How to find acceptance

[wandering_urchin]

Hello,
I find it hard to talk about myself (I had a childhood where I was taught that my voice was unimportant and stupid). But I find myself in the situation where I have to get something out of me. So I came here (I am also arranging more therapy). At the start of lock down I (adult female), was in a situation where I had to return to my parents (they have an outside garden room so plenty of space) and we lived harmoniously for a few months (I drove them about and got food shopping etc).

Then my eldest brother (who is an NPD who has had criminal convictions for crimes against women) came back. It was weird at first. He looked very unwell. I hadn't seen him for many years and we did not have a relationship. He soon started trying to control me and getting very angry when I didn't do what he asked (like shouting). I was trapped and desperately looked for other places to stay. He got into heated arguments with my dad. He - in his own words -  had my mother in the palm of his hand. He began whispering to her all the time. She began to fall out with me and my father. My father cried to me. It was devastating. My other brothers did nothing despite a lot crying phone calls from me.

My brother did lots of weird things like he urinated up the side of the garden room, would come and kick the walls of it on purpose and sometimes hide in the trees and stare at me. I didn't feel safe.
My dad and I tried to get him out but in the end I managed to leave.

Fast-forward a few months. He was still there but there is a lot less arguing - perhaps my presence inflamed the situation (he hated it that my father 'prefers me'). I finally met the love of my life (who throughout the whole thing was a long distance/ never met/ internet thing!) and we wanted to stay one night with my parents (stupid idea - so much regret over this). Anyway we get there and of course he is weird - starts flirting with my GF. Then he tells me that she is better than me and that I am stupid. It was so weird - I think his voice telling me those words sparked a trigger for all of the childhood bullying he put me through (and my other brothers). I felt sick and was shaking. I stupidly went to my parents. My dad exploded. There was a big argument. We had to leave. That was the last time I saw my family in a year. My mum told my little brother her version of events. He completely cut me off. Says that I shouldn't have been there and that he is mentally ill and I am basically selfish and stupid and he wants nothing to do with me.

So now a year after all of this, my little brother has a baby. We talked briefly on the phone but it's not the same (we were in my mind very close before all of this). My NPD brother is actually in a good place. He is working and even starting to try dating. I went NC with him about 6 months ago after he talked about my wife in creepy/sexual way. I am going back there for christmas. I have a lot of anxiety about it. I have a lot of anxiety about seeing both of my brothers. To avoid my NPD brother we will not go to my parents on actual christmas day if he is there (it's 50/50 as he lives far away). My little brother I have lots of anxiety towards him too. As for my mother (who is losing her memory) I feel some residual resent for her. I don't remember much of what she was like in my childhood but my NPD brother told me how he used to strip our little brother down to his pants and throw things at him as hard as he could whilst making him sing silly songs. My mum laughed when I told her and said it was my little brother's fault for not trying to get away - 'he could have said he needed the toilet or something and hidden there!' wtf.
Despite all of  this my mum can be sweet she is just broken and my little brother clearly his own traumas that he hasn't dealt with. I would like to accept how they are towards me. Enjoy my father and my other brother. I would like to not feel like I need validation from any of them.

I grew up with a lot of self hate and was a magnet for NPD people. I had some horrible relationships - physical and mental abuse. I had an awakening when I turned 35 and have been on a journey of self love. That is my NPD story. Thank you if you have read it. Even bigger thank you if you leave a comment.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive site! Sounds like you are on a good path after a difficult start. Very wise of you not to stay with your parents at Xmas,  at least you will be able to withdraw if the situation turns weird.
You might want to study the toolbox, especially medium chill and grey rock, for your interactions with your brothers. Looking forward to your posts!

[Worthy of Care]

Just want you to know that I read your post. Those were some pretty disturbing incidents with both your brother and your mother. Staying somewhere other than your parents' house for Christmas sounds wise.