holiday triggers start at Halloween

[lindentree]

Low contact/grey rock with my NBPDm. Live 8 hours away and have for almost a decade. Thankful for every holiday with my family of choice that is stress- and drama-free! Who knew that was possible?  Just to enjoy life and the holidays!

I knew something could be brewing recently because Her Majesty the Queen I mean my mother, called me twice this week. She only calls when there's drama or to talk about herself and rarely does because I think she feels rejected when no one picks up. I didn't pick up either time because life was going on without her negativity (I have two small children) and I knew it wouldn't be good for my mental health. But she didn't text or leave voicemail so that was nonverbal cues that - who knows - she was lonely, depressed, mad at me, etc. I'm committed to only calling back (I have chosen to be LC right now, not NC) when my DH is around b/c she's less likely to FOG me.

Well today we call briefly on the way home from church and right away I can tell she's sad/depressed/lonely and is sucking me in to get her pity and attention. I stay grey rock, brief, and positive. Her husband (my stepfather) had been out of town and who knows why else she was "down" - her PD obviously strains her friendships, she's a workaholic who can't seem to stop striving and yet complains about her job (they're quite wealthy, could retire already), relationship with my sister and her family (local) is often strained and while she was invited to go spend Halloween with that grandkid she brought up drama from past years. Drama can also just be that everything didn't revolve around her and my sister might have had healthy boundaries.

This evening my adorable kids had a blast trick-or-treating, we enjoyed seeing our friends and neighbors and are now having a cozy family night. I'm so thankful for my family of choice and that we can break with the generational trauma of PD, toxicity, depression, etc. I refuse to take responsiblity for my mother's life decisions. If she is going to throw herself a pity party because she has estranged relationship with family and friends, that is not my problem. But I'm writing here because the FOG is knocking at the door.

Looking for any encouragement about holidays, family traditions, etc. and not letting the FOG creep in.

[SunnyMeadow]

To me it sounds like you're doing a great job not letting the drama and stress get to you! I like your boundaries of calling her back only when your dh is around. Refusing to take responsibility for your mother's life decisions is a big deal, it shows you see her for what she is and you have the strength to protect yourself. I'm impressed that you see this so clearly. I was trained to "take care of my mother" and I wish I had known she isn't my responsibility when my children were younger so I could have distanced my family from her. Moving 8 hours away a decade ago seems like one of the smartest things you could do. I lived much too close to my mother and I wish I would have been several time zones away.

I used to jump in to soothe her frazzled nerves years ago. We'd go to lunch and talk about her troubles and I would be like an unpaid counselor. I was in my late 40s when I found this website. It was only when reading posts here that I realized, she made these awful decisions to dump everyone in her life and now she faces the consequences, so... too bad, so sad for her. She's a fully grown woman acting horribly to people, what would she expect would happen to her relationships?

Her Majesty the Queen is a perfect description, my mother used to love being like the Queen of the family. When people would come over, she'd look down on us all and go on and on, about her! Me, me, me and throw in some gossip and politics no one wants to hear about especially the young grandchildren.

I like that you don't feel the need to pick up the phone immediately. You mention nonverbal cues, I totally get it. I still have a need to jump when she calls so I can get it over with and get back to my calm life. I'm glad you're writing here because of the FOG. Holidays are a big stressor for me too. Much less now that I don't have little children and she can't play Grandma but it's still an issue for me.

The thing I've been doing around the holidays is give a brief statement then deflect and change the subject.

Her: Holidays are so different now, it's just not the same 
Me: Yes, the kids are making their own holidays now.
Her: But they should be coming to your house every holiday and making time to see me.
Me: They get to make their own way now. ... did you hear we are supposed to get rain on Wednesday? 
Her: Yes I did and of course it's going to rain on the ONE day I want to get my hair done at the salon! 

I'd love to hear how others deal with the FOG of the holidays too. In your case, I'd keep on enjoying the distance your have from her and plan fun holiday things without giving her too much thought. They aren't giving us too much thought beyond what we can do for them. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Well done sticking to your boundaries and enjoying the holiday with your family!

My husband claimed he hated the holidays for many years because of my PDmil. Only recently, when we started setting aside our own holiday time, has he suddenly turned into Mr. Holiday. Last year he literally begged me to put the Christmas tree up early.    He's already talking excitedly about Thanksgiving.

I never hated the holidays myself, but this post has made me realize I do have some holiday triggers. One of them is that I staunchly REFUSE to do any sort of long-distance travel over the holidays. I thought it was purely practical until I considered that we used to take a big trip to my grandmother's house (the original Queen) every Christmas, and trip = huge fight for my parents. I struggle to think of a family vacation that wasn't ruined or tainted by their stupid arguments.

It sounds to me like you've got some pretty solid boundaries going. Not answering the phone if you're not up to talking and even making it a "family call" so you don't get cornered by yourself are both very smart. At the end of the day, always trust your gut! Halloween is my absolute FAVORITE holiday. I almost called PDmom yesterday because I was in such a good mood, but I stopped myself. Today is just as good, and I won't run the risk of spoiling a special day with an extra dose of FOG.

I have felt a little bad for my MIL in the past, since she really has no social life. (Pdmom is a social butterfly type, so she always has something to do.) But the reality is, PDmil is a selfish, miserable, judgmental person. If she wants people to WANT to spend time with her, all she has to do is be polite. She's capable of it, but with the people closest to her, she chooses not to. In her mind, she can say whatever nasty thing she wants to her family, and they have to put up with it. And well... you reap what you sow. 

[Pepin]

You are correct that it is the season of hoovering  through mid February at least. 

These people are trying to play us into feeling sentimental and how they can insert themselves.   

What they want is control and to do things their way without regard for new traditions being set.   

Must we always do things their way and with them?    

My anxiety has already kicked into overdrive - ok, it started back in September.  I brace myself every year to se how DPDmil will fit herself into our plans and how DH will handle it.  He has no balls to date.  I'll just be ignoring her as usual.  You are blessed to have an 8 hour time difference as my DPDmil lives local (our mistake).  I think you got this as annoying as it is!