Decision to File with OCPD husband

[wife_ of_OCPD_ spouse]

Hi, I'm new here. Had my husband of 20 years diagnosed with OCPD through psychological testing and continued with the diagnosing psychiatrist as our couple's therapist for a few months as the diagnosis sunk in with me. Husband was in denial, then addressed his childhood trauma at a weeklong retreat and he moved out, kids staying with me. He showed lessened denial and new remorse for the decade of emotional abuse I endured, and showed sincere empathy for a few days after his retreat/initial separation but this honeymoon phase is over, as he reverts to manipulative tactics and behaviors and can't determine a schedule to reliably see the kids.

I guess I just need to vent! He is smearing me to my face in our periodic conversations as incompetent and unstable and overly-emotional, based on times that he has "popped over" to check to see how things are going with me and the kids, despite not taking primary responsibility for them for more than 48 hours in the past month.  Sure, early on in the separation I had some difficult days dealing with my grief while non-stop caring for our two kids, one of which has special needs. It's been a part-time job creating a soft landing for them in the aftermath of him moving out, as I have both kids seeing therapists and discussing with their pediatrician, teachers, school counselors etc. the difficulties of what is going on--I suppose I don't have to prove to you all here that I'm taking a lot of responsibility to ensure the kids are well balanced and dealing with their stress. But my OCPD husband, who is not taking responsibility for the kids, and is realizing his weakness as a single Dad in being able to relate to them or take charge of any of their daily routines besides ordering take-out for them (!!) is clearly insecure about his position and is delving head on into trying to destabilize my thinking about my capabilities as full time mother. It's a head trip, him whip sawing from completely abusive and in total denial for years, to empathetic and willing to separate for "my healing", to paranoid and degrading toward my single parenting, despite my efforts to reach out to him for childcare assistance.

I've re-read some books on OCDP (Mack Etheridge's book with Tyranny in the title; a social worker's written work on Hidden Psychological Abuse) and have decided to put my guard back up and limit contact to less than 15 minute conversations with my soon to be ex. He is saying things to persuade me toward legal separation vs. divorce and I have very little trust in that influence, I want a clean split. I want detached contact and a custody plan in place. This still feels harsh to me though! I keep getting pulled in to his plea for working together, that I need help, yet his OCPD is clearly rearing back and he is just as toxic to me as ever before. I hate that the boundaries I draw are getting so little respect and resentment from him, when they are clearly what a healthy normal non-OCPD person would draw to carve out time to restore myself to who I was before all this happened with him.

I come from a difficult childhood marred by anxious adults with mental illness, and have detached contact with my sibling and parents. I really am growing stronger, especially in the past several years, working with an excellent psychiatrist for my personal history of depression (in remission) and have been actively re-establishing my social and supportive network among friends and other parents/families my kids and I rely on for support. It is all so much hard work to fully leave him so when he tries to pull me back in with his false offers of support (financial, childcare--he doesn't actually offer these resources, only dangles them, and is clearly trying to regain abusive control over me). That's what this is, right? His compulsion to drag me back in to his influence??

Ring any bells out there? Thanks for reading

[Worthy of Care]

I want to let you know that I read your post.

Parenting children is difficult and challenging in any circumstance. When you add everything that you are dealing with, it is a very heavy load. I'm glad you are getting support from professionals and from friends.

I want a clean split. I want detached contact and a custody plan in place.

Based on what you said, this seems wise to me.

[wife_ of_OCPD_ spouse]

Thanks, I'm glad to find this forum. I just need to know I'm not the only one. I will keep reaching out for supports, this has been so isolating

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have a lot on your plate. Still, I recommend you read around in the Toolbox tab,  what to do and what not to do. I especially recommend the medium chill technique when you are dealing with your PDh. 
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are well on your journey of healing. Once we have seen what we are dealing with, it is impossible to unsee it. Stick to your plan, save yourself and your kids and let your h look after himself.  See you around on the boards!