Was I fair here?

[p123]

So Im back from London havent visited Dad this week.....

He phones me. He's not had his booster covid jab and he wants to know when. (He has not patience and won't wait like everyone else to be contacted).
Can I call them for him because "hes not good on the phone and he can't hear very well"?

I said NO you will have to do it.

Its the 2nd day of my new job, I'm working from home, I don't have the time to spend 30 mins on hold doing this - he knows its my 2nd day.
Secondly, they won't speak to me anyway as I don't have medical consent from him - I've told him this many times....

Also, we've had the conversation a few times. His hearing aid is the free one from the NHS (Im in the UK). They are not the best and a lot of people pay for their own hearing aids which are 100x better (I've got one). Not cheap but Dad is loaded.... He point blank refuses to do this because hes so tight fisted.

So THIS is why he struggles on the phone - he can't hear. I've pointed this out about 20 times..... I don't see why I should waste my time when the solution is there and you don't want to take it.

So I told him "Nope no can do. Manage or wait". Hes not happy.

Of course, part of this is him getting his narc supply from me - getting me to perform a task

[Sneezy]

I don't see why I should waste my time when the solution is there and you don't want to take it.

Of course, part of this is him getting his narc supply from me - getting me to perform a task

I think you just answered your own question 

Your dad loves to control you.  It's a game that he must win.  My uHMIL once bragged to a family member that any of her children would divorce their spouse if she demanded it.  That's how much control she *thought* she had. 

Ignore this - don't JADE - just tell your dad you have to get to work and you'll catch up with him later. 

[Jolie40]

there's a solution....buy a new hearing aid

he's SO stubborn & there's no need to support his stubbornness
when he can no longer stand not hearing well, then maybe he'll finally get a new one

hopefully

[Hazy111]

Its just beyond sick, and the actual bragging about it!  The sheer arrogance that I guess no one outside the family rarely witnessed.  BPDQueen perchance??

[Hazy111]

Sneezys comments i was referring to*

[p123]

I don't see why I should waste my time when the solution is there and you don't want to take it.

Of course, part of this is him getting his narc supply from me - getting me to perform a task

I think you just answered your own question 

Your dad loves to control you.  It's a game that he must win.  My uHMIL once bragged to a family member that any of her children would divorce their spouse if she demanded it.  That's how much control she *thought* she had. 

Ignore this - don't JADE - just tell your dad you have to get to work and you'll catch up with him later.

Oh yeh sure Dad thinks the same....

[p123]

I don't see why I should waste my time when the solution is there and you don't want to take it.

Of course, part of this is him getting his narc supply from me - getting me to perform a task

I think you just answered your own question 

Your dad loves to control you.  It's a game that he must win.  My uHMIL once bragged to a family member that any of her children would divorce their spouse if she demanded it.  That's how much control she *thought* she had. 

Ignore this - don't JADE - just tell your dad you have to get to work and you'll catch up with him later.

EXACTLY. Help yourself first!!!!

Its a win-win for Dad though.
- Save money by having thousands in the bank and a nice warm feeling.
- Get me to do a task for him another nice warm feeling for him.

As opposed to spending money which always upsets him and having to get off his backside and do something for himself....

[Blueberry Pancakes]

P123, yes, I think you were very fair.

You say "Of course, part of this is him getting his narc supply from me - getting me to perform a task".  I get it.  He is able to do this himself and has the resources. You told him what was needed to solve the issue. Now following up on that is his responsibility, so let him do it or experience the fallout for himself.     
     
You just started a new job which may likely require the majority of your own mental and emotional energy to acclimate, learn your assignments, and develop new relationships. You deserve to make that your priority and reserve your energy for your own life.     

[moglow]

"Fair" is all relative, as you know. He feels his demands must be met and that he's always the priority, you know this too. New job or no you also have needs and priorities and he resents that he's not #1on that list. I guarandamntee  he wasn't that way with his own father, likely had many of the same resentments you're now feeling.

But foremost - you *can't* set that appt for him. He either does it himself or it doesn't happen. Understand that he'll likely blame you regardless of the realities of outcome. That's who he is, what he chooses.

I do hope you'll choose better for yourself. It can't be good for you or your family, going through this over and over. Don't be 59/me finally coming to terms with how fruitless all those repeat "conversations" are, realizing how much time and energy you wasted on things that truly aren't yours to fix or manage - only to see that empty, bottomless pit of "pay attention to me!!" for what it is.

[Sneezy]

I do hope you'll choose better for yourself. It can't be good for you or your family, going through this over and over. Don't be 59/me finally coming to terms with how fruitless all those repeat "conversations" are, realizing how much time and energy you wasted on things that truly aren't yours to fix or manage - only to see that empty, bottomless pit of "pay attention to me!!" for what it is.

Oh wow, this hit home for 59-year old me this morning 

And I just had one of those fruitless, repetitive conversations with mom half an hour ago.  It really is an ongoing learning process, isn't it?  (Short version - mom wants a ride to visit a friend in the hospital.  It would be a short uber ride from her apartment versus an hour each way for me by the time I pick her up and battle the traffic around the hospital.  But still . . . how ever will she get to the hospital???  She just sighs and moans and I just keep mumbling things like "uber," "taxi," "I don't know, gosh, that's a shame," but "uber").

[Worthy of Care]

Your response to your dad was healthy with good boundaries. 

[moglow]

Sneezy - limit number and length of calls. Don't answer or return every call. Set timers. Pretend someone is at the door, sudden need to go. The dog's on fire again. 
Honestly I did better talking to md in the evening - it didn't wreck my whole day that way. She seemed to wind down quicker too, maybe had burned some of it off earlier in the day.

[blues_cruise]

I think your response was very fair. For a start he already knows that he has to wait for his booster, so the phone call is unnecessary. Also, if he's rejecting practical solutions to improve his independence and refuses to get a better hearing aid then this is a situation of his making.

Of course, he knows that full well. He's not happy because his attempt to control you failed. You're right, it's very NPD to create unnecessary scenarios like this in order to gain attention and create work for the scapegoat. You did really well with your response and set a great boundary!

[p123]

"Fair" is all relative, as you know. He feels his demands must be met and that he's always the priority, you know this too. New job or no you also have needs and priorities and he resents that he's not #1on that list. I guarandamntee  he wasn't that way with his own father, likely had many of the same resentments you're now feeling.

But foremost - you *can't* set that appt for him. He either does it himself or it doesn't happen. Understand that he'll likely blame you regardless of the realities of outcome. That's who he is, what he chooses.

I do hope you'll choose better for yourself. It can't be good for you or your family, going through this over and over. Don't be 59/me finally coming to terms with how fruitless all those repeat "conversations" are, realizing how much time and energy you wasted on things that truly aren't yours to fix or manage - only to see that empty, bottomless pit of "pay attention to me!!" for what it is.

thanks mo - i am getting better but he still infuriates me!

[p123]

I do hope you'll choose better for yourself. It can't be good for you or your family, going through this over and over. Don't be 59/me finally coming to terms with how fruitless all those repeat "conversations" are, realizing how much time and energy you wasted on things that truly aren't yours to fix or manage - only to see that empty, bottomless pit of "pay attention to me!!" for what it is.

Oh wow, this hit home for 59-year old me this morning 

And I just had one of those fruitless, repetitive conversations with mom half an hour ago.  It really is an ongoing learning process, isn't it?  (Short version - mom wants a ride to visit a friend in the hospital.  It would be a short uber ride from her apartment versus an hour each way for me by the time I pick her up and battle the traffic around the hospital.  But still . . . how ever will she get to the hospital???  She just sighs and moans and I just keep mumbling things like "uber," "taxi," "I don't know, gosh, that's a shame," but "uber").

yep I get the same. Its an hour round trip for me....

In the past hes wanted me to pick something up from his doctors 200 yards from his house. Really? I drive 50 miles round trip.

Reason - dont want to use mobility scooter!

[p123]

P123, yes, I think you were very fair.

You say "Of course, part of this is him getting his narc supply from me - getting me to perform a task".  I get it.  He is able to do this himself and has the resources. You told him what was needed to solve the issue. Now following up on that is his responsibility, so let him do it or experience the fallout for himself.     
     
You just started a new job which may likely require the majority of your own mental and emotional energy to acclimate, learn your assignments, and develop new relationships. You deserve to make that your priority and reserve your energy for your own life.     

In his head, his needs are URGENT - he always says this. And hes so sorry hes put me out because he knows Im busy etc BUT he still does it!

[p123]

I think your response was very fair. For a start he already knows that he has to wait for his booster, so the phone call is unnecessary. Also, if he's rejecting practical solutions to improve his independence and refuses to get a better hearing aid then this is a situation of his making.

Of course, he knows that full well. He's not happy because his attempt to control you failed. You're right, it's very NPD to create unnecessary scenarios like this in order to gain attention and create work for the scapegoat. You did really well with your response and set a great boundary!

In his head Im sure it works like this:-"Spend money on a hearing aid - oh I dont want to do that when I can keep it in the bank".
"Hang on, P can do it so no need for hearing aid. After all, I brought him so he can do this one little thing for me".

I KNOW all these little tasks are a test. He gets joy out of getting me to do something....

[j.banquo]

I think you just answered your own question 

Agreed.

[p123]

Hes now asked his cousin to phone and they gave him the same answer.....
Hes desperate for SOMEONE to give him the answer he wants.

I've had it now - I've told him don't mention it to me again, I don't want to know.

[Boat Babe]

I do hope you'll choose better for yourself. It can't be good for you or your family, going through this over and over. Don't be 59/me finally coming to terms with how fruitless all those repeat "conversations" are, realizing how much time and energy you wasted on things that truly aren't yours to fix or manage - only to see that empty, bottomless pit of "pay attention to me!!" for what it is.

Oh wow, this hit home for 59-year old me this morning 

And I just had one of those fruitless, repetitive conversations with mom half an hour ago.  It really is an ongoing learning process, isn't it?  (Short version - mom wants a ride to visit a friend in the hospital.  It would be a short uber ride from her apartment versus an hour each way for me by the time I pick her up and battle the traffic around the hospital.  But still . . . how ever will she get to the hospital???  She just sighs and moans and I just keep mumbling things like "uber," "taxi," "I don't know, gosh, that's a shame," but "uber").

No can do mum, the dog's on fire. (courtesy of Woman Interrupted)