I never took photos of them

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm going through some of our old photos, because we have almost nothing displayed and I'm tired of having blank walls. I know I'm terrible about taking photos and even worse about getting them printed. I've been scared of seeing old photos of my parents. I thought it would be triggering and I just didn't want to deal with it. But I've decided to stop being weird and let my kids see some happy memories around. We mostly have phone photos, not very many "look at the camera and smile for the Christmas card" ones, but a few of those. Also their birthday parties and trips and general chaos that I would like captured.

But going through about 4 years' worth of photos so far, I haven't come across a single one of my uPDparents except for at my sister's high school graduation where I remember being specifically asked to take them because my phone camera was better than their camera. Not one I took of my own volition! There are a couple of my siblings in there, and a whole bunch of my ILs because their What'sApp photos got tied to our photos.  But I didn't take any photos of the ILs either. Whole holidays with them are as if they never happened. There are trips where I took photos of the place we were, and of the kids, but never the grandparents.

When we were together both sets of parents were taking photos CONSTANTLY, so I guess I had a handy excuse not to. But I think it's telling that they are essentially already erased from my family's archives. Something in me didn't want to record the times spent with the uPDs, even as in the FOG and rolling out the red carpet for them as I was at that time.

[JustKathy]

Same here, Cordelia. The only family photos I have are the ones I took when I was a kid with my little Instamatic camera. I took photos of my siblings and cousins and my dog. But I have only two photos of my enFather and one of my Nmother, and that one only exists because it was part of a group photo of visiting relatives. Nmother is the only one in the photo who isn't smiling and actually looks quite miserable being there.

I'm glad you brought this up because it 's something I hadn't thought about before. At that young age, I wasn't yet getting the full force of her narc abuse, but there must have been enough going on that I was already pulling away from her.

[xredshoesx]

i completely understand.  there are maybe 4 total photos IN EXISTENCE of me with either my mother or father, but never any of us as a family. 

[Leonor]

I have a photo of me with dh, sons and ILs on their wedding anniversary. We hosted them at our home from overseas and splurged on a lovely local farmhouse restaurant, and afterwards the maitre d took our picture. I have the biggest "I'M FINE. SO HAPPY AND FINE" smile on my face 

My wonderful therapist once shared a photo of her mother, her little brother (about three) and herself (around six.) The mom is smiling oblivious with that startled smile you get when the photographer says, Say cheese!, the little brother looks a little confused and my therapist is GLARING at him out of the corner of her eyes. 

It's in the photo evidence!

[chowder]

Photos of us as a family don't even exist.  We never spent that kind of time together.  Heck, we didn't even eat together.  We were 4 people, with 3 different dinner times.  Every.  Single.  Night.   Glad to have come Out of the FOG, and am continually learning.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow.

As annoying as it is, it's also educational seeing the patterns of what the ILs chose to curate to the "family chat" over the years. Tons of photos of their house, and travels to other places, and a fair amount of MIL selfies. Zero of them with their grandkids, or of the grandkids at all.

[moglow]

Wow, indeed. Same yet again. I have a few, very few, pics from when we were little kids then nothing. I remember Daddy's fam taking random pics during our summers with him, but otherwise no. I do remember md commenting that i was never really smiling in pictures, wasn't a happy child. Ya THINK-Maybe there's a reason? No? I'm pretty sure "occasions" boiled down to pretty much nothing by the time we were teens, so those opportunities were lost as well.

I have bare naked walls too, 'Delia. I have a few pics out, probably need to print and frame others. Last time I was in mother's house, no pictures of anyone anywhere other than a few of my stepfather - four children, five grands and a great, not a hint in her house that any of us exist. That's just sad.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah that's my house too. It is sad. All this life going on, and yet if we all disappear in some cataclysmic event, those who come after us wouldn't be able to tell exactly who lived here.

[Andeza]

Huh... I don't have any pictures. My enDad grabbed a handful right before he moved out for the divorce, and he has let me go through them. It's interesting to me what he found important enough to keep. Mostly pictures of me, and of his family. As I am uBPDm's only heir, I may get to go through the photo albums one day, but it might be a while. I do have access to certain cousins' facebook photos, so may download some to keep hard copies.

DH's only source of old family photos right now is through his Gma, who is probably HPD. But! She wants pictures of the great-grands, and we want pictures of the old days. Good trade. I told DH when we finally build a house, I want a picture wall. One wall in the house with as many different family members on it as possible. I don't necessarily want family photos throughout the house, but I want them to have their place. I think this is a result of seeing my IL's house completely devoid of family photos. The only exception were MIL's favorite photos to make fun of that she hung in odd places like the basement or a closet. Everything else was on digital storage drives, so you couldn't even pick up a photo album to thumb through. She also refused to be in ANY family photos. All pictures I have of her were either taken sneakily (I know, I know) or taken only with the solemn vow that they would never see the social media realm. We're chocking it up to refusal to age.