My epiphany re: PD contempt ...

Free2Bme · November 13, 2021, 01:22:11 PM

Throughout my 20 marriage to covert/malignant/antisocial person, I was on receiving end of his contempt. I could never understand the source of this hatred. I did all of the machinations discussed periodically on this forum to appease and earn approval, it was unattainable. It became just survival, trying to stay out of his crosshairs.

The confusion came when I realized that although I am not a perfect person, I did nothing to warrant this treatment. He said I was deserving of his anger (and he was teaching me a lesson) because of x,y,z, however his opinion/assessment of me didn't align with how I viewed myself or how others would describe me.

Although I have studied PD extensively over the years, and have heard many explanations/theories about projection and such, none have really fit as an explanation to what I experienced. They come close and maybe describe facets, but something was missing. Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast and it clicked.

In the beginning, and for some period of time I was seen as valuable supply. At some point (no fault of my own), I slipped down the scale in his weird PD system of ranking individuals. No longer was valuable to him in his twisted economy, he thought of me as sub-optimal supply and absolutely hated me for it. He used this to rationalize both punishing me and seeking out supply from other women.

I don't think for a minute that I am sub-optimal, I was/am a valuable person with many desirable traits. However, they were not things he valued within his distorted world. Because I didn't deliver on the things he wanted, then I was the target of seething hatred and punishment.

It was helpful to solve this mystery, so damn confusing.

Thanks for reading

SonofThunder · November 14, 2021, 06:30:07 AM

Free2Bme,

Im sorry you have experienced all this turmoil. What you describe, seems to fit into the IDD cycle (Idealize, Devalue, Discard). Do you believe your experiences places you currently into one of these stages of the cycle?

Below is a YTube link (if you desire) to a trusted psychologist who describes the cycle.

SoT

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Oik4IsgQ4uk

Cat of the Canals · November 14, 2021, 11:55:59 AM

Thank you for sharing this. I think you've pretty accurately explained the dynamic between PDmom and enDad, which I don't have as strong an understanding of as the dynamic between PDmom and her children (myself and my brother).

I have a suspicion that she began devaluing enDad as soon as she had kids. We were a shiny new source of resources, and we were easier to manipulate, so enDad immediately became a "sub-optimal" source.

Hazy111 · November 15, 2021, 11:17:23 AM

To the narcissist, everyone is either above him/her or below. There is never parity. All narcissistic marriages, friendships, work are the same. Everyone/thing is a supply of sorts.

Free2Bme · November 21, 2021, 09:37:18 PM

Thank you SoT, and yes I have been parked in the discard. Strangely, this time I am relieved to be discarded.

Thanks for the link, it was a great explanation of the IDD cycle.

SonofThunder · November 22, 2021, 07:24:09 AM

Quote from: Free2Bme on November 21, 2021, 09:37:18 PM
Thank you SoT, and yes I have been parked in the discard. Strangely, this time I am relieved to be discarded.

Thanks for the link, it was a great explanation of the IDD cycle.

Free2Bme,

Glad you found the link helpful.

I too, am in a permanent discard with a neutral mindset of indifference. I am going about my daily living and trying to live out my daydreams, just observing my uPDw as she is faced with a husband who is now unresponsive to the past methods of repeating the cycle. She is now having to face her own inner-self much more than usual, and its beginning to show in her anxiety.

SoT

notrightinthehead · November 22, 2021, 01:19:20 PM

Free2Bme, I too experienced the contempt and ultimately discard once I stopped being a good supply. In a way, I medium chilled and grey rocked my way out.
I truly believe that my NPDh felt miserable when I no longer was somebody he could boast about and had faded out admiration, service, fights. Luckily he found some poor woman who made him feel good about himself again.

1footouttadefog · November 30, 2021, 09:38:46 AM

Narcs often over time reveal themselves to their partners or others close to them.

They then hate that person for knowing the real them which they themselves have contempt for. Also those close to them have in the narcs eyes power over them. Another reason that have contempt for those closest.

Their entire life is a game if okay acting a role or various roles to keep anyone from knowing the real them. Anytime this is threatened they think turn in those who threaten.

Boat Babe · November 30, 2021, 03:49:52 PM

I would add that there's projection in the mix too. That self hatred that PDs suffer from (mostly unconsciously I think) gets redirected straight onto you. Project the self hatred and contempt onto the victim and have a good rage to discharge all the repressed emotions, feed off your distress and voila, toxic abuse. No wonder it takes so long to recover. 🤗

losingmyself · November 30, 2021, 05:35:06 PM

It is so difficult to be in this position, though. I have no one to talk to, to say just normal things to. "It's a beautiful sunrise!" "Uh hu"
My favorite. "I sure didn't sleep much last night"
"Didn't ask"
Wow. Didn't ask.
Sometimes it is just so lonely.
I don't deserve to be hated. None of us do.
So, we're experiencing their feelings for themselves? Must be terrible inside that brain...