Did your...

[moglow]

Hepatica - watching/reading The Prisoner of Azkaban, didn't it give your heart joy to see aunt Marge receive instakarma by way of her own hot air!! Proof that we get what we give, one way or another.

[Maz]

Hey all,

I can relate to this post so much.

My BPD sister uses implied insults from old wounds that she knows will cut deep.

Recently this is just a few of her jabs:

I've post a few times now about a recent miscarriage, when I spoke with BPD sister about what had happened she did this, "oooooooooooh THAT'S SHIT!" In a really sarcastic tone.

The other thing she does is pretend to be having a fantastic time with her little girl when we speak. I can tell it's fake and intended to hurt me.

The big one is this:

I was horrifically bullied because of a really nasty experience with a guy when I was a young woman. He publicly humiliate me online about my body, anyway my sister knows about this and makes a point of saying something is "defective" or someone is "defective" she waits for a reaction after saying it. She knows it's hurtful but that's why she's saying it.

I'll always remember how she's treated me, it will never go away. 

[Maz]

This post makes me so sad. It's like a run through of my life.

[MIB]

Dear Hepatica,

Firstly, I'm so sorry your dad said that to you. I understand how that feels...my dad often told me, "if you were smart, you'd (do what he thinks is right)" and his worst was telling me "you're a total f—-ing disappointment ".

Did it hurt? Sure. But I I know myself well enough to know that he was both wrong (I have the highest educational attainment in my family, am completely financially independent, make good life decisions, and generally have my life quite together) and mentally ill (having diagnosed PTSD and undiagnosed NPD). Understanding  that helped me a lot to brush aside his stupid and mean comments....any sane person would see that they simply weren't true.

We are conditioned from young  by our PD parents to be very self critical.  Instead, take a look at yourself and take stock of all your positive qualities and relationships. Write them down! If you also see some opportunity for change, perhaps the start of a new year is a great opportunity to work on developing new skills and relationships. Personal goals for growth is always a good thing.

Hurtful as his comments were, please remember they came from a mentally ill person and were  probably far more a reflection of how he felt about himself than you.❤️

Hugs,
MIB

[bee well]

Hello Hepatica,

I am sorry for the pain of what your Dad said to you has caused, and that it has stuck with you so long.

Words are powerful and make imprints that take a long long time to fade. Phrases like what you heard are a cruel way to set someone up for a lifetime of feeling excluded, or set apart (and fearful). I'm glad you woke up and are sorting out your past and your thoughts and feelings.

Interestingly, I just came in and read this thread after I was reflecting about how awful things I heard many many years ago have never gone away.

A few of the phrases I remember from coming my stepfather are "You make me want to vomit," "Go ahead and cry, I'll give you something to cry about," "Go in your room and don't come out!" "Go play in traffic!"  My parents' friends would also join in the chorus. It has taken decades to realize the full impact of this.

The expressions of contempt and disinterest were used continually and just flowed like it was nothing. I think many of us heard similar "standard" expressions as we were growing up. it was an acceptable (at least in my surroundings, and I also heard things like this in my friends' households), way of letting the children know how annoying and unbearable they were. A sick way of parenting.

(I now understand this verbal abuse to be a cowardly display of psychological laziness and misdirected (!) anger and insecurity. Whatever the source, it is verbal abuse and no one should have to withstand it, especially vulnerable children.)

And those were just the garden variety "go to" expressions.

One of the other things I often heard was "You just wait, when you grow up you are going to have 15 children like you. You'll see." This was in response to the many times I tried to speak up or acted out my unhappiness in various ways, like trying to get out of the house. (I was habitually told to "go play in traffic" but then later when I tried to get away I was deemed unruly. How sick is that?)

Mother would stand back and watch as she told me "I love you so much, why are you doing this? (acting out), "I can't choose (between me and abusive stepfather)!" "If it weren't for you I wouldn't be alive." It was implied that her misery and the instability in the home was my responsibility, and at the same time, her well-being depended on me.

This was interspersed with declarations of "you can be anything you want to be!" Yet nothing was done to improve our domestic condition. The cognitive dissonance was devastating.

I became a person who thought everything was my fault or related to something I had done, should have done, or couldn't, or wasn't able to do.

One way this manifested is that, like Call me Cordelia, I compensated by excelling in academics. As a teachers pet I found consistently positive feedback. I was bullied and excluded by my classmates for this, and not to justify it, but I think perhaps my classmates sensed I was ingratiating myself with the teachers, and this caused friction. I reacted by continuously achieving, and shrinking from praise.

Later in life I have reexamined my need to excel, and the simultaneous desire to shrink, and I think it was to contrast the horrible messages I received at home and from my classmates. (My academic path couldn't withstand the instability and was eventually derailed, only to rebound later. That's another story.)

I haven't had children, because at no point have I thought I was ready. In hindsight, I was right.

I think it is a good thing I didn't have children because I don't think we should have them just because we can procreate, or because we think we need to so we can become a more complete person. So many children suffer because of these myths. The thing is, perhaps I would have "been ready"  to have children at some point if it weren't for a progression of events that occurred from the crib onward.

I know the damage that resulted from that messages I heard growing up isn't my fault but the voices still pop up in my head, even today. I have accepted things, but there are times I still wish these thoughts and feelings would go away. Sometimes I feel defective that I still have them with me, even if I quite logically tell myself it's no wonder these "old tapes" would continue replay, harmful and repetitive as they were years ago.

So back to what you said about persistent feelings of fear, it's unfair. it appears to be an all too frequent byproduct of the types of upbringing I see described here in this thread, and on the forum in general.

For me it really helps is to look at the big picture.

There are so many of us who are dealing with similar issues. The fact that is doesn't completely go away is a sign of being human. To be unfeeling and unknowing is a much more tragic condition.

The uncomfortable feelings have diminished since I started taking a look at my past and examining the sources of my fear and sadness. Things are better now that I realize just how terrible things were, and where my feelings and reactions are coming from.

After I remind myself of the big picture it helps to get out of my head and into nature even if that mean sticking  my head out the window and taking a deep breath.

Reading the stories and seeing the community here is a huge source of strength. It's sad that so many us have suffered in our FOOS but really heartening to see so much of what has been swept under the rug (enabled) is finally coming to light.

This thread, today, has helped put the thought and feeling I woke up with into perspective (the voice that asks "Why won't these feelings go away after all these years?). Thank you!

Hepatica, I also watch Dr. Ramani. She's a tenacious, courageous, unapologetically vulnerable truth teller. Ramani's work, along with others, like Pete Walker, Gabor Matè, Bessel Van Der Kolk, and what come out on this forum, has been so so helpful to me.

...Now it's time for me to stop, go off of the forum, and take a breath of fresh air! :=) Have a good day you all where ever you are!