Bullying at school

[Call Me Cordelia]

Another incident for the trope of: "Cordelia's kids encounter a thing little Cordelia was traumatized by. They are getting the help they need, but adult Cordelia needs to help out little Cordelia too."

My son is in middle school. He has ADHD and one of his symptoms is difficulty picking up on other people's reactions/social cues. He's often in hyper focus mode, or else all over the place, so that stuff tends to just not register with him until it's super obvious. He doesn't have a lot of patience with one particular "class clown" because he cannot focus with other noise around and he is really trying to pay attention in class. This other kid has decided my son is a real snitch/goody-two-shoes and has decided to start an ostracism campaign. My kid wasn't really aware there was a problem other than his own difficulty focusing while this other boy goofed around, until he and his buddy whispered mean things at him all day, made up a rude song about him, and got the other boys in his class to laugh at him while he ate lunch alone.

This sort of thing happened to me as a kid, too. A lot. I also have ADHD but was not diagnosed as a child. As I wrote on the other thread I would complain to my parents and they would tell me that I could simply expect my whole life to be like that. Everyone was going to hate me, so toughen up. Ignore it. If you care they win. Teachers would likewise dismiss me with some version of victim blaming.

Well, my DH wrote one e-mail to the sixth grade homeroom teacher. He immediately responded taking the problem seriously and was firm that any form of bullying was not going to be tolerated. He was not aware of the extent of the problem, and that it had gotten personal, although he was aware that my son had a hard time with the other disruptive behavior and he was already working on correcting that. He conferred with the principal and all the teachers who have my son's class to give them a heads up on this situation. The bully was given an in school suspension.

Of course this is day one and we're not necessarily out of the woods, but my inner child is completely flabbergasted at this rapid, compassionate, and strong response. I'm simultaneously relieved for my son and angry all over again about my own childhood. A problem that could have been swiftly dealt with was allowed to go on for literally years and no one cared. It never occurred to me that those in authority could simply... exercise that authority. I always thought "zero tolerance" was just one of those slogans that didn't really mean anything. Virtue signaling. That we would just pretend bullying doesn't exist here. And I always kind of believed that I was bullied because I was "weird." No. I was bullied because the bullies were allowed to get away with it!

[square]

Hi CMC,

I'm sorry your son is going through this. And also very glad that the initial response seems hopeful - fingers crossed that the followthrough will be effective.

As a hearing impaired child, I did not fit in well with my peers - never really knew what was going on, didn't follow the banter, was the last to know everything. There were some isolated incidents that could be defined as bullying but mostly it was just rejection. From a young age I connected with adults, who liked me a lot, but not my peers.

I'm from Gen X and there was really no effort at all in our time to address bullying. If you're a Millennial, in your time our society had just barely started working on this. (Columbine in the US late 90s being the real trigger). I think our two generations have both pushed hard for change.

It's not perfect but I do see real change. In DD's high school they have definitely intervened on some situations. Students feel empoweed to call out bullying behavior. It still happens (it's sincerely hard for teachers to see it all) but there is a shift.

But for you, I hear your heartbreak for little CMC. Even if society wasn't there yet, your parents should have been in your corner. To say that you would always be disliked, how sick is that? And not true at all. You are a lovely and compassionate person. Your home should have been a safe place.

It's interesting how seeing our children at certain points in their lives show us ourselves at that point, from an adult perspective. Things we took for granted can be so appalling when we see it again years later.