Does anyone else dislike themselves when around your PD?

[wisingup]

I have a day of dealing with uBPDm ahead.  After her recent episodes of delirium, we took away her car & took over her finances & now she needs someone to take her to errands & doctor's appts & such.  So today we will get her hair cut and get some groceries and then fill out forms for an upcoming appt with a neurologist.

With my brother's sudden hospitalization & cancer diagnosis, she is understandably emotional & upset.  And I can't, just can't, deal with it.  From my early teens, she made me the dumping ground for her emotions & gripes & crises to the detriment of my lifelong mental health.  This was the primary reason for my years of vlc - simply to stop this pattern.  Now that I'm forced back into regular interaction with her, I just turn into a robot around her.  Absolute grey rock, no emotion from me, no response to her emotions.  I even hear myself speaking in a complete monotone.  I hate this person that I become - I feel like a complete b****. 

If (when) she tries to get me to comfort her today, I am going to be utterly repulsed & have to tell her to get her comfort elsewhere.    Her hysterics and over reactions over the years cause me to shut down and more or less dissociate whenever she goes off.  My wonderful DH said - don't get mad at yourself that she made you this way.  I know he's right, but I just hate being put in the position of being someone I dislike when I'm around her.  I have free agency & don't have to be the person she made me in to as a child. 

Has anyone else experienced this, and have you found a tolerable compromise?  When I let my guard down, she goes right back to her normal (for her) behavior and will not reign it in.

[Cat of the Canals]

Grey Rocking isn't much fun. I hate feeling like I can't be myself. Hate that I have to censor everything I say, lest I give too much information that will be used against me at some point. Hate that I can't simply be HONEST about so many things. I wish I could be fun and spontaneous and unworried around PDmom and PDmil, but I know I can't.

PDmom is at least a bit easier for me to predict, so I can be at something like "50% on guard" most times. Maybe because I know her better. Maybe because she's more "stable" emotionally. PDmil, on the other hand... you really don't ever know when she's going to launch a grenade. Sometimes it's at the Thanksgiving table. Sometimes it's in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation. So I am 100% on guard at all times. I keep my comments on most things to a bear minimum. And it ends up making most interactions feel pointless. Because they are empty. There is no real communication happening. And there's definitely a dissociative component. I kind of retreat into myself and I can practically see the walls up around me. Keeping me separate.

Anyway... I think of it less as disliking "who I am" in those moments and more that I dislike the moments themselves. I try not to feel guilty, because I can't help responding this way... I don't know any other way to protect myself from their chaos and abuse. So I think your husband has the right idea. This reaction doesn't exist in a vacuum. If you felt emotionally safe around your mother, you wouldn't react this way. You are dealing with so much right now, try to be patient and kind to yourself.

[wisingup]

Anyway... I think of it less as disliking "who I am" in those moments and more that I dislike the moments themselves.

Thank you Cat of the Canals - this is a better way to think of it.  And you're right.  I just dread the time I spend with her - having to be on high alert for guilt trips, gripes & hysteria coming my way.

So strangely - mom behaved "perfectly" yesterday.  There were a few calm and perfectly appropriate expressions of concern for my brother and a few questions about his status.  She thanked me for all the time I spent with her and asked me to ensure that her Uber app was set up so that she could try to get her errands done without me having to come up all the time.   So I had a couple minutes of warm, fuzzy feelings toward her, until past memories of the other sides of her personality came flooding back.

I think there are a couple things causing this bout of good behavior -
1) I had shut her down pretty firmly the evening before when she tried to start moaning and wailing about my brother.  I told her this news is absolutely devastating to me & I can't taking on her pain as well
2) She has decided she does NOT want to move to the assisted living facility that we toured last week, & she knows that if I have to spend every weekend running errands with her as well as managing her medical appointments and finances, that will need to happen sooner than if she can be more independent.

But thank you again for the perspective.  I feel today like my reactions are actually appropriate, given how unpredictable she is & how much she messes with my head.

[Boat Babe]

Oh yes. Definitely when I was little because of all the everyday craziness meant I wasn't developing properly and even then I knew my own behaviour was "wrong" around her. Not so much these days as she has dialled it down considerably but only because I am the only person in her life.

But to my codependent shame (I know) I still contort myself to: fit in/people please/overlook stuff I really shouldn't/ignore red flags. Even my most recent bf of two years who was definitely a non and always treated me with respect, had some pretty questionable life style choices that really weren't my bag but, you know, I just let that stuff go. I have done that to a ridiculous degree with the two uPDs in my romantic life. I hated what I was doing. But, I needed the supply as much as they did. I'm starting to think that codependency means we also get Supply from "saving/caretaking etc" our PD partners. If I feel needed, then I won't be abandoned. Gargh!

[Hepatica]

Oh yes. I am a very different person around healthy people, than I am around my PD family. I tense up around my PD FOO and become really quiet and reserved and nervous. I had no idea I was any other way, until I moved away from my FOO years ago, and once I was far enough away and met new people, I became such a happy go lucky person. That was my first clue. When I'd go home, I'd tense up and be that person I was with them, but I knew it was not all of who I am.

[wisingup]

once I was far enough away and met new people, I became such a happy go lucky person

Hepatica - this is true for me too.  It's taken me decades away from my uBPDm and my alcoholic enF to relax & figure out my natural personality & I actually like that person, & so do other people to my constant surprise.  I hate that I went through my childhood & early adulthood with the belief that I was flawed and unlikeable.  I know many people go through that, and maybe it's not entirely due to my parents, but they certainly undermined any confidence I ever showed in myself.

[Sneezy]

This is one of the biggest issues I have with my mom.  I don't like myself when I am around her.  She keeps pushing my buttons until I snap at her.  Then I feel bad.  When I am with her I am judgemental, fake, irritated, and constantly on guard.  I do my medium chill and grey rock as best I can, but those aren't ideal solutions either.  She has a way of disregarding the 100 good things I have done for her and making me feel guilty about the one thing I didn't do.  She created me to be co-dependent and cater to her every need.  I'm slowly coming Out of the FOG, but mom created my buttons and she sure knows how to push them.  And then when she pushes one too many buttons and I snap, she is once again the victim and everybody is mean to her and she can play the martyr role.  It's a process.  It's getting better, but it's definitely an ongoing process.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think I act in ways around my FOO that outsiders might deem disengaged, not interested or dismissive. That is not who I am at all. I do find it a loss that I cannot just "let loose" around my FOO too. However, I believe we sometimes develop such behaviors as strategies to safeguard against incoming hazards. We did not come into the world that way, we had to figure it out in the school of hard knocks.  Figuring that out though, and deploying coping skills I think is the success story here for all of us - not how it might look to others.   
     
What I prefer to think of is how much I have grown and how much governance I have over how I chose to manage difficult interactions without letting it pull me down to a dark place. It is not perfect, and my blood pressure still boils when I have to interface with my FOO, but I try to refocus on what I know is true for me. 

[Andeza]

Yup, I did hate myself and the way I acted after being around uBPDm. But in my case I turned into a, pardon my language, grumpy Bitch every time I talked to my M. I was taking it out on my DH, which is largely why I went NC.

[wisingup]

Thanks all - this is so helpful, to hear I'm not the only one.  Just hearing your stories helps me have more compassion for myself.  Really, putting our guard up & being on high alert is an appropriate reaction to what we're dealing with. 

Her "good" days always throw me  - I feel extra guilty for being grey rock when she seems to be trying.  But now I'm thinking - why isn't she always trying?  Why are the good days not her normal way of being, since she's obviously capable of changing her behavior?

[daughter]

I would find myself inevitably wondering why I was so disliked by my NM, and why NF thought it ok for me to be treated so harshly.

[Cat of the Canals]

Her "good" days always throw me  - I feel extra guilty for being grey rock when she seems to be trying.  But now I'm thinking - why isn't she always trying?  Why are the good days not her normal way of being, since she's obviously capable of changing her behavior?

I feel guilty and also start doubting myself again. "Maybe she's not THAT bad?"
It's so easy to rugsweep all of their nastiness when they're on good behavior. But it doesn't undo their poor behavior in the past. And like you've pointed out, it only proves they are capable of being pleasant.