How do you del with unmet emotional needs?

[FayDHM]

I am curious - how do you deal with unmet emotional needs when your partner or spouse is either unable, unwilling, or overtly or covertly toying with those needs?

Maybe some of you have family members who don't have PDs and are reliable sources of comfort. Or trusted friends. What to do when you have neither? Therapy was providing some of it, but the cost became too high to continue. The pandemic created so many new mental health challenges for people, and exacerbated challenges for those already suffering.

It seems no matter how strong I feel, how realistic I am when approaching the facts or just trying to navigate the chaos of living with a PD (or possibly with chronic fleas) without feeling like my heart gets broken over and over.

Even if i get to a good place with not letting things get to me, and learn techniques to avoid or diffuse intense situations, the hole in my heart never goes away. It seems to grow larger with time. I have run out of steam for being in a one-sided relationship with a constantly miserable person. It feels like my spirit is being suffocated little by little.

Then there are the conflicting feelings. I do love him, and thought we were on the same path. At times our paths have diverged, then others we have walked together. It feels like I am the only one worried when I see him doing self-destructive things that are ultimately destructive to our relationship. Like a train headed for a cliff- I try to prevent it, he says "meh." 

[escapingman]

I know exactly how you are feeling. After years and years of this with my uNPDw I have got to the realisation she will never be there emotionally for me. Material, yes she is an expert on that, but emotions nothing at all. If I share a problem, she finds a reason why it's my fault and I should have done something different. If I am sad and just need a hug, I need to man up. I thought I was in love with her, that she was the love of my life, but the truth is that the person I love is not her but how I want her to be.

Use MC and GR and the rest of the toolbox, but don't expect a PD to be there for you when you need someone.

[FayDHM]

Thanks so much for your quick response!

I am sorry you are experiencing this - sometimes I get so angry because it’s just all so unnecessary!! Things that should be fairly easily resolved by honest, communicative, couples are complicated by the one who just can’t let things be balanced. There has to be crisis, chaos and codependency in order for them to feel comfortable.

I am still here, a quarter of a century later, Only in the last 5-6 years have I come to see how pointless a lot of the effort I put  into just wanting to be heard. I was never going to be heard. Why keep torturing myself? Most of the time I can function in this knowledge. It takes a kind of burden off of me.

But it creates another, heavier burden of - what do I do now? I will go crazy putting up with this into old age, because I already see him solidifying into that stubborn, cranky old man. Meanwhile, I am full of life and want to experience- it fully - not sure I can do that with him.

I have never entertained the idea of infidelity, and would never act upon it, but as time has passed and things have gotten worse, I now understand why people have affairs. Not saying it’s right- but I now know the feeling of longing to be with someone else. I am there, have been there, and it’s yet another thing to fight.


Aaaaggghhh - thanks for lettting me vent. Yesterday was a particularly painful day and my hurt is still raw.

[MusicalChairs]

Hi FayDHM...boy, have I been where you are and at times am still there.   So sorry to read of your pain.

The one thing I can say is, not getting our emotional needs answered over time will gradually overwhelm us as much as we might like that to be different.  This for me was not something that got better by just trying to white-knuckle through it.  And I've had decades of work to be able to say that, and have some bleached knuckles to show for it.

So there are several options I still use, as some suggestions:

1.  Find a help line to call, at least temporarily; sometimes a therapist can tell you what the best one is (perhaps your former therapist).  Also, have you looked for sliding-scale or discounted therapy in your area?  We have one of those here locally.
2.  Stay plugged into this forum--it's all the safe friendships some of us get!
3.  It might be helpful to look deeply into (via books, nearby support groups, or hopefully an affordable therapist somewhere ) the possibility of letting go of the relationship so that you can work on yourself, giving yourself what you need, and healing...which should lead to some healthier relationships showing up for you over time.  It personally took me ages to reach that bailout-readiness point, but when I did I found it sure beat staying in the problematic space.

Some folks can work #3 by staying in the hard relationship.  I never could make that work, but if you can, godspeed!

None of this is easy.  I've shared your position and I don't think anything is harder.  Your note struck a chord.   Us folks related to PDers often choose the same bad things in relationships repeatedly (it's been pounded into our neurology) until we re-program ourselves away from the old ways.  It sounds like you (and all of us) are certainly ready for a helpful release!       

[Poison Ivy]

I gave up on counting on other people to meet my emotional needs many years ago. It's not that I never seek emotional support from other people, but I do so rarely and with great caution. I had a very good therapist who helped me figure out self-help. She is now retired. I occasionally share things with my immediate family (siblings and adult children), but I try to not burden them. At this point, I think I'm stronger than they are. I tuned into my mom's emotional fragility many years ago and stopped confiding in her. And my ex-husband turned out to be like my mom: claiming to want emotional closeness but then making clear he couldn't deal with other people's emotions.

[Boat Babe]

That's a very good question and one that I think all forum members have addressed, continue to address, in their lives. I think it's complicated and I don't have a silver bullet (Id be rich if I did lol) but understanding the dynamics surely helps.

We are mammals. Like all mammals we seek physical closeness, especially when young. In fact we need it for optimum physical, emotional and cognitive development. We are social animals wired for connection. It's deep in our DNA  When we get less than "good enough" parenting (see the work of Dr Winnicot) we experience attachment trauma, no two ways about it. It leaves us wanting. This wanting means we make some pretty awful choices at times in order to get our mammalian needs met. Check out Maslow's hierarchy of needs for the whole safety and belonging and esteem needs. We grow up and become sexual beings with very strong drives to seek a mate. Very strong. Cue: going through the whole damned thing again, this time with a romantic partner if we choose someone with a PD.  Our current culture almost fetishizes marriage, whatever the actual reality of the people trapped in it. Makes being a single person challenging at times. We find ourselves alone, again, even with all the trappings of successful mating. Except we hurt. We are isolated. We feel utterly bereft. It haunts us (well, it haunts me) We are not getting our fundamental needs met, again.

What do I do? I actively engage in healthy friendships. I volunteer for groups that do stuff I believe  is important and meet like-minded people working together for a common purpose. I have had therapy in the past and use what I have learnt to gain clarity and peace over time. I am aware of my addictive response to my trauma and stay out of trouble. I self care. I have a dog for uncomplicated, genuine affection. I read, a lot and listen to good teachers. I could do with incorporating more creative stuff I think as Art is magical in it's capacity to transform pain. Mindful Self Compassion is my go-to practice. I wouldn't call it spiritual but it is holistic and very real and healing.

Sometimes I have blinding moments of connection and am very, very happy. Mostly I trundle in on feeling ok and sometimes I feel old and alone, very alone.  My personal quest is to move into my elder years with equanimity and grace. I also know that this will be a partial win, cos of human frailty, mine and other's.  Sending  love to fellow travellers ❤️

Have compassion

[Worthy of Care]

FayDHM, there are many similarities in our journeys. My heart hurts for you and the intense pain you are experiencing. I do rely on friends and a therapist. You said you don't have either of those, so that is really hard. I also rely on this group and another online group. For me church is a support also. Boat Babe mentioned comfort from a dog. The other day, my cat sat on my lap for a couple of hours. It was very comforting.

If I were to picture the emptiness in my marriage as a big hole, each of those supports occasionally adds a shovel full of dirt to the hole. My T probably adds the most as he understands PD, understands me, and is focused on me. Some friends add more than others. Even a hug from a casual friend adds a little bit to the hole. I still hurt, but those supports are a comfort.

I hope you can feel my care. Even though we have not met, my care is real.

But it creates another, heavier burden of - what do I do now? I will go crazy putting up with this into old age, because I already see him solidifying into that stubborn, cranky old man. Meanwhile, I am full of life and want to experience- it fully - not sure I can do that with him.

My T says, "Grieve and live your life." Easier said than done, but that is what I am trying to figure out how to do.

[1footouttadefog]

There is one big unspoken dynamic in dealing with emotional intimacy needs.

When dealing with this issue relating to a life partner there is one big complication.

Sure we can outsource alot of it, but most folks are wired such that when experiencing emotional intimacy with the partner it it interested to sexual intimacy.  For a high percentage of folks, and especially for females, physical intimacy is very  inter-related to emotional intimacy.

I laugh to myself when I see it recommended that everyone hire a therapist for a form emotional intimacy.  It seems wrong in a way and I am pretty sure therapy is not supposed to become that if done right.  I think to myself how if only it was morally acceptable to outsource all of it. 

Just saying it's easy in paper to discuss finding emotional intimacy among your social network, but it can make things more complicated or illuminate other issues in the relationship. 

For those wanting to remain married and withing the original vows, process with caution.  Alot orlf affairs start out as people seeking to merely be heard and understood.

[FayDHM]

Thanks everyone. Luckily, I do have a sweet kitten with whom I have a tight bond. I got her earlier in the year and it's made a huge difference for me. My former cats did the same.

I do have a group of online friends that I met during the pandemic. They're wonderful folks who I feel truly get me. These are relationships I feel I can build upon. I am also very good at self-soothing.

I have a therapist I trust. Right now I am on a break because of financial reasons. But I know that with her I can pick back up at any time & rely on her for comfort & validation. Not intimacy, not surrogate parenting, not friendship.

So I can find sources of support. I don't depend on outside sources to support me - I am pretty good at supporting myself. But the need for validation within a marriage is different. I know why - I didn't get emotional validation from my parents. But then neither did H, and he still doesn't. I watch his folks invalidate him this way, then I can see him as a little kid. I feel sorry for the child he was and never got to be. He is still protecting that child.

[Poison Ivy]

The need for validation within a marriage definitely is different. And as someone pointed out, many people will seek physical intimacy only within a marriage or close, committed relationships, and when our partners do not provide emotional support, physical intimacy might be lacking as well. I'm divorced, and I assume I will never again have physical intimacy with another human being.