Dealing with Projection and Twisting

[Kitbit]

How do you deal with projection and twisting of stories and events that end up feeling like character assassination from an intense/aggressive encounter with an npd person?

[SonofThunder]

Hello Kitbit,

Below is a recent thread link on the projection topic from this past September that may be a helpful read for you.  I voiced my opinions regarding projection on that thread and I believe they are also my reply to your current thread question. 

I am happy to engage you on your thread as well, but will probably restate some similar thoughts.  Im sorry you are experiencing this. 

Also, there is a search icon (magnifying glass) in the upper right corner, and typing in the word 'projection' for example, may lead you to good places to read additional past posts on the subject. 

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89514.msg764736#msg764736

SoT

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hi Kitbit- this is advice from Debbie Mirza's book - the passive aggressive covert narcissist:

Write down a list of the accusations or criticisms the pd is making. For each statement, ask yourself is that genuinely true about you? (For this you can ask a friend or perhaps family member if you like, or just ask yourself truly and honestly). Now for each statement ask yourself is it true ABOUT THE PD. Again, be as honest as you can and try to give examples to back yourself up.

I've done this exercise a few times and find it so, so helpful and reassuring. I tend to find the criticisms are not true about me, but they are 100% true about the pd.

Projection is one of the hardest things to deal with. I hope this helps. Sending love and support
CBS

[FayDHM]

Great responses. I think it is important, as CagedBird said, to learn (and I do mean learn - sometimes it seems like an insurmountable feat) how to NOT take the barbs personally. It seems counterintuitive, I know. But realizing this helped my mental health immensely.

After I was diagnosed with C-PTSD - about which I knew nothing, I slowly began to realize that I wasn’t the only one who got triggered & lashed out. That’s basically how our fights went, he would trigger me- I would get upset, scream & cry, & that triggered him. Once we were both in that self-protective state, there was literally zero chance of a productive conversation, only more pain & isolation. 

Putting things on paper helps separate the emotion from the situation. Besides what CagedBird said, I would also write down what leads up to these moments, and look for patterns.

Knee-jerk reactions are good insights. They’re usually followed by lashing out (fight), running away (flight) or shutting down (freeze). Over time, I began to recognize the patterns that lead up to the blowups & painful words. It made it easier to dodge possibly combustible situations. For me, it was easier every time I managed to avoid the conflict. Each time I felt much stronger - more in control. That power felt good. Really good.

It’s always helpful to understand where their issues come from. And yes, projection is a go-to coping method. Once you start to notice it’s more about them than you, a giant burden is lifted.

Once you stop believing his lies about you, you quit blaming yourself & start to see the absurdity of it all. I love my H (he is heavily infested with fleas, but I don’t think he is full blown PD) and we agree on most things. But the callous way he shuts down or lashes out during a fight is indicative that whatever triggered him is more tied to his childhood trauma than anything I did or didn’t do for him.

Asking yourself if the statements he says about you are true gives a clearer perspective. I came to see that the things he said were not only not true, they were utterly ridiculous. I began to think of it as an alternate reality bubble he was in, where he felt emotionally safe, but his real world view was distorted.

If folks are in that bubble, let them be in that bubble. When he says something to you about yourself that isn’t in any way true, assume he is in the alternate reality where he has created his own logic. He has chosen that reality for a reason, and it’s not because of you. It cemented itself in his psyche well before you ever met.

And then go on about your life.

The harder someone lashes out, the more scared they are. It occurred to me that what was happening in my situation is that when he is triggered, he reverts to   a self-protective mode of coping that has been in place since childhood. That can only be worked through in therapy. He is stuck in that moment & too scared to be vulnerable- because in his mind, being vulnerable is the worst thing in life.

Knee jerk, angry reactions mean you have touched a nerve. People react extremely strongly when confronted with the truth. It’s a dead giveaway. Writing your experiences down and analyzing them in terms of patterns helped me immensely.

Depersonalize the attacks, you’ll feel better. You won’t be an expert at applying what you learn once you’re in the emotional chaos. You may relapse into your old reactions a few times, but as I said, with preparation and practice, you’ll get better at sorting this all outs And you’ll feel less helpless.

[Gettintired76]

Yes everyone is absolutely right and caged I did exactly what suggested and time and it is spot on every accusation is her not me I've realized and accepted it and the depersonalization does help kitbit, the confusion and pain doesn't go completely away in an instant but using all of this suggestions will help you find some peace and mental stability