Hi, I’m new

[Westernesse]

Hello everyone. 👋

I'm an eldest son, aged 41, estranged to the point of almost complete no contact for approaching 8 years. I have 2 children myself, 8 and 4.

I'm ok to the point where I am now really researching the issue/phenomenon and coming to terms/making peace with how things are.

Hope you are all well.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Westernesse,

A warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  Glad to read you are gaining an understanding of your situation and those around you!   I look forward to you joining us around the campfire for some interesting conversation, as we all journey down the trail.   

I point you to the top tabs, and encourage you to study the traits of PD's and then also learn the toolbox tools to protect yourself, as best possible.  See you around the boards!

SoT

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

do you find that in parenting your own children you are reparenting yourself?  i feel that the first 10 years of my NC i was indeed doing that- learning to be a grown up while healing the hurt child within- just without my own kids.

[IntoTheLight]

Hi Westernesse! I am new as well. Hope to talk to you in the forum about all these issues.

[Westernesse]

welcome to the group-

do you find that in parenting your own children you are reparenting yourself?  i feel that the first 10 years of my NC i was indeed doing that- learning to be a grown up while healing the hurt child within- just without my own kids.

Hi there. I wouldn't say that's the case for me. I have my own kids and our relationships are pretty good. I'm hyper vigilant to try to ensure I don't give them any of my baggage.

[j.banquo]

do you find that in parenting your own children you are reparenting yourself?  i feel that the first 10 years of my NC i was indeed doing that- learning to be a grown up while healing the hurt child within- just without my own kids.

Hi there. I wouldn't say that's the case for me. I have my own kids and our relationships are pretty good. I'm hyper vigilant to try to ensure I don't give them any of my baggage.

Hey, welcome! Also new here.

I think @xredshoesx meant re-parenting yourself without putting anything on your kids.

I'm sure you'll find great resources here, and great people to connect with about your experiences.


Side note about parenting - I've even seen someone who is manipulative and narcissistic at least have an awareness of how poorly their parents treated them, and work very hard not to emulate it (when it comes to their children).

My sister has done no re-parenting herself, I think has no idea how messed up she is; she's even turned on me almost every time I've needed her (the reverse of what I've always done).

She's older by enough that she was basically my cool parent, and the only one who paid attention to me. When she went to college at 18, I was still in elementary school. She has always felt tremendous guilt about "abandoning" me, which I've even told her is not at all fair to herself. I think that's why she goes so far as to lash out at me when I need her.

However, she's always been very careful about how she treats her daughter (now 24 years old), and she did a great job.

[bee well]

Welcome!
It's good to see other new people here. Glad to hear you are making peace and coming to terms with it. Imho the Information about NC, especially other peoples' stories, can lead to a deeper acceptance...The forum here is great and the book section is really useful too. Best to you as you continue your journey...

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi Westernesse, and welcome!

I am late to reply, but I relate to being hypervigilant about not putting my stuff on my own kids. My older kids were young when I went NC. So now as they all grow and encounter things that are triggering to me for whatever reason, I find I do have to in effect be the mom twice. I have to give my child what they need, and then take a step back and revisit the similar episode from my own childhood and do inner child work to rewrite that trauma affecting me. And then maybe go have a do-over with my child, as appropriate. It does get exhausting but it's still better than unknowingly repeating the cycle.

Example: My uOCPDF, like many disordered parents, is/was really weird about food. One thing that became particularly triggering to me was pancakes. He was exceedingly controlling about exactly how they were to be made, and kept us all at the table for a couple of hours on Saturday mornings while he enacted the pancake ritual and we thanked him profusely for tiny little pancakes that came out one at a time and weren't even that good. I was usually still hungry afterwards, too!

So I just didn't bother with pancakes as an adult mostly. Until my son decided he loved them and wanted them for his birthdays at home. So I decided it was time to learn to be normal about pancakes. And journaled about my feelings. And then made them myself for the family without it being a Big Thing.  And then took some self-care. And then taught my son to do it with me, and made it fun for us both. And then let him do it himself, and didn't freak out about the mess, just taught him how to clean up together and thanked him for breakfast. This was a long process, and not everything is going to be quite like this, but I bet you have some things like this where you deliberately rewrite the script given to you by your own childhood.

That's a really long explanation but I hope you find it helpful. Lots of us doing the same thing. Mostly my kids have no idea what I'm doing in these situations either. As you said, it's not their baggage to carry.