PD, Friendships and Modelling

[CapeStorm]

My mom has OCPD. She raised me as a single parent. I cannot ever remember her having friends (emotional bonds with people simply for their company). Most of her "friends" were actually co-workers.

I am now a middle aged man (diagnosed with AvPD + Dysthemia) and I have no friends. It's a very lonely world and I feel that if I stopped existing, no one would miss me.

Is it important that parents model friendship formation to children or is this something I was supposed to learn on my own (perhaps by being more outgoing) as a kid/young adult?

[square]

Hi CapeStorm, and welcome.

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely and disconnectef from others.

I think the most important model we get from our parents is their relationships with us, their children.

We learn to love ourselves the way our parents love us.

If our parents are hypercritical and cold, this is how we relate to ourselves.

If mommy says "oh dear, you spilled your drink on your shirt, let's get that cleaned up - there! All better, right?" then our self talk is practical, warm, encouraging, optimistic, competent.

If mommy does not notice or care about spilt milk and its discomfort... or any discomfort, or any pain, or any needs... or actively criticizes any expression of our needs... we do not learn how to manage them inside ourselves.

And how we relate to ourselves is how we relate to the world. Connecting to another person involves some self knowledge, who we are, what we want and need, how to express them, enjoyment of our unique personalities, and other self knowledge. Plus the trust that others will receive our healthy, boundaried selves appropriately.

If the mirror we are shown ny our parents is empty (because our parents did not see us at all, or saw a minimized or distorted image), then we struggle to perceive ourselves.

[1footouttadefog]

Ideally kids will see many things modeled by healthy parents.

This of course is not always the case.  School serves as a place to form safe freindships.  It is a venue for spending time with alot of people where in over time, many hours people identify with others as freinds.

work and later is a but harder.  There is the time and many are not in peer groups as they are in school.

One must be proactive and find ways to be around other folks in healthy  safe ways.  In these interactions potential freinds will be found and more specific times for interaction can be setup. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I think it's less about them specifically modeling what healthy friendships look like and more about modeling relationships in general.

The relationship with have with one or both parents is the earliest one we have, and it shapes so much of how we see the world and, like square said, how we see ourselves in that world.

To use my own experience as an example. My BPD Queen mother has a lot of friends and is very social and extroverted. Despite that modeling, I am the opposite. I've always been an introverted loner with maybe one or two close friends. I think part of that is just who I am, but I think another part is that social situations make me nervous because I was taught by my mother to be a subservient people-pleaser who never says "no." Not surprisingly, many of my friendships in the past have been a situation where I give and give and the other person takes and takes. (Exactly like my relationship with PDmom.) And so even though I know not every person is like that, the cynical, wounded part of me expects it and fears it... and thus avoids it.

And anecdotally, my husband (whose mom is also BPD) has similar feelings and fears around social situations and friendships.

[olivegirl]

My UBpd Queen mom had a lot of friends but her friendship was based on gossip. 

The women would get together and discuss their kids' lives, their grandkids and then discuss other women that they knew.

Things like culture, travel, design, work, cinema, community events was never ever discussed.

It was always who got divorced, who can't have children, who lost their jobs or house, who is in a rift with whom. 

Exhausting and toxic! 

[Hazy111]

Ahh The school run moms cabal.. I actually dated a uBPDQueen and she said she just couldnt stand the endless gossip . She dreaded it  everyday.   Shed get there at the last minute and leave as fast as possible.

But on reflection i think it was she had no "status" within the group, her peers, she didnt drive etc and felt inferior.

I used to watch a group of them meet up at Starbucks in their expensive cars every morning after dropping off the kids complaining about how dreadful their lives were. 

Thats why the "Motherland" (BBC UK) series was so good, so acutely observed.

When her mother decides to stop taking care of her children, middle-class Julia Johnson is forced to begin to pay attention to her children's schooling and the concept of middle-class motherhood. Julia later becomes friends with other parents, working-class Liz and stay-at-home dad Kevin and finds herself in a world of "Alpha mums" including the superficially polite but acerbic leader, Amanda. The children do not feature prominently in the series, generally having non-speaking roles, and their names are only occasionally mentioned.

[1footouttadefog]

A lot of people on this forum seem to benefit from "inner child" theory/concepts. Some via theory and others through self work or both.  Maybe reading and contemplating such ideas would help you sort some if the issues related to your relationship with your mother and how it impacted your social life.