Reached out due to Dad's illness, was soul-sucking and life-force draining

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am VLC with my parents and NC with sister for a few years. Last week, dad had double vision and said his doctor thought it could be a brain tumor and follow up tests were scheduled. He was emotional, crying. Mom has early dementia and was unable to control her emotions and was freaking out. I knew with dad having tests, and a possible hospital stay, mom would need help arranging a place to stay since she cannot live alone. So, thinking this might be the beginning of the end for my dad, I reluctantly re-engaged. I know, PDs use a health crisis for drag people in.
               
I had blocked my sister on my cell phone a few years ago, but she started calling my land line. Her messages were "it is time for us to re-connect and align to help mom and dad. This could be a life-changer for them." Whatever.  She is their GC, and I knew would not back down from this situation that offers her so much fuel, to garner attention, to stir drama. This was her shining moment.   




 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Oops - note to moderators that I mistakenly posted when not quite finished with my post.  Oh well, I suppose it adds a bit of humor to my entry which is fine with me. 

My main point is that the last week has been life force draining to me.  I had a few conversations with my GC sister on the phone regarding dad's tests, etc. She used the opportunity to blame me for not engaging more and abandoning the family as she put it. She was angry and hateful. She was not interested in coordinating on behalf of our parents, she only wanted to use the opportunity to attack me and likely bring me back in. Our parents only commented how happy they were that we were on speaking terms again. Ugh. I never explained one thing to anyone. Dad's tests came out negative, and is something he can treat easily.  Sister has called me a few times since the optimistic diagnosis, but I am not returning her calls.  Back to VLC and NC.   

The whole episode just made me realize how negatively impacted I feel interacting with any of them, and that I likely will be absent when my parents do die because I simply cannot take being around them.  The body does keep score, to me anyway. They don't change, my FOO doesn't figure it out, and surely didn't do anything better.   

[wisingup]

My main point is that the last week has been life force draining to me.

I'm sorry Blueberry Pancakes - I totally get how you're feeling.  You're trying to help & do the right thing & end up taking a bunch of the same old abuse.  I'm in a similar situation, forced back into managing elderly uBPDm's care, because there really is no one else, and I feel totally drained after every interaction.  And it's not the helping her that drains me - in theory I want to be there for my struggling parent & in a normal situation would feel good about helping - but our relationship is so strained & she is so unpredictable I have to go in with every defense up, like I'm holding my breath to get through it.

She used the opportunity to blame me for not engaging more and abandoning the family as she put it. She was angry and hateful. She was not interested in coordinating on behalf of our parents, she only wanted to use the opportunity to attack me and likely bring me back in.

And wow, you really don't need this.  Sis does not sound at all safe for you & trying to "coordinate" with her might be a minefield.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, I'm really sorry. I do see this "dress rehearsal" as potentially freeing you from playing out this drama again when it really is time for one or both your parents to make their exits from this world. You've seen what you can expect from all the other players, and can take that as validation and peace with your decision to remain Sir Not Appearing in ThIs Film.

[moglow]

"Speaking terms" is all relative, people. You spoke and she was vile, throwing around anger and accusations and complaints again. Yay.

Breathe, BP, and batten those hatches back down. Hang in there and do what you need for yourself. Maybe go throw axes if there's one of those facilities nearby - I hear it's very therapeutic! 

[nanotech]

There's no way you have to listen to that from anyone.
It's so tempting to venture back, but it's always a lion's den, never the cosy hearth of family we hope to find. Sigh. Been there, got dragged in, several times over the last decade.
Now I'm ready for anything.
If this happens to me in the future ( I'm LC with elderly Ndad and NC with Nsibs)  then I am just going to refuse to communicate with the siblings. From that stance, and that stance only, I'll work out what I can do for dad, and what I can't do.
And I won't feel guilty, fearful or obligated about any of it.

My GCNbro recently tried to engage with me by exaggerating a health issue my dad had. They love trying to push those buttons. It's emotional blackmail, plus selfish, blind panic at the thought of losing a parent who they are enmeshed with, and need to mirror and be mirrored by.

I didn't engage. My dad was fine.

[Leonor]

I find it so ironic that so many of us adult children go through so many "This is the end ..." calls, followed by lots of panic and upset, only to learn a few days or so later that the diagnosis is mild, or the tests are normal, or the ailment is treatable, and then radio silence returns.

But when someone really is sick or injured or in trouble, no one says anything. I bet that if there really is an issue with your parents, GC sister will be so all up in her self that she won't be as eager to engage. Then she can enjoy showing off how dedicated and caring and worthy of any stuff that might fall into her lap.

Blueberry, you're such a kind person. You don't deserve to be played with and set up like that. Next time, you can say, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well, let me know what the doctor has to say." And if the doctor says, Yes, this is a bad DX, you can still stay safe, "That's too bad. How do you want to move forward with this?" You can care about without taking care of.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you very much for your insightful replies. Wisingup, Cordelia, Mglow, Nanotech and Leonor - very grateful for your feedback on this.  There is really nowhere else I share such details, and I always feel safe in this community and you all are like a shining light. Thanks.   

   

[Hepatica]

Blueberry, I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you've been through the mill with this. It's heart wrenching that everything is hard when it comes to our toxic families. Sadly, it's always doubly-triply worse with these kinds of health related issues. You've been through a lot of adrenaline spikes, I'm sure so I hope you take time to walk with a good friend, or a good therapy session. You shouldn't be alone with this. Remember these people we grew up with, are just people, sadly not people that makes us feel safe or cared for, but there are people who do care about you. Try to find time to spend with someone like that and if you can't, do it for yourself. Have a bubble bath, a good mediation, a long walk in the woods, or on a beach. Do something really nice for yourself. You just got slimed and you need to let it go now and tend to yourself. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You've been through a lot of adrenaline spikes,  .....   Have a bubble bath, a good mediation, a long walk in the woods, or on a beach. Do something really nice for yourself. You just got slimed and you need to let it go now and tend to yourself. 

Thank you Hepatica. I agree with everything you wrote. "Feeling slimed" was exactly what I thought throughout this episode. Meditation and a long walk in the woods is on my agenda today.  Thank you.   
       

[Boat Babe]

It's a good metaphor.

Here's to long walks with good people.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Here's to long walks with good people.

Boat Babe, totally agree. "with good people". Cheers to that!