*Positives* to having PD parent

[moglow]

Sneezy's recent post about her mother's incessant negativity struck a nerve! My life with md was surrounded and woven with so much negativity and spite that I ultimately had to end it - there were no positives even peeking through anymore and I had to look at what was there. Nothing, really. A blood relationship and nothing more. The shared memories were painful and there was no foundation to build better.

Anyhoo, while cooking my breakfast this morning I thought about and started expanding on some *positives*, wanted to share and maybe help us redirect our own mindsets for a bit:

1. As I shared in Sneezy's thread, mother was an angry and resentful cook and it showed. Most food she prepared was flat, mushy, unappealing, if not from a box, just add water. In later years she liked to "improve" recipes, substituting things that oughtn't be changed from the original. She had this thing she referred to as stir fry that was just ... abysmal. It cooked and cooked and COOKED until there was no texture or color left! You literally couldn't identify the veggies anymore, the "sauce" she made was water, soy sauce and brown sugar, then poured into it and cooked some more. Served over rice, so at least there was something recognizable.

Anyway, I was her kitchen maid, there to do her bidding like peeling veggies, washing dishes, scrubbing pots etc. I wasn't allowed to use a peeler because I might make a mess [that obv I'd have to clean up anyway], always had to use a knife. I remember hours sitting in a corner slumped over the garbage can, with her snarling that I was cutting too much off or taking too long.

Positive: I can work a knife in the kitchen! I'm steadily buying better knives [and cookware] for my new kitchen and thoroughly enjoying the outcome. Peeling an apple for my oatmeal was done before I thought about it and I didn't make a mess or lose a bunch of apple in the process. I LOVE to toodle around, making something from whatever's on hand, planning for next time and what I might add or take out. My mac 'n cheese never tastes the same because I use whatever cheese I have on hand, no recipe!

2. I can and do keep a neat home, and can clean pretty much anything. I'm not meticulous by any means but I learned to pick up as I go, disarray and chaos wrecks my brain! I do have a hard and fast I Don't Do Housework on Saturday rule. Unless I'm somehow in the mood or cleaning up a spill, it ain't happening - Ill allow late Friday night or even early Sunday morning, but no. Every Saturday in her house I had to clean, no cartoons, no playing, couldn't even play music like I do now when cleaning.

3.  Mother didn't manage to completely shut down the music ringing through the house when Daddy was home, and he had very eclectic tastes. I thereby absorbed calypso into my bones -LOVE Harry Belafonte and island music!! Spanish guitar makes my heart sing. I remember Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, can still picture album covers in my mind.

4.  Md didn't/doesn't apologize for anything ever. She's completely entitled and will excuse anything she says or does, knowingly hurts and demeans others on the regular. No remorse. Me? I'm pretty danged quick to step up when Ive done wrong, will apologize and commit myself to better going forward. I'm horrified when I do/say something impulsively then look back at myself later. When I apologize, I mean it. It's not a token or platitude, it's a reminder for me to DO BETTER.


So - share! Seek the positives with me for a mo'. [as she queues up Belafonte...]

[wisingup]

Here's one that I was just discussing with DH last night. 

We know several families who are dealing with "failure to launch" syndrome with their young adult kids.  I had severe anxiety (general and social) as a young adult & can see that I could have fallen into this as well.  But my parents home was such a miserable place that I really had no choice but to get out and stay out, in spite of my anxiety, & eventually overcame it.

[moglow]

YES, wisingup!! So much the same for me, when I got out I STAYED out. I went through bad financial fracas years ago of my own making and md actually offered me a place to stay. It wasn't fun or easy but I just couldn't do that. No way in hell could I go back into mother's misery!

[Hazy111]

Being the "GC i had some of her positive traits projected into me. Politeness at all times. a  strong conscience of what is generally right and wrong. Dont take advantage of others.    Admittedly this could all have been driven by her inner shame and her narcissistic obsession of what others think of you is what counts..... im struggling now...hahaha

[Andeza]

Much the same in the kitchen as you, Moglow. Everything was overcooked and bland as heck. I hated cooking for years and avoided it until I realized that there were tools out there that made it easier. Like my instantpot that I adore. So now I cook regularly. It doesn't always come out but it's only rarely inedible. The peelers... Bah! Mine wouldn't let me use a knife for the longest time. I was given a dull peeler, the pointy kind, whereas these days I've found he U-shaped ones that you pull away from yourself work a million times better and faster. I had to make do with butter knives and having my meat cut for me until I was 18. I still struggle to cut a steak, it feels awkward and I'm extremely right hand dominant, but I've gotten good with my chef knife! In fact I was just looking for one yesterday that'll hold it's edge longer.

My house is always messy to a degree. Why is that good? Because my kid gets to play with his toys and have fun without me looming over him complaining about the mess. We have him tidy each night for a reward, or else we do it and get the reward instead, lol.

I also refuse to have a "cleaning day" where everything gets done in one go. uBPDm's day was Thursday. I have no idea why, and I used to wake up in the summer with a long list of chores to do that didn't need doing every week. (I'd sneakily skip some and she'd never notice.) But it means that I don't wear myself out because I clean a little here a little there throughout the week instead of tackling the whole lot in one go.

I became a gamer. Originally it was just because I needed an escape from reallity, but over time it became something I really enjoyed and it stimulated my mind and imagination.

I read extensively. Same as above, but with the addition that writing fiction myself also became an amazing outlet for me.

I have very wide ranging tastes in music, and through that have learned about cultures around the world. Including my ancestors, which is cool.

We don't really watch any tv. It was on nonstop in my house growing up and I came to hate it.

I'm open to having pets, including indoors. My uBPDm and enDad never allowed me to have indoor pets like a full-time indoor dog or cat. I was extremely frustrated by that and now always have full-time indoor cats. Nothing like falling asleep with a cat wrapped around your head purring. It's awesome!

I go to great effort to make sure my kids have shoes that fit! M had no concept that not all feet are created equal. She used to say that my wide feet were cute, but then try to make me wear shoes that weren't... wide. Really!? I pay very close attention to my son when he tries on shoes and I know how to properly fit him (used to work in a shoe store.) Right now, his feet are shaped exactly like mine, so I know how to help.

[moglow]

Hazy, but you know HOW to treat others, that's never a bad thing! OMG Andeza, so many other similarities here!! Mind blown by the things I hadn't even considered, but obvious now. 

[Hazy111]

Moglow.... thats the thing about how a PD picks and chooses who they treat badly. When its pointed out to them they respond with all manner of self justifying nonsense and sometimes retaliate especially against immediate family.   DENIAL of reality stops any insight.  My mother would treat us badly on occasion ( especially my sis)  but this can always be justified. It was a more a chronic lack of affection warmth. She was a nurse so had a great nuturing caring instinct for others.

Only the truly sociopathic/pyschos end of PD treat most people badly.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Lots of similarities here as well! TV was always on growing up, I never even got one as an adult. (I just get sucked into the internet instead  ) I got out and stayed out as a young adult. Kitchen drama was a daily thing, I knew nothing for practical day to day feeding myself. Learned it all on my own with roommates in college and found it was fun and satisfying and a budget saver!

I'm as minimalist as is reasonable with with a large family. I grew up with hoarding and holidays all about the gifts. They would take pictures of the presents before they were unwrapped! Here we remember the "reason for the season." And we really enjoy holidays.

I have learned to actually like gifts now, and I'm really good at choosing gifts for people. It's natural to me to pay attention to people's likes and dislikes. And their emotional responses, which is helpful with my kids. I can pick up on whether they are cranky and usually why, and address that need before a meltdown happens. Another skill I learned growing up: acting. I've put it to use in community theater rather than purely for survival.

[Sneezy]

Ok, my mom was also a TERRIBLE cook!  Everything was bland and overcooked and tasteless.  She also had no sense of nutrition.  Growing up, I was allowed to eat leftover cake for breakfast and we had coca cola on the table for every dinner and could drink as much as we wanted.  And unlike some of you have posted, none of this inspired me to be a good cook    I'm an ok cook, but not a good one.  I do, however, appreciate good cooking and have learned to delegate.  I have a DD and a SIL who are great cooks, and although they sometimes make me feel like an outsider in my own kitchen, I can appreciate the advantages of letting them take over and do the heavy lifting for holiday meals (I set a pretty table and can cut stuff up, though).

My mom is a hoarder, and so one positive of that is that I am pretty good about keeping things picked up and put away and I don't accumulate a lot of useless stuff. 

Mom is also very uber-religious, and although I no longer attend the super conservative church I was raised in, a positive is that I really enjoy my progressive, service-oriented church, and have made many friends there.

Finally, and maybe the most important, mom is always chasing after the next shiny object.  Whatever/whoever she has isn't good enough.  The grass is always greener on the other side. There is always more excitement, more drama, a better man, nicer friends, just more, more, more out there somewhere.  And when she finally reaches whatever "more" is, she thinks she will finally be happy.  And this trait of hers has actually made me a content person.  In an effort to NOT be like my mom, I try to find contentment in everyday life.  The sky is a pretty blue today?  That makes me happy.  My husband emptied the dishwasher?  Hallelujah!  The next season of The Crown is coming out?  That's fantastic!  By observing my mom, I truly feel that much of how we feel and live is a choice.  We can choose to see the blessings we have, or we can choose to chase after "something better" until the day we die.  And thanks to my mom, I have no desire to keep chasing after the next shiny object.

[Boat Babe]

Mum is afraid of everything. I saw how limiting that was for her as I grew up and went completely the other way. I was a high risk taker and am really lucky that disaster did not befall me in my headlong, headstrong youth! I've calmed down considerably with age but am really glad I lived quite fearlessly, as I had some amazing experiences in my life and learnt a great deal.

As part of mum's fears was the social anxiety, possible C-PTSD for good measure, which meant she isolated herself, and therefore me, to a huge extent. I was a very lonely little girl. Inside however was an incredibly gregarious and extroverted personality just desperate to get out there, make connections and just, you know, belong. These days I have the BEST friends a woman can have, a rich and supportive group of vibrant intelligent people. My friends are my greatest blessing in my life I think. There was no way I was ever gonna live in isolation like my mother.

My poor mother has had a wretched life and even at her worst, I feel sorry for her. My life has been an absolute rollercoaster but I have very few regrets.

[Boat Babe]

Sneezy - I love your last point. That relentless search for something just over the horizon is actually a red flag. It's also what the Buddhists call "dukkha" which is commonly translated as "suffering" but is more accurately a dissatisfaction with life because of illusion (Samsara) and the two main drives of attachment or grasping and aversion.  Much of Buddhist practice aims to help the practioner understand this at a deep level and thus greatly improve their inner reality. I think that the dukkha is very strong in PDs but that their tragedy (and ours) is that they never address it.

[SunnyMeadow]

My positive to having a PD parent is I see how damaging they are and now I know how to parent my children in a better and loving way. I just do the opposite of what she does.

Oh another thing, I learned how to handle my finances. I don't spend whatever the hell I want on whatever I want. I save and plan for rainy days and retirement. My mother's old age plan is "SunnyMeadow will have me live with her".   

[Amadahy]

I learned to dial the big clunky rotary phone at 2 years old to call for help. Everyone thought I was so smart.  Terror is a great motivator.

I learned to drive the big clunky farm truck at nine years old so I could leave when needed.  Again, everybody thought that was grand, but I needed a way to leave and Nmom didn't drive.

My career path has me as a "helper" so I might contribute to the care of others.  It is easier to do this than to acknowledge or meet my own needs, but I am learning to love and care for myself, too. 
Only took 53 years! 😳

I appreciate this thread because my insides are screaming that there is not one good thing, but I'm willing to ponder it for my own benefit. ❤️. Thank you. 

[SonofThunder]

Sneezy's recent post about her mother's incessant negativity struck a nerve! My life with md was surrounded and woven with so much negativity and spite that I ultimately had to end it - there were no positives even peeking through anymore and I had to look at what was there. Nothing, really. A blood relationship and nothing more. The shared memories were painful and there was no foundation to build better.

Anyhoo, while cooking my breakfast this morning I thought about and started expanding on some *positives*, wanted to share and maybe help us redirect our own mindsets for a bit:

1. As I shared in Sneezy's thread, mother was an angry and resentful cook and it showed. Most food she prepared was flat, mushy, unappealing, if not from a box, just add water. In later years she liked to "improve" recipes, substituting things that oughtn't be changed from the original. She had this thing she referred to as stir fry that was just ... abysmal. It cooked and cooked and COOKED until there was no texture or color left! You literally couldn't identify the veggies anymore, the "sauce" she made was water, soy sauce and brown sugar, then poured into it and cooked some more. Served over rice, so at least there was something recognizable.

Anyway, I was her kitchen maid, there to do her bidding like peeling veggies, washing dishes, scrubbing pots etc. I wasn't allowed to use a peeler because I might make a mess [that obv I'd have to clean up anyway], always had to use a knife. I remember hours sitting in a corner slumped over the garbage can, with her snarling that I was cutting too much off or taking too long.

Positive: I can work a knife in the kitchen! I'm steadily buying better knives [and cookware] for my new kitchen and thoroughly enjoying the outcome. Peeling an apple for my oatmeal was done before I thought about it and I didn't make a mess or lose a bunch of apple in the process. I LOVE to toodle around, making something from whatever's on hand, planning for next time and what I might add or take out. My mac 'n cheese never tastes the same because I use whatever cheese I have on hand, no recipe!

2. I can and do keep a neat home, and can clean pretty much anything. I'm not meticulous by any means but I learned to pick up as I go, disarray and chaos wrecks my brain! I do have a hard and fast I Don't Do Housework on Saturday rule. Unless I'm somehow in the mood or cleaning up a spill, it ain't happening - Ill allow late Friday night or even early Sunday morning, but no. Every Saturday in her house I had to clean, no cartoons, no playing, couldn't even play music like I do now when cleaning.

3.  Mother didn't manage to completely shut down the music ringing through the house when Daddy was home, and he had very eclectic tastes. I thereby absorbed calypso into my bones -LOVE Harry Belafonte and island music!! Spanish guitar makes my heart sing. I remember Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, can still picture album covers in my mind.

4.  Md didn't/doesn't apologize for anything ever. She's completely entitled and will excuse anything she says or does, knowingly hurts and demeans others on the regular. No remorse. Me? I'm pretty danged quick to step up when Ive done wrong, will apologize and commit myself to better going forward. I'm horrified when I do/say something impulsively then look back at myself later. When I apologize, I mean it. It's not a token or platitude, it's a reminder for me to DO BETTER.


So - share! Seek the positives with me for a mo'. [as she queues up Belafonte...]

LOVE this post and the positivity.  I believe that attitude-posts such as this, help to defensively neutralize (to a certain degree) or reroute, the PD's attempts to keep us non's down, even if its years or decades later! 

Love it that our beautiful seeds may get stomped into the rocky ground, and so deep that the PD believes they have squelched any enjoyment out of life.  Yet later, many years later, breaks forth a perennial shoot that strongly and steadily emerges out of the hardship soils and then strongly develops into a forever flower that is self-protected and one that the PD cannot pick and watch wither. 

Go MoGlow, glow!

SoT

[moglow]

I appreciate this thread because my insides are screaming that there is not one good thing, but I'm willing to ponder it for my own benefit. ❤️. Thank you. 

I had to flip the training, Amadahy, before I lose my mind. I won't "credit" her with the ultimate good, but will gladly seek it out and expand on it. Knowing md, she'd see this as vindication, that all is forgiven and okay and we just keep going "normally". No. I can forgive and keep going with what I've gained, period. You'll find something, and I bet you'll surprise yourself!

[Hattie]

Having an NMum gave me an amazing superpower of empathy. Ok, I developed it to survive my childhood, but as an adult it has given me a great ability to connect with people. I have lots of lovely friends who appreciate my emotional astuteness. I am still working on developing my boundaries with emotional vampires, but I am glad to be an empath.

[Cat of the Canals]

4.  Md didn't/doesn't apologize for anything ever. She's completely entitled and will excuse anything she says or does, knowingly hurts and demeans others on the regular. No remorse. Me? I'm pretty danged quick to step up when Ive done wrong, will apologize and commit myself to better going forward. I'm horrified when I do/say something impulsively then look back at myself later. When I apologize, I mean it. It's not a token or platitude, it's a reminder for me to DO BETTER.

This, 100%. I take personal responsibility very seriously.

The other big one is that I have a very ingrained sense that if I want something, I'm the only one who's going to make it happen.

[Sneezy]

a dissatisfaction with life

That's my mom to a tee!

My mother's old age plan is "SunnyMeadow will have me live with her".   

I just shuddered on your behalf!!!  That would be awful!

[Sneezy]

Here's another positive - I got to meet a cute EMT today  .  Yeah, he was young enough to be my son, but cute and sweet nonetheless.  As I have complained about before, Mom refuses to use her walker and often tries to "get away with" not using her cane.  She insists that she doesn't need either and she has lied and said that her doctor wants her to "use her legs" and not rely on a walker (which is exactly the opposite of what I have heard her doctor say).

And today Mom fell.  It happened so fast I was certain her hip had shattered and caused the fall.  She ended up mostly in soft grass, although her legs and knees were on cold pavement for a good ten minutes before the ambulance arrived.  She did not go to the hospital - no broken bones, no spine issues, no concussion.  However, the nice (and did I mention cute?) EMT gave her a stern lecture about using a walker for balance.

[wisingup]

The other big one is that I have a very ingrained sense that if I want something, I'm the only one who's going to make it happen.

Yes - good one!