow of my former self - he doesn't like my tone, I'm unwell or neurotic if I talk about issues, same roundabout circular arguments that never reach a solution and major financial decisions made without my input.

Since being signed off work the games have ramped up - things going missing, contraception being tampered with, manufacturing jealousy, trying to diagnose me with a serious psychotic illness, feeding my anxieties and telling me I'm 'not myself' if I try to talk about problems. I finally left and am now in a position where I can't live in my own house or drive the car I'm jointly paying off.

Is it me? Am I crazy? Or is this abuse? I've never felt like this before. He has never been violent or directly insulting - it's always implied in things he says and I'm, "over- reading"

[escapingman]

You are not the crazy one and you are not "over-reading", this is typical PD behaviour. You already pointed out the red flags so you are aware. My STBX uNPDw always insults me and makes fun of me, sometimes very covert and sometimes overt. But every time I have said something about it she either 1) Deny she said it completely, 2) Telling me she was only joking, 3) Telling me I am to sensitive or 4) a combination of all 3.

Stay strong and trust your instincts.

[Justanotherlostgirl]

I think it's really common in these type of situations to question yourself, or if the things are happening/are real, or even if you are the abuser/ PD. I've personally had all of those feelings.

You aren't crazy. You've identified PD behaviors. Don't question leaving. I am at that point now where I question myself all the time.

Was it really that bad? He's acting fine now. Maybe I was exaggerating? Maybe I just made him that way. Etc etc.

It sounds like you know logically exactly who he is. Believe yourself. It's one of the greatest gifts you will ever give you. It will help you to move forward when you accept everything he has done and acknowledge that this is who he is. He can't change. He won't. For one, he likely doesn't want to, he gets supply from it. Secondly, he actually can't. It is very very unlikely for most PD's to change their behavior (BPD have more successes than others. NPD's have limited success, those with ASPD, basically none). You left for you, and I hope you continue to give yourself the gift of freedom. Be gentle to yourself. Let yourself have the truth and let it be a part of you and a great lesson. Not everyone gets the chance to learn about this in this life, and I think I'm many ways, it makes us non PD's better people than we were even though now I'm sure it's all so confusing.

Congrats on leaving!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Congrats on leaving.

I read in one of the books I read, that it takes awhile to learn how to trust yourself, to settle into a new "normal".

You've been traumatized.

I realize how my husband (can't wait to say "ex") took advantage of all of my strengths - my compassion, love, loyalty, strong worth ethic, sense of family....he was able to use all this to his advantage. 

I'm on the path of healing, it's hard, but I feel a little better each week.  Rediscovering who I am is awesome.

Good Luck to you.

[clara]

Right now it may feel like you have nothing, but in time you'll realize how much you actually gained.

When you've spent so much time with a toxic person, leaving them can be like moving to another country where you don't speak the language.  You feel you have to start from scratch, and it can be daunting and dispiriting and you don't know if you'll ever adapt or if you should just move back to toxic town.

You've seen all the signs and you've interpreted them correctly.  You don't trust your own judgement because you just spend a decade with someone who's been telling you you have no judgement to make.  You've spent a decade with someone who's been gaslighting you, who's been dragging various tricks out of the PD arsenal.   It helps to adjust your expectations about yourself, to admit that things are going to be confusing and complicated for awhile, even perhaps kind of a mess, because you're human and reacting normally.   And you're going to be okay because you took care of yourself. 

[Gettintired76]

Oh escape me and you should get together sometime and exchange flash cards! Anyway hallelujah like everyone said no you are not the crazy or wrong one and it took me years to convince myself of that, you are not over reading . In the words of Doc.Phil "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck..... it's not a cow.... It's a duck." You are very brave for finally breaking free, amazingly mine ran me away so the break up itself was effortless, but she seems to refuse to let go even tho she said repeatedly she has. Continue to take care of yourself get the help you need to get as much of yourself back as anyone can, God Bless and prayers your way.