Help, here we go again

[FlowerPot]

Difficult mother died 3 years ago - can't say I was distraught - she was controlling and difficult and moaned about me to everyone in sight. I wasn't really allowed my own relationship with relatives it all had to be through her.  I was only child and it has taken  some time to stop jumping when the phone went or feel that people were judging me.

Had anxiety on and off for the last few years, was getting a lot better - however it has all come piling back suddenly.  Her younger brother died recently , I adored him as a youngster, he was a good laugh during my student years, but rarely seen him since then and I think he was quite judgmental of me and my lack of utter and total devotion to my mother  ( I found letters from him to her, she had obviously been moaning about me)  - I hadn't seen him since her funeral - messages have been terse and limited from cousin. His funeral is soon and I am not going (doubt if the cousins are bothered)  - we will watch online as quite far distant.

I just hate the feeling that I wake up at 0500 in panic mode and feel twitched and anxious all day - can only think it is memories coming back. Trying to tell myself I should get a grip but not so easy is it?

[Boat Babe]

You don't need to get a grip. Your uncle has died and your relationship with him was tainted by your mother. Lots to be very sad about. And probably angry too

Can you give yourself time and space to grieve? Perhaps organise a brief series of therapy sessions to deal with uncomfortable emotions that may arise in this time. Certainly practice self compassion, at the very very least, as you go through this. There are some wonderful, simple, effective self compassion exercises on the Mindful Self Compassion website.

You're human. It's gonna hurt for a bit. We are here for you.

[FlowerPot]

Cheers Boat Babe - actually yes, I think there is anger in all this - anger for being misrepresented to people, being misunderstood, for being the piggy in the middle of family feuds - all led to missing out completely on what could have been lifelong friendships with cousins and aunt and uncle.

I'll look up those resources - thanks

[1footouttadefog]

My grandiose narc MIL was the filter through which all interactions with my Hs side and f the family went.  All info was translated and filtered.

Information was exaggerated for r deleted according to what the narcs needed. Mil was a twin and the rest of that side of the family were her sisters kids etc.  They also had a narc brother my H's uncle.

Some of the relatives are likely nice enough folks but we were misrepresented and they have no respect for us. 

I came to accept that I am not entitled to a relationship with any of them just because I am technically related. 

Like others it is angering that relationships were ruined or impacted by the narcs in the FOO and that I am judged wrongly based on lies. 

I at some point decided that if these folks wanted to really know me they would have side stepped the narcs.  If they cannot see through the narc crap that they are also a victim of then perhaps they are not a match for me anyway.

I also recognize that my spouses own of makes us less attractive as friends etc.  Things were not however as pronounced with him way back however he was just goofy here and there as the full on of had not bloomed.

It's sad that relationships are not what they could have been due to lies. 

I also have siblings that I am not close to.  They just went there own way.  We get along fine when together but on a week by week basis we are not in touch.  Probably not too abnormal.  I have little contact with nieces and nephews. 

I know that funerals can really bring all this to the surface.  I hope you can celebrate the fond memories of this uncle and grief the rest and heal .