Would love some advice

[Markclo1]

I have been in a scapegoating relationship with my family for a number of years. I dont have any contact with my father and havent done for about 7 years. He has been an emtionally abusive, dysfunctional person for most of his life. About 7 years ago i put some boundaries in place with my father, the rest of my family has never dealt with this well and have most accused me of being the problem. The relationship particularly with my sister has become strained over the years.

I live physically far from my family now. I have a family of own, 3 kids and i think i have had some success in breaking the cycle of my fathers dysfunction. I do still suffer from some anxiety though, it has improved over the years, i have been for counselling and sought out help in the past. I am at a place in my life now where i want to be free of this anxiety, any suggestions on books i could read or counsellors i shoud visit.

My experience is not one i see and hear about too often, so i am grateful for this forum. i would appreciate your advice. Thankyou

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. 

Glad you have found this supportive community of folks who truly do 'get it'.

You have done a great deal of the hard work and applied yourself to breaking generational patterns that hurt and harm. Bravo for offering a whole healthy parent to your children. 

Boundary setting and removing ourselves from the decades long, harmful, toxic behaviors of our family of origin (FOO) can reveal a whole lot and be a very painful journey. In my own experience with this process the peace and quieting of the hypervigilence I was longing for as the result of my healthier choices and boundary setting took much longer to manifest in my mind and heart then I expected.

I found I had to then understand (and I continue to work with this) the well developed patterns of response within me that were so much a part of my functioning that it took conscious awareness to begin to recognize what are for me, trauma responses and anxiety from a perceived threat versus an actual threat.

For me, it is a kind of two phase process of healing. First get safe and then stay safe long enough to begin to determine what sentinel like behaviors are no longer necessary in our lives and current reality of self empowerment. And then to learn to recognize and work with my emotions and my trauma responses.

There are resources throughout the forum board, but a good place to look for online resources and good books that have helped others are found here:

Books: https://www.outofthefog.website/books/

Other Media Resources: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

And the work of two people, in particular, that has been so helpful to me to sort through my emotional responses and the lingering anxiety are:

Karla McLaren on anxiety: https://karlamclaren.com/welcoming-the-gifts-of-anxiety/

Pete Walker on commonly experienced trauma responses: http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

The thing that has been one of the cornerstones of my own sometimes way too slow release of anxiety has been spending time here in conversation with others who support and have insights that shed light on all of that darkness from the past.

I hope you find your time here to be of great help and encouragement. See you out there on the forum boards!

[Boat Babe]

I so appreciate your contributions Bloomie. 😊

[1footouttadefog]

Keep reading here at Out of the FOG.

Read in the tool box.  There are descriptions if the various personality disorders.  There is a list if 100traits.  I found it very useful.  It helped my quantify the abuse I had experienced in my life.  It gave me language/vocabulary for things I intuitively knew were wrong but had no language to discuss or research them.

I was also able to identify some bad habits I had developed when dealing with abusive folks.

Identifying and owning these things as mine to deal with actually reduced my anxiety.  It helped my separate what was mine to fix and what was not mine the fix.

The tools in the tool box help with boundaries and can help validate difficult decisions you have already made.

You are not alone, stay and share and grow and heal. 

[Hepatica]

Hi Markclo1,

Thanks for sharing. Firstly, as Bloomie said about getting safe, I think it's a very good choice you have taken, to be physically distant from your family. Doing so removes many of the 'triggers' that add wounding on top of wounding, things like daily phone calls, or unexpected visits and even that general trigger of being in the location where the pain originated.

Secondly, I believe deeply that working on healing anxiety should include body work. Talk therapy will work to a certain extent, especially if it teaches you self-compassion. For anxiety, though breath work is so important. Learning how to extend your out breath can help anxiety in the moment. Things like yoga and mindfulness and even self-defence classes are really good for managing anxiety. You don't have to be great at them. I attend a a gentle yoga class and I can barely touch my toes. As long as the teacher is supporting you by understanding your limits, the breath work is really the most important part of it, for me anyway.

Mindfulness meditation has also been really powerful in my healing process. Again I use the breath. If I'm feeling intense anxiety I can close my eyes and sit with the anxious feeling compassion toward it, and be with it until it passes, incorporating deep breathing.

The next activity that helps me is walking in nature with a friend. These are all body work techniques and for me they've worked very well in managing my anxiety. I think they especially work well when paired with self-compassion.

There are two other things that have helped me also, that are supplement related. I take magnesium and  Wild Salmon Oil. I feel much better, especially when I am taking Omega 3 oils, such as salmon oil.

There are fantastic resources on Youtube that teach mindfulness meditation and yoga for working with anxiety. I've used videos a lot during the pandemic.

We are all feeling multiple inputs of anxiety right now, from the pandemic to everything else. I really feel you. Treat yourself with extra tender, loving care more than ever. If you can, try to find an activity that allows you to zone it out. I write and during the process I don't worry about world events. If you have any creative outlet, really expand it. Painting, singing, guitar-playing, carving wood statues, anything that gets you into a flow, where you experience just you and what you are creating, is so helpful for anxiety.