Mediation

[Lauren17]

Where I live, the judge orders mediation prior to a trial. Mine is coming up.
Any advice?

[pushit]

Just a couple of quick recommendations - I'd make sure you are represented by an attorney, it helps to have them there to explain the legal ramifications of things.  My lawyer was a great help in that sense.  Also, you should have the mediation be the style where you are in two separate rooms.  That worked well for me.  The mediator came into my room and discussed their offer, we would send her back into exPDw's room with our counter offer.  No reason to sit in the same room with a person that wants to intimidate and bully you.  You'll think more clearly without them present.

[Boat Babe]

Given that PDs are predictable, and you know your one, make a list of things he's likely to say, behaviours he might present, other shit you might expect from him.  Then plan how you will respond so as to stand in your truth, with clarity and courage.  I have read here to never make accusations of mental instability or PDs; you only talk about his behaviours, what he did and why this divorce is absolutely necessary to your wellbeing. Lastly, practice calming yourself, big time. Chances are you'll be feeling very anxious up to and including during the mediation, which won't help you and would probably give him a shot of supply. Check out Polyvagal breathing and self soothing touch asap. That shit works!

Good luck.

[Stillirise]

First, have low expectations that mediation will be successful, but prepare like it's an important exam, anyway.  The prep you do now will pay off, even if you end up in court.

Make an outline for yourself, of topics to be covered, and your wants and needs for each. Organize your documents and materials, based on your outline.  Spend some time drilling down to what your bottom line is in each area, and be prepared to hold your ground on that.  Have some things you are willing to negotiate on in your back pocket, so that you seem agreeable, and willing to compromise.  Be willing, if necessary, to give in on some things that may hurt a little, but aren't on your bottom line.  Don't show all your cards up front, because then you can't negotiate down.  Take notes, when being presented with options from the other side.  Your mind can quickly skate over details that might help you negotiate a counter.

This may sound silly, but rehearse.  Practice being calm and rational.  Practice saying out loud some rote responses, like, "I will have to take that idea into consideration. Let's circle back to that later," "That is not a workable solution for me," or "My perspective differs on the facts regarding that." Do some mental exercises based on what you know about the PD, of the buttons you expect to be pushed.  Practice your reactions.

I brought a glass of iced mint tea into the conference room with me.  Anytime I felt anxious, or pressured to answer something, I calmly paused to take a drink.  I used that as a cue to focus, and prepare my thoughts, without seeming lost or confused.  Then, when things were really tense, I excused myself for a bathroom break—all that tea—and composed myself in private.  You may want a "prop," of some other type, or not.

While you may not reach a settlement in mediation, it will give you a chance to see what the priorities are on the other side.  It can also give you the chance to shape that you are rational, pleasant, but not a push over, and willing to negotiate where necessary.  If you end up in court, you will want to project that same attitude.

In my case, I believe I ended up looking super prepared, calm and reasonable, while my updxh looked deranged at times, and totally unprepared.  We didn't settle at mediation, but nearly a year later, he came around to settling out of court, to an agreement that was almost exactly where we were at the end of mediation.  At the very least, I think his lawyer realized after mediation, he didn't want to put us both in front of a judge.

Best wishes!!

[Penny Lane]

I'd echo everything that everyone else says. Especially the point about having it in two different rooms if possible and rehearsing what you're going to say.

DH's experience was much like Stillirse's. They didn't come to an agreement in mediation, but his proposal in mediation ended up being the backbone of their final settlement agreement. I think that basically BM needed to come around to thinking it was her idea.

To that point, don't expect or really hope for a final agreement. But come prepared to negotiate anything and everything that he's willing to. Who knows, you might come to some agreement around the edges. That would be an amazing victory.

Most importantly, don't get emotional - in fact, the goal is that he doesn't know what your sticking points are or aren't, but that you learn his sticking points.

[Lauren17]

Thanks for the words of wisdom.
I have an attorney. We've spent time coordinating.
The mediation will be via teleconference. And in separate "rooms." So those boxes all ticked.
I've done my brainstorming. I've outlined my points and what I'm willing to settle on.
Already familiar with self soothing touch. The polyvagal breathing looks helpful, too!
I'm still edgy.
Has anyone read One Moms Battle? She said she treats mediation like a job interview for a position  doesn't really want. It's good practice, but don't worry too much about the outcome. So I'm  trying that approach.
Wish me luck!

[hhaw]

It helps to agree ahead on a handwritten agreement, signed by all parties AT mediation should an Agreement be made, ime.

Avoid sending attorneys to "craft an Agreement" in their offices if you can

The PD doesn't have to sign it, even if he agreed at the mediation AND it's expensive slow time/ money wasting busy work meant to extend the divorce and spend funds you might need for trial, ime.

If everyone agrees, it's perfectly legitimate to handwrite it out, sign and file it that day.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

And.... don't cancel any court dates UNTIL you have a filed and stamped Agreement in
Your
Hand.

This can drag out for months, sometimes years if you let it, ime

Remember, you want to settle quickly and leave this case behind too.  Don't let the attorneys pretend you're the problem for asking the Agreement be handwritten. 

Good luck

[Lauren17]

Mediation was virtual, so no option for a handwritten and signed agreement.
Actually, that's probably better for me, since I'm changing my mind on some things.
We had one sticking point. I kept offering "this or that" in exchange for that one thing. He would accept the offers, but not budge on the sticking point.  So, now I'm feeling like I gave away too much.
I did catch myself at the end and said I wanted to revisit things once the sticking point is resolved.
I'm just furious!
With both of us, for acting in character.
And I can't seem to stop reviewing the whole thing over and over.