Ruminating

[Hepatica]

I am struggling with breakthrough thinking that comes on at bedtime. I will fall asleep and wake and have that nervous feeling in my stomach, like when you go over a hill fast in a car, or a rollercoaster. It wakes me and I begin immediately into rumination about wanting to fix the negative family situation. I feel like I'm being attacked by FOG. It is SO hard to push it away. I keep thinking it's all my inability to go with the flow and allow my FOO their flaws. It is like I've gone into a relapse of doubt.

Part of it feels like this is okay because I am not perfect, so perhaps I need to look at the role I play in all of this. I mean, how could I grow up in dysfunction and not come out with fleas? Another part is freaking out about the funeral and knowing I will be looked at very judgementally by family members while my sister will shine in her golden child brilliance. She's been very active with my elderly parents, helping them with everything, the very dutiful, engaged daughter to two, old frail people.

I also go over other things, like some of my old friends who I have distanced from - examining my place in the fault lines.

How do I get back onside with myself? I've been picking up an old Al-Anon daily reader and devouring pages of it. I am trying to let go and let my higher power take these thoughts and accept that I cannot control many of the elements of my situation, other than how I behave. Sometimes I just completely blank as to why I am so disengaged from my FOO and why I've made the decisions I've made.

It's really up for me right now and I'm feeling anxious even during the day.

Help? Any advice on how to manage rumination? How to let go and trust I've made the right decision for me?

[Hazy111]

Their opinions do not matter.. I wouldnt even go...i wont be going to my fathers funeral as i know i am the bad son who went NC and my sis will be the dutiful daughter. Lions Den no thanks!

[moglow]

Hepatica, does their perception (or opinions) change who you are? More to the point (as my brother once asked me), have they ever been there for you when you were in need? Have they helped lighten the load or only added to it?

I ask because when my brother asked me, I was stunned into silence. I realized not only was my family aware of the abuse, but they protected mother with their silence. I know they were wary of setting her off, but it certainly did us no favors by letting it appear everything was okay. Silence implied compliance, then and now.

No I couldn't change anyone but myself, but looking at it from that angle helped me reframe my own behavior going forward. Me being myself wasnt/isn't wrong, any more than it is for anyone else. BUT I learned to let go of my expectations and the opinions of others. And it helped me stop at least some of my judgements.

Time has been my friend - and not. All of mother's FOO has left this world, she's the sole survivor. Her treatment of us and extended family members isn't the big forbidden secret it used to be. Funerals aren't my fear anymore. I've realized I'm not answerable to anyone but myself and I can be a harsh taskmaster!

[moglow]

Practically speaking, journaling has helped me work through some of it. Something about stream of consciousness writing has a way of releasing things I didn't know were there (or at least never dared look at before). If nothing else it helped me put it down until "later." Just a thought, if you're not doing it already.

[1footouttadefog]

I find that for me when I am clear about where I am heading I am less apt to spend time looking back.

When I do get hung up in ruminating about the past, failed or ended or drifted away relationships etc, it usually accompanies a period when I find myself getting behind on things and feeling overwhelmed, and less confident.

I am not sure which comes first. 

I know that when this happens I often stay in this place longer than I should.  When I get sick of being in a rut and feeling overwhelmed and at the edges of considering myself incompetent or a failure or other such negative things, I then, at some point, get angry about things and decide to take my life and brain (thinking) back.

I tend to do an analysis of my goals and whether they are working for me.  I try to determine if I am spinning my wheels in some areas.  I then start claiming territory in my life and home etc.

I recently went through a bad spell with my pdh's health both mental and physical.  This took alot of time and energy away from my other jobs and I am terribly behind where I would like to be in projects, work,repairs, hobbies and self care and fitness.

Just this weekend I decided to take back some territory, and to heck with some of the outside expectations on my time.  I cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, cabinet fronts, windows, walls baseboards appliances etc etc.  Not that I had not been doing the basics but things like cleaning behind fridge and the windows on outside had been neglected. I could not open the windows because there were spiders between screens and the glass etc.   I even repaired the screens with new material.  None of these are huge big deals but collectively they made me feel bad.  My kitchen looks and smells better and the windows are clean just in time for fall colors and brilliant blue skies. 

The next day I took some time to clean/vaccuum and detail the inside outside of my car.  I also took a bike ride on a railtrail.  Today I cleaned up another car. 

We are all different but for me being behind on things like that brings on negative thinking and dredges up memories of feeling inadequate etc.  Since most of those feelings are tied to memories of being around pds I can at times ruminate over the interactions with them.  Fortunately most are now out of my life so there are not new or fresh memories of recent interactions so this had decreased over time to less and less strong memories or feelings.

I also made a couple lunch dates, and scheduled a camping trip.  When I am happily busy and have things to look forward to I look back less.

I hope you find what works for you soon. 

[Sapling]

Dear Hepatica,

My heart goes out to you. Funerals are difficult and it sounds like you're (understandably) experiencing anxiety about going there and seeing your FOO. It's not surprising that you might lapse into old self-protective coping mechanisms like doubting or blaming yourself for things that were out of your control (eg. "I keep thinking it's all my inability to go with the flow and allow my FOO their flaws.").

You asked "How do I get back onside with myself?" and I think reaching out on here as well as picking up the 12-step literature is a great way of doing that. If you haven;t been to a meeting in a while, showing up to a meeting might help. It could help to also address the physiological symptoms of the anxiety by doing things like: having a long warm shower/bath, having a cup of tea, colouring in or painting, going for a walk with a friend, getting a massage if possible, other exercise like swimming or cycling or even stretching.

This might not apply to you but I have sometimes gone into self-blame (but tried to dress it up as self-reflection) when I've felt out of control with my FOO. Sometimes blaming myself or holding myself accountable for  too much can give me a false sense of control. If there's some mistake/fault on my part then there's something I can fix! So, for me, if I am thinking about my part in things I try to talk through that with a friend or with my T just to make sure I am self-reflecting rather than sneakily self-blaming. I hope that makes sense.

Finally, I just wanted to say, Hepatica, you have so much courage and heart. You will get through this. Your anxiety at a time like this is completely understandable. There's no shame in reaching out to a GP or T if you need extra support as you go through this difficult time. Sending you a big hug and wishing you strength and some ease on the other side of this funeral 

[FlowerPot]

Hepatica just to say I am so sorry to hear you are struggling - I just popped on the forum to post about a problem I have and realised that so many of us are in the same pickle - take care of yourself, I hope things improve   

[Boat Babe]

Hi Hepatica. Sucks doesn't it? Big hugs my dear.

Try Kristin Neff's self compassion break , applying it to the rumination, as it happens. It works for me, interrupting the rumination there and then. Depending on how deep in it I am, I may have to do it every 10 minute for a bit, but it does break that circuit. Let us know if it works for you too.

[pianissimo]

Lately, I have learned about emotional dysregulation. It helped me to focus on my emotions instead of the thoughts that come from them. Apparently some emotions come with thought patterns. So, instead of paying attention to thoughts, I pay attention to how bad I'm feeling. This prompts me to take care of myself too. It isn't a fix though, you end up feeling bad instead of fixating on thoughts related to the feelings. It's a way to manage it. Also, in my case, I kept having certain ideas, but, it helped me to know they are part of my dysregulated emotional state. I was able to not pay attention to the thoughts. They faded over time.

[1footouttadefog]

Pianissimo,

You out into words part of what I experience, and was trying to describe in previous posts. 

I have emotions that are associated with thoughts and memories.  I try to address the emotion and not the other, and moving forward that way gives me a future outlook that does not have to include the memories from past. 

[pianissimo]

1footouttadefog

Cleaning looked like a grounding activity when I read it. It's also self-care.

It's quite interesting how memories and feelings from the past affect how we think today.  I always thought I was quite a rational person even in those states. "Not feeling well" looks different than what I assume it does.

Hope you are feeling better Hepatica.