Holding boundaries

[Breadroll]

Recent Request by friend who is in touch with family  of ex's " new parter " .  Briefly explained that they were worried about her - losing weight and not keeping in touch, they have split up several times etc etc and would I have a chat ( with my friend).  I had to say no- just can't.  Without detail, this person was having affair and then assisted ex in just awful post separation behavior... too idenitifying to go into.   Oddly, and 😧  I felt some compassion, but  my main reason  saying no, was just - can't go there. For my own stability, and not letting it take headspace again.  There's no way that my perceived or real involvement in any way could ever be a good thing. Just no.
Think I managed to hold a boundary.

[bloomie]

Breadroll - you surely did hold a boundary. And you made healthy, life affirming decisions for yourself. How important to know yourself, trust yourself, and keep on keeping on! BRAVO!!!

[Breadroll]

Thanks Bloomie- still struggling in other areas - but relieved to be able to do this 😎

[Simon]

Well done Breadroll.
That's huge.
You should be very proud.
It's difficult not to want to warn the new supply, or to want some validation by facing them, but you're right not to go there, or as you perfectly put it, let it take headspace again.

And I can relate to what you're saying about their new partner.
My BPD ex gf lives close to me, but I've only walked passed her half a dozen times in the last 2 years, but her new guy, who also lives nearby, I've passed many times.
He looks drawn, has put on a lot of weight, and for someone who was always a cheerful person, looks so miserable.
I often think it's only a matter of time before he contacts me, asking me questions to try and make sense of things, and for the last 2 years I've told myself that if he did, my phrase would be "I'm not getting involved.", and would not say any more than that.
But....occasionally, I think to myself "Well, if he does get in touch, maybe I should just tell him to look up BPD/NPD, Narcissistic Abuse, or maybe point him in the direction of a good YouTube video", but thankfully, I soon come back to my senses.

If I did get involved that way, I know for a fact that a week or two later, they would have made up again (they split up a lot too), he would have told her about my "help", and I would be their common enemy.
I've read many stories where that has happened, and it's precisely why I have gone 100% no contact with both of them.
Whatever goes on in their relationship, I want no part in it, because I will only be used as a scapegoat when it all implodes.

Hope I'm as strong as you were when the time comes.

[Boat Babe]

The more I do this work, the more important boundaries become.  I think healing and good boundaries go hand in hand. It's not easy at first, but the real difficulty in boundary setting is our own fear, not the other person's reaction/response.

About a year ago uPDxbf created havoc where he lives and the police were involved. Through mutual friends he asked that I make a statement about the other people involved.  I immediately said no as the last thing I wanted was to get involved and the fracas would have been entirely his fault. I was quite proud of that one!

So well done Breadroll, you protected yourself big time. 👏👏👏

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you did not sink back into the more.

It's so tkstramtenon many levels that you were contacted by this person.  It's as if non of the negative dynamics exist.  Wow. 

I hope your ex finds her best path forward bit it does not have to involve you. 

[Hattie]

I was actually contacted by my ex's new GF to ask if he had been abusive to me as he was being abusive to her... I thought hard about whether to reply and even called a domestic violence hotline to seek advice. The told me that my primary responsibility was not to get tangled up with my ex again, so I decided to stay out of it. I was also really angry with her as she and my ex were having an affair behind my back for months, so part of me thought it was payback.

Two years later and I don't regret it. I think you have done the right thing.

[Worthy of Care]

Well done, Breadroll.