I must not have raised you well.

[Pepin]

One thing that really kind of pops into my head every now and then is how NF loved to play the ultimate victim with this line:

I must not have raised you well.

What this meant was that I wasn't complying with him.  It meant that I was not supposed to have my own thoughts or to make decisions about me - especially as an adult. 

This has been actually kind of triggering because one of my children has left the nest and charting their own path.  As a parent, I did my job already.  I can't bark back to my child that I must have done a sh*t job if things don't go well or the way I think they *should* for them.  It is my child's time to explore and make the transition into adulthood.  I am here for them if they need me or want to ask anything.  I don't get to tell them what to do.

I am disappointed that I had to be on the receiving end of NF's bad behavior towards me.  I am thankful that we are NC and will be until his end.  What a horrid past though.  Sometimes I cannot believe that I survived. 

[moglow]

  Guess not, dad, but someone else obviously did. I'm sure you did the best you could. 

Sometimes I cannot believe that I survived.

Preach!! Seems like that's a recurring them around here, doesn't it. I'm trying to reframe all the b.s. to the positive lessons learned, watching how one after another of us are actively trying to be better than that and not pass to the next generation.


Peace, Pepin.

[daughter]

I think the appropriate thought-response is "no, you didn't, you did not treat me well". 

My estranged NF often relied on "it wasn't my job to intervene", as if to put all blame on NM. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs, Pepin. I've received that sort of waify cry to pick up the blame from my parents as well. Any time I had any kind of problem, especially should I dare to ask for their help, it was liable to come out.

A funny one though that got back to me, though: After I went NC but at that time it was clearly intended to be a short-term "break." My two siblings were not doing as demanded of them, not harassing me on my parents' behalf to get back in contact and apologize to THEM. My mother was crying to a friend, "We've failed with all our children!!! 

The friend replied, "Well, Cordelia is standing up for herself and the other two are respecting her, so maybe not as bad as you think." 

Similarly, your NF did do a crap job raising you. But that's not the final word on who you are or what your life is. Same for your DD. She is making her life her own now, as well she should. It's not her responsibility to reassure you or give you validation. And you know better than to demand it. I am far from having adult children still, but I think if you build the foundation well, you will still have the opportunity to be there for her both as a mom and as one adult to another.

[p123]

I get this all the time.....
What they mean is "I didn't brainwash you enough to do everything I want now".....

Makes me laugh sometimes how pathetic it is to be honest. My Dad is ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS about everything and its all about him. As others have said on this thread, just think "no you didn't you treated me badly"

[FlowerPot]

Very difficult mother moaning about me and comparing the way that my cousins cared for my aunt

"she is so strict but they adore her, they are really helpful to her and think the world of her, but you ......"

Aunt loved her kids unconditionally and treated them as adults