Hello, Nice To Meet You

[j.banquo]

My mother and sister have been using me as a source of narcissistic supply my whole life.

I'm a transsexual and gay man (try growing up with constant emotional abuse and also being forced to wear drag and live as the wrong gender but still get harassed since that is impossible, lol). So, I dealt with a lot of "you will bring shame on the family if you wear pants when we go out to dinner" growing up. Wasn't limited to that of course.

My mother would routinely leave me waiting for 1-3 hours to be picked up from school or soccer, all the way from elementary school to age 16. Most of the time she'd say "sorry, I got stuck on a phone call." That's one of the worst bits, so I'll stop there.

In the present day, I recently tried to explain to her how dangerous a new law (in another state) is for me. It allows any medical provider to deny care for "religious" or "ethical" reasons, and was introduced specifically to target trans and gay people. I tried to explain this, while staying calm, for two hours straight. She argued against everything. She said she didn't understand what I was saying. I couldn't figure out what on earth was wrong with her.

For much of those two hours, she was... smiling.

I've had a diagnosis of Bipolar II for ten years; it is accurate, but also the past and ongoing abuse made it much, much, much worse, and likely triggered it initially. I was even in an episode of depression from 2014-2020, about 6.5 years. I had to file for bankruptcy because I couldn't work, it was completely debilitating. The depression could easily come back. I'm really scared.

I currently live in an apartment attached to my mother's house, and only have SSDI for income. Thank God I also have an emergency fund for a year's expenses, and a paltry IRA as a last resort.

The flip side:

I need out and NC as soon as possible, and am looking forward to making it happen.

A couple weeks into the barrage of realizations, looking at events in a new light and becoming horrified, realizing they both probably have NPD, and on and on, amazing things have happened.

These haven't stuck, but: all my pain (neck, back, migraines) went away. For the first time in 25 years (only for one night), I was able to go to sleep just by sitting in the dark at peace, instead of reading until I conked out.

10% to 20% of the time, I even feel like myself again. That hasn't happened since 2014.

Things sure are weird, disorienting, painful, and stressful, but also fantastic.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome!

I am thankful you have found us here and so sorry for the painful path that life has taken and harm that has brought to you.

It is truly astounding how being able to put a name on the pattern of destructive behaviors of loved ones toward us can bring validation and peace. It sounds like you are at the threshold of great healing and empowerment in your life.

I look forward to you sharing that journey with the community here and to supporting you as you break free.